Eight Years Ago

Eight years ago, I was walking out of school. For some reason I was excited about going to the library to get some books for a creative project I was doing. I remember being actually excited about that. Then I saw my friends mom. She smiled at me and I smiled back. She walked up to me. She asked how I was doing. I began to ramble on about the project and then she interrupted me and took my hand, "Jenny, your dad went to the hospital today. He was starflighted..." Her words and the world faded away.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus."

The drive to the hospital was unending. I just kept hearing all the different things people were telling me. "they found him at his desk, almost unconcious....he was starflighted to the heart hospital of Austin...tear in his aorta...it is serious...surgery tomorrow..." I was trying so hard not to cry. It would be fine. It would be. But I knew it wasn't going to be. I knew. I knew that this was the end, or the beginning of the end.

"Look full in his wonderful face."

It was too much to bear. It was too much to comprehend. When we got the hospital, I hugged my mom. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. They told me I could go see him, but I was scared. Scared of what he would look like or say. Finally, my friend Kim and I went to see him. He looked tired and weak, but he smiled at us. I remember us talking about my senior pictures. Something so stupid. I will always regret not saying anything else..something important.

"and the things of earth will grow strangely dim"

The next morning, dad went into surgery. My brothers, sisters, mom and I went into see him. I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I knew I would cry and I didn't want to cry. I didn't want dad to see me cry. We all hugged him and then he said words that will stay with me forever. "I have no fear in my heart." He knew. He knew where he was going and he had no fear. He had lived his life to the fullest that he could.

"in the light of his glory and grace."

We spent the morning of his surgery together as a family, surrounded with friends. It was an odd time because we cried, but we laughed too. We smiled and enjoyed the new babies in the family. We sang praise songs right there in the waiting room. We prayed. We played games. I find it odd that when I think back on this time in my life, I smile. I am thankful for these memories.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus"

For days we waited. It was during this time that I tried to wrap my mind around the concept of dad dying. I knew it wasn't just a possibility, but a likelihood. And for some stupid reason, two stupid questions wouldn't leave me alone. In the midst of trying to imagine a dinner table without his presence, or not seeing him in his chair reading the paper and drinking his coffee, or hearing him say he was proud of me, I kept thinking, "Who is going to kill the bugs that sneak in my room?" I felt so stupid for even thinking something so trivial but it wasn't trivial at that time. That was dad's job. "Who will hug me when I have bad dreams?" Just weeks before my world was shattered, I had had a terrible dream, ran downstairs, and straight into the arms of my dad, who was awake. It was his hug that could take it away. I felt so childish thinking of these two stupid things. But maybe those thoughts kept me from thinking about the more serious.

"Look full in his wonderful face."

He died on September 5th, 1999. We took him off life support and he went home. I remember sitting in the hospitals waiting room and my brother in law sat beside me. Without saying a word, he wrapped his arm around me and I cried. I sobbed on his shoulder for as long as I needed and then the most unexpected thing happened. It felt better. It felt peaceful. It felt okay. Dad was simply in another world, a better world where his weak heart would not prevent him from any of his dreams. It still hurt, but in a different way.

"And the things of earth will grow strangely dim"

The days following his passing are like a blur. Troy was in boot camp and could not be there. He wanted to, but he couldn't. People came in flocks with food. I know it is the thing to do, but why bring food. I don't think I or any of my family ate anything for weeks. It just sat there, taking up space in our fridge, reminding us of what had happened. The house felt different. I went back to school immediately just to escape the house and the visitors. But school was no better. No one knew what to say, but they tried so hard. There is nothing to say. I have tried since to find the words for people who have experienced similar. There are no words.

"in the light of his glory and grace."

His funeral was surreal. I just wanted it to be over. Because then we could move on. I just wanted it to be over. There were so many people there that people had to stand up in the back. My dad just worked at the post office. They closed the post office so the workers could come. They closed the post office for my dad. People who just bought stamps from him came for my dad. The funeral was beautiful. I remember at one point my mom standing up, alone, in front of all those people, raising her hands in praise and crying. It was beautiful. It was a day to praise. One of God's children had returned home. He was home. He was healthy. He is waiting for us to join him.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus."

It was the hardest time in my life. It was a time in my life that I wouldn't change. I think it was the first time I understood what people meant when they said the peace of God. Or how God won't give you more than you can handle. Before my dad went into the hospital, I couldn't even think of it happening. I couldn't even...but after it happened, a peace was there. An understanding. I miss my dad. It, of course, has gotten easier. But there are times, like when I see a dad buying college supplies with her daughter at Target, or when I see a dad and his daughter eating at dairy queen, or when something really big happens in my life, that my eyes burn with tears that I won't let show. But despite the pain of losing him, I am so very thankful for the way it happened and for the "light of his glory and grace" that can turn the darkest of hours into a peace filled reminder of His love.