The First Week

Okay, now that is eleven and I could very easily go to bed guilt free, I am, of course, wide awake. That has happened quite frequently here lately. Dead tired at 5pm. Burst of energy at 10pm.

So, I have survived my first week of school. I currently have 115ish 6th Graders. Almost all of them could fit in your pocket. Lots of cuties- loud, but sweet.
My class sizes are great. I have 32 in my pre ap but the next biggest class is 21. I even have one class of 16. It's amazing. I love my teams. I really like my students. I have about three, so far, whose attitudes are, well, in need of improvement, but still not unbearable.

The baby is handling my work schedule well. He kicks me all day long. All day long. And for some reason by the end of the day, my ribs hurt or maybe it is the muscles behind the ribs. The contractions are quite frequent. Today I started counting at first bell. By lunch I had 15 contractions. Not too bad for three hours and they still don't hurt but they are getting more and more uncomfortable. While I really don't want the little guy to show up too early, I am getting so excited and anxious about his arrival.

I can watch as a limb moves from one side of my belly to the other. He has the hiccups all the time. In three weeks, he could be here. For real.

A baby.

I can't wait to meet him. Yesterday, for some reason I had this little vision of Troy bending over the crib and picking up his tiny body and kissing his forehead when he got home from work. It made me wish I could have him immediately.

Mason kisses my tummy all the time. It's so cute. Today we were watching a movie and Mason was laying beside me. The baby was kicking and squirming and Mason at one point goes, "Man, that boy sure is kicking!" Then he patted my tummy. So cute.

Life is good. I am tired but the baby has stayed put long enough to be healthy. My work situation is going well. I finally have a phone. Troy no longer has a pink phone and believe it or not, finally after three weeks, Sears is refunding my money. I may never catch up on blogs, but I will try.

I know I need to write another chapter. I will. I haven't forgotten.

The energy burst has faded - I am hitting the hay...

List of Words Post

Tired

25+ contractions
Today

Baby
Wiggles

appendages
poke

tired

Ribs
no room

feet
hurt

mind
overwhelmed

tired

Monday
Holiday!

Love
students

tired

miss
clothes

need
cokes

tired

miss
blog

must
sleep

house
shameful

tired

Miss
friend

want
food

all
food

tired

having
baby

for
real

six
weeks

tired

the
end


That is the functioning level of my mind at the moment.

Latest from the Doc

I had an appointment yesterday. My cervix has changed some(I won't tell you exactly what the doctor said because you don't need that visual), and this changed prompted my doctor to say:
"I don't see any reason to change what we're doing. I mean, if we had a baby today, it would be okay. We don't want a baby today, but if it happens, it happens. Come back in two weeks. "

So, I am preparing myself for an early baby but hoping for no sooner than the due date.

I am not worried about the baby at this point but I am a little stressed about school . It will work out though. Right?

If all goes as planned, I am due 6 weeks from tomorrow. That's crazy. I am so ready!!!

except for school...

My Sweet Husband

My husband is not big on flowers. And it's never bothered me. We just have never been that way. I think we are both too darn practical to spend money on flowers.

But today, in third period, I was delivered the most beautiful bouquet of purple flowers in a purple vase(purple is my favorite color) and it had a card that read, "Hope you're having a great first day. Love, Troy."

Now, that is just about the sweetest surprise I have ever been given. I love it!

Thanks, hunny bunny! You're the best!!!
I love you!

This is to my family of so called bloggers

You have to actually update your blogs.
Tell me what you ate for breakfast or what silly thing one of your kids said or what you shouldn't have bought the last time you were at Target or something.
I can't find out what is going on with you if you don't update your blogs.
Blogging does not require posts of importance. Just read mine. Just say someything.

I am assuming mom is off saving victims of some natural disaster, so I will excuse her this ONE time. But the rest of you -

START BLOGGING!!!!

I know you're busy, but I miss you guys!!! And I still don't have a cell phone. Blogs are my link...

A New Day is Dawning...

Tomorrow. School starts tomorrow. I can't believe it. Where did the summer go?

I feel ready which is terrifying because feeling ready just means that tomorrow will be chaos for sure. But I think I am ready. I was looking at my rosters yesterday. Here are some interesting facts about my student body.

2nd period - Pre Ap - 32 students - 8 boys, 24 girls. That should be interesting. :)
1st Period - partially deaf student who I have to wear a microphone for. I am kind of excited about that and she seems awfully sweet. I just hope I can figure the microphone out.
I have a total of 115 students. That is about 2o less than last year. I like that.

I am hoping to be a good teacher this year. What that means is yet to be defined. Teaching is such an odd profession because every year, you change and grow and become better. I think the day a teacher stops trying to better than she was last year is when she should quit. I want to be a better, more compassionate teacher this year. I was reading a book called "Hugs for Teachers" a few nights ago and these were some of the things that jumped out at me.


God of all wisdom,
Help me to look beyond ragged jeans, gap toothed smiles, and cowlicks to see the grand potential you place within every child.
Show me how to nurture and encourage each budding seed to grow beyond my
imagination and to blossom beyond their dreams.


Lord,
Let me be a conduit of love and confidence to children who have known nothing but defeat. Use me to help each child uncover the gifts you have placed within.


Jesus was a teacher. He has walked here before me, leaving his footprints as a guide.
He has graced with his glory
the profession
I have chosen.

Almost everything in the book spoke to me, but that last one about God "gracing with glory the profession I have chosen." almost brought tears to my eyes. The guilt of working this year is going to get to me. I know it. But at least I can know that God has graced this decision. I can be his servant in my classroom with his help.

I made a sign with all these quotes and more that I am going to print, laminate, and tape to my desk so that when I hang my head in frustrtation or when I lay my head in my hands and tears roll down my cheeks because I am so overwhelmed with it all, I can read these things and remember. Remember He is on my side. I am making a difference. That it is about the kids. That they won't remember what I teach, but they will remember how I made them feel.

I will still cry. I will fail many of my students and I am not talking about grades. I will fail them when I yell at them or give up on them or hurt them. I am human. But, dear Jesus, please help me to be all the things you need me to be for these students. Remind me that what I say and do goes with them, into lives I will not know, into places I will never see.

Help me to be a representation of your love and grace, and not just their teacher.

grrrrrrrrr

This is worth me taking 15 minutes from my workday to vent because it is just making me so angry.

Okay, so you know the glider situation. Ordered green, got pink.

So I returned the pink. Then placed a completely separate transaction for the green. Well, the dumb people charged me for the second before the refund for the first had cleared. Plus, they charged me 65 bucks in shipping, and did not give me the 10 % discount. So at one point last week (mind you I got paid TODAY and for like two weeks we have had no money), I checked my bank online and it said that I had -138. 63 in our account because I had over 400 dollars in charges to sears for a rocker I still didn't have. Thankfully, this was quickly remedied by an online transfer, but I was furious.

Monday I called Sears and there were refunds pending for everything. That was a relief. But get this! I called again today, because only the shipping has been refunded, and the lady told me it will be another 7-10 business days before I get the the other 150+ refund. Seriously!!!!

It is times like this that I wish I could be rude and mean and scream at a manager until I like got free appliances for life from Sears. But no! I am all, "That's okay...I see...I guess that is fine...it's not your fault..." in this super sweet voice. I hate that.

No one told me it would take THREE WEEKS to get a refund. No one told me that I was going to be charged the 65 bucks in shipping and that it would take a WEEK to get it refunded.

I know this is, really, in the grand scheme of things, so silly and petty, but it is just making me soooooo very frustrtated.

It's a darn good thing I love that glider so much. It's perfect, but the process, man!


Oh, and by the way. Troy still has a pink phone. Sprint is killing me. Don't even get me started.

Aahhhh, I feel so much better. It was worth the 15 minutes.

So fun!

My shower was so fun and perfect and sweet and cute and fun and made me feel so loved! Thank you, Crystal, Michelle, Amy and Kylah for throwing such a fantastic day for me. And thank you all for coming - it made me feel so loved and it was so good to see you all again before this crazy week started. I loved all the sweet presents and came home and just stared at them all, trying to imagine the tiny boy that will soon be using them. Thank you everyone!

Two things

Brainless is not an understatement.

Today in my WRITING department meeting of which I am the LEAD TEACHER of just two WRITING teachers, after an HOUR of discussing WRITING things, I suddenly, out of nowhere, began speaking to one of the teachers as though she were the science teacher. "Now in science I don't know how much you will use the thinking maps..." I went on for about three sentences before she goes, "Um, I'm writing."

Seriously, it was so embarassing. Everyone laughed and blamed it on the pregnancy but I feel so stupid. I am sure they feel really confident in their competent leader. This is not a first. My brain must be sinking to my swelling feet.


I got my glider today!!! It even has the green cushions! I love it! It's super comfy and makes the nursery look so complete! I just sat there, rocking away, imagining the little guy nursing and cooing and so tiny in my arms. Seven more weeks. Forever.

Thank you, family, for your wonderful gift!!! I love it!!!

A correction

Just to clarify and so I don't feel like I was lying, I am thankfully not THE team leader. I am the co team leader. The other co team leader is fantastic! Full of great ideas, easy to get along with, super motivated, passionate...you know. All those things a teacher should be and more. I just hope I can keep up. Our principal made us co team leaders because of my situation -wise man.

Anyway, I didn't want to sound like I was whining about my tiny responsibilities at school when others have like a billion more things on their plate than I do.(Ahem...sara...) I am very excited about this school year, but I just don't want to disappoint or whatever. It's just crazy this time of year and it's hard to get readjusted to it all.

So sorry if I was whiney. I miss my blog therapy...maybe I will just have to wake up at 5am to get it in...

I'm Drowning!!!!

Oh my gosh! I will never be ready. I will never catch up. School is overwhelming. I need like three more weeks of prep time.

I am the writing lead teacher.

I am the team leader.

I am pregnant and slow and brainless.

But I am excited. I met about 70 of my students yesterday - so tiny. Sweet. It'll be okay. I just need to find my desk...and my brain...

It's already starting!!!!

I have been at work for 1 and a half days. Already, I am behind in blogging! I don't even have students yet! What am I going to do? I haven't been making comments on all your blogs. I have read them. I have barely managed to post on my own, but I have much to say. Maybe it will all slow down soon.

Yeah Right.

That's how teachers always describe the beginning of the school year - slow.

So here is a few quick things I wanted to share:

My doctor told me to "do what I needed to do" in regards to school and there is no change in the baby's position or me. Great news!

My classroom is ready although I have no clue what I am going to do the first few days. But I still have a week.

Mason calls our front porch the "french port" which I think is adorable.

I love working with Crys.

Kylah is officially gone after this weekend. There aren't words...

The name "Grant" has suddenly become a top contender for our child's name. Nicholas Grant...Tyler Grant...Grant Tyler...Grant Austin...

I STILL do not have a cell phone and currently hate sprint and how freakin' complicated everything is.

I am considering posting a poll on my blog for you guys to vote on how much you think I should charge for my "photography" skills. Remember votes are anonymous...

And my husband works ALLLL the time. I hope it slows down. I miss my hunny bunny. That's one of the nicknames i never got to post because life has gotten crazy!

Whew. That feels good.

Big Time Bummer

My sweet mom and sisters have decided to get me a glider for the shower. They all went in together and I found the perfect one at Sears. It could be delivered to the store for in store pick up. Well, I ordered it Sunday evening and was thrilled when I got a phone call yesterday saying it was ready to be picked up.

I drove over there almost immediately and a guy loaded it into my car. I went home and waited for Troy to come home so we could put it together.

***Side note: while I was waiting the doorbell rang. It was two of my students from last year who rode their bikes over. We just chatted and they met Troy and Mason. It was very sweet.

So, like I said, the boys got home and Troy lugged the box inside. I tore into it and what do I see? PINK cushions. Not green. Pink. I was so very sad. The box said pink, but I was supposed to have green cushions. Troy loads the thing back into the jeep and off to Sears I go.

I had printed the order slip and I did order the green cushions so it was Sears' fault. I was a little annoyed because I really wanted it to be here for the girls coming into town and because it is such a pain to not get what you want. Anyway, I waited for help forever and finally a guy came out. I told him what happened. He disappeared behind double doors and returns with a little slip and says, "Go to menswear and they'll give you the refund." Um, hello? I don't just want my money back - I want some green cushions!!! So, he asks some lady in an office and I am told to go to the register and they will help me out.

To make a long story short, after talking to three different people, who all made the same "Eek, sorry, but can't do a thing for you" face, finally somebody called somebody and I had to return the chair, order another and they would ship it to my house for free and with a 10% discount. That's great, but I won't get it until next week. Bummer. Stupid Sears - messing up everything.


You know what's weird? Troy ordered a cell phone last week and it was supposed to be black. When we got it, it was pink.

Maybe God is trying to tell us something. :) Just Kidding.

One more thing, Pop-Pop

Happy Birthday!!!!

As many, if not all, of you know, my dad died when I was in High School My grandparents both passed a way within about two years of dad's death and my mom's parents were already in heaven. So, when I was pregnant with Mason, it hit me that I was giving birth to a son that would have no grandfather. While I knew that his two grandmothers would no doubt love him to bits, a grandfather is so very important, especially to a little boy.

That's where Pop-Pop comes in. Don, my stepfather, although I really hate calling him that, was dating my mom at the time. They were married when Mason was about 6 months old. Ever since he was born, Don has been Mason's Granddad. He has loved on him like he was his own flesh and blood. Mason, at about a year and a half, named him pop pop which I love. Pop pop has mastered the art of grandfatherhood.

He can fix anything! Really, literally, anything. (Which is quite beneficial to parents as well)
He still loves to play cars.
He is quite the critter catcher.
He likes to go swimming in the tank with Mason.
He always shares his goodies(I once left Mason with Gema and Pop Pop for a weekend only to come back and discover that the three of them had eaten an entire bag of marshmallows)
He takes us on rides in the back of his pickup at the ranch.
He always has a quarter in his pocket for gumballs.
He takes Mason to look at the animals, or hunt for eggs, or jump on the trampoline or whatever Mason asks when we visit.
He is a good example of what a Godly man is.
He likes to play candy land and chutes and ladders.
He likes to watch cartoons with Mason.
He loves Mason completely.

So, pop - pop, happy birthday and thank you for being such a fantastic grandfather to my boy, soon to be boys. We all love you dearly and are so glad that you are a part of our lives!

PS - I hope you like the card Mason made you. He did it all on his own. :)

Finally...

Now that I have checked what I believe to be all of the blogs on my daily, or hourly, agenda, I will update my own. I am totally loving how this blog thing has taken off. I feel like i have so many friends now and like keeping up with them all is an actual possibility. I love you guys!

So, as I am sitting here, the baby is kicking the living daylights out of me. My stomach looks like a ping pong ball is ricocheting off my innards. That just made pregnancy sound so lovely, huh? As I watch the little wiggle worm dance in my belly, I am reminded that we have no name as of yet. So I thought I would type up the ones we have decided we like so I won't forget them. I know that sounds crazy, but really, forgetting my own name here lately is a very real possibility.
Here are some top contenders.

Nicholas (nick)
James(middle name)
Tyler
Brady
Bryce
Austin

And just like that I have forgotten the others. Geez. Maybe he'll just be named "Boy #2".
My favorite is Nicholas James or Brady Something. I am just scared that having two boys named Mason and Brady will result in many odd looks and questions because those are both small towns near here. Bryce is good too. It's different. Austin Bryce sounds good, right? Hmmm...who knows what we'll decide.


***
So tomorrow (or today since it is again after midnight and I am still blogging), is my doctor's appt where we will "talk about school." I am praying. I have been feeling really good lately, so I have high hopes.

***
I am beyond excited about this weekend!!! Not only am I having my shower which will provide me with girl time and many tasty treats like the meltaways KJ promised(which may be the reason I got pregnant in the first place...), but practically the entire girl half my family is coming to the shower which I totally didn't expect. I knew they would all want to be here but I just assumed it would be a hard time to travel with school starting and all, but nope, almost every one of my sisters is headed to San Angelo and they will be staying here, at my humble abode! I am excited about this for many reasons - 1. I luv my family, especially the girls. 2. I have a good excuse for not having a perfectly pristine home due to the DOCTOR'S orders and 3. I think it will be a great time to take some fun pictures of all us girls! So, I can't wait till you all arrive and my house is filled with laughter and games and movies and I just wish you weren't leaving so quickly!!!

***

My classroom is beginning to look like one, finally. I arrived last Friday with high hopes of hanging posters and arranging desks only to walk in and find about 20 boxes of textbooks that had to be sorted through. Needless to say, the posters were not hung. But by noon today, the boxes had been sorted, delivered, trashed or sent to the appropriate person and I had some time to make my second home, a home. It's coming along. I am hoping that my walls this year will be an ongoing project for my students of their own genius creations. They think it is the most amazing thing when they write something and I go crazy over it, hand them a sentence strip to write it on and then stick their creation on the wall for the world to see. I think the best advice I have ever heard about teaching was to "be dazzleable." Meaning to go crazy over the specific things they do or write or create. It's hard but so unbelievably worth it. So this year I have left the walls pretty bare so their creative minds can fill them up.

***

And my blogging spasm has officially come to an end. Good Night!
:)

So....

I am going crazy with this slideshow thing. Here are a few of the wedding pics I took from my first wedding. Scary. It's kind of a long slide show but I couldn't decide between pics.

The Wedding

slide show

I tried making a slide show but when I look at it, it freezes on the second or third frame. Does this happen when you guys see it? I am trying to fix it but my computer is suddenly moving at a snail's pace.

Check out my Slide Show!

next chapter

I didn't know where to go next, or, I guess how. I don't really like this one, but it is 12:40 am and I must go to sleep. Sorry if it disappoints my "fans."

***an answer

The Monday following Penny's slumber party was quite possibly the longest of Jenny's life as she waited almost breathlessly for the phone to ring. Part of her was dying to talk to Troy, part of her, a bigger part, was beyond nervous to talk to Troy. What would they talk about? What do boyfriends and girlfriends talk about? It was terrifyingly thrilling for Jenny. There was one small problem, of course. When Troy called, there was a good chance that someone other than Jenny would answer the phone. Jenny had never received a phone call from a boy before and so she knew this momentous occasion would have to be explained. Jenny decided to be proactive about it.
"Um, mom?" Jenny had timed this conversation so that her mom would be in the most receptive mood possible to hear the big news.
"Yeah, Jen." Her mom answered as she straightened the table for dinner.
"Well, um, yesterday...at Penny's...well, there is this guy, er, boy, um, Troy. He's in the youth group and goes to church..." Jenny did not know how to just spit out that a boy her mom and dad didn't even really know was suddenly her boyfriend. This was made increasingly complicated by the fact that Jenny didn't even know if she was actually allowed to have a boyfriend.
Jenny's mom was watching her with a little smile on her face.
"Well," Jenny continued. "Um, we kind of got to know each other in Corpus and at youth group and stuff...and yesterday, at Penny's party, he called and asked me to go with him."
She took a breath and then held it, terrified at what her mom's response may be.
"Oh?" She paused. "What does that mean, really, "going with him'? " Her mom asked much more calmly than Jenny had expected.
"Well," Jenny began and then suddenly realized she had no idea how to answer her question. She knew actually going on dates with Troy would be out of the question. And since they would only see each other at youth group and church, nothing about spending time with him would really change. She had no clue how to explain this to her mom.
"Um, I guess it means that he is my boyfriend." Jenny finally said.
"Boyfriend? That sounds pretty serious for a 13 year old."Her mom replied.
"Yeah, but it won't be like that." Jenny rushed, panicking that her mom might not allow her dream world to exist. "I mean we only see each other at youth group and church and it's not like we can drive to go on dates or anything. I mean, really, I guess it just means we will talk on the phone a lot, er, some."
"We'll have to meet him." Her mom said.
"Well, ya." Jenny said finally breathing.
"And, I'll have to talk to your dad about it."
"Okay." Jenny said relieved that she wasn't the one who had to tell her dad about this. That would almost have been enough for Jenny to call the whole thing off.
"It's not that big a deal, mom, really." Jenny lied. "It just means we like each other and that's all. "
"Okay, I guess this is fine. But, if at any point, it's not..." her mom's face turned deadly serious.
"I know. Believe me. Thanks, mom!" Jenny smiled, relieved that the conversation had ended so well.

Finally, in the late afternoon, the phone rang and Jenny answered, her stomach fluttering and hands shaking.
"Hello?"
"Um, hi, is Jenny there?" Troy said nervously.
"This is me, or she, I mean Jenny." Jenny fumbled hating herself.
"Oh, hey, it's Troy." Jenny heard him take a deep breath.
"Hi! I have been waiting on you to call. I thought maybe you got the wrong number somehow or something."
"No, I just didn't want to...no, I've just been busy, sort of." He tried to explain.
A pause followed and then, without even really trying, the conversation just fell from their mouths for hours. It was shy at first, just details of their day and what they were doing and then slowly the conversation turned to them, as a couple.

Secrets of their crushes were shared. Both disclosed when they had started liking the other and that the Corpus trip was when they both "knew." Troy explained that he had wanted to ask her out on the beach that last night but was too nervous. Jenny divulged that she was scared he was just being nice and didn't really like like her. It was a glorious 3 hour conversation.

It was these conversations that made up the relationship between Jenny and Troy. Jenny had unknowingly defined to perfection what the relationship would be when she told her mom that they would just talk on the phone a lot. Hours were spent on the phone every day and they shared every possible detail of their young lives - their thoughts, their wishes, their flaws, their dreams. They were impossibly innocent, spending hours sometimes just trying to ask something as simple as, "What do you like about me?" It was the answer to that question that would stay with Jenny forever. She could always recall where she was sitting in her bedroom and how his voice sounded when he answered her simple question.

"Okay, so finally, I have figured out your question." Troy replied, almost audibly grinning on the other end of the phone.
"Yep." Jenny replied, feeling stupid and vain having asked such a bold question.
"Well," Troy hesitated only for a moment which made Jenny think that he wasn't trying to think of an answer as much as how to say it. "I like your laugh. I like your curly hair and the way we can talk forever and, well, you are - the girls at school are so fake, so covered in hairspray and makeup and everything, and you, you are so naturally beautiful and real."
To a 13 year old girl who had always felt awkward and never as good as the girl next to her, this answer was perfection. It was an answer that she would replay in her mind for years to come when other guys would beat her down. It was the answer she would cling to when she felt stupid or ugly or not good enough. It was the answer she would replay in her mind again and again when her heart was broken by life. It never bothered Jenny that his answer was about her looks because she knew it wasn't. She could tell, even in her young mind, that his answer was about all of her, inside and out. And the way he said it was so definite, so certain, so kind. He wasn't a boy trying to flatter a girl. He was simply telling a girl why she was the one.

It was dozens of moments similar to that conversation that eventually led Jenny and Troy to say "I love you." It was, Jenny knew, ridiculous to be saying something like this at her age but she felt it, or truly thought she did. And she knew he did too. They knew each other better than anyone did at that point in their lives. They were best friends. They talked far more than they ever saw each other and it was because of this that they fell so truly in love with each other. It was an innocent time for them and without the ability to see each other often, there were no physical complications. Holding hands was the most intimate physical contact they shared. Jenny poured into her diary a moment by moment replay of the first night they held hands. Pinkies touched, fingers curled around each other, and, finally, hands were laced together. It "felt like my hand were made to be held by his" she wrote. They were, unashamedly and blindly, in love, or at least what they thought was love.

They did go on several "dates." He took her to homecoming where she met his friends for the first time. She loved how proud he was to be sitting by her amidst all his public school friends. They went to several movies, the first being "Nine Months" as her parents sat behind them. It would be the most horribly awkward date of her life as they sat as far apart from each other as they could and shrunk in their seats during this movie about pregnancy. In every one's defense, Jenny and Troy's hometown had only one theater that showed the same movie for up to two weeks at a time. There weren't a lot of choices. They attended youth group and every event related to it faithfully. If they were in the same room, they were together, inseparable. They were Jenny and Troy.

But then, something began to change. Slowly, something, some part of them began to change. Neither expected it or even wanted it, but change came, nonetheless.

A death

Today, I have accepted the reality of a death in our home. It is not just a phase or sickness. It is a death. The end of one thing with no beginning of another in sight.

I have managed to kill (so maybe it's a murder) the most unkillable vine in the world. For two years now this vine has thrived, crawling up our house and down a perfect little wooden fence the previous owners put up. I have never watered, trimmed or done anything to this vine and it has flourished under this lack of attention. Even coming back, without any aid, in the spring, it was a home to many birds and lizards. It was the setting for many family pictures. It was a beautiful vine.

It is now dead.
Brown.
Shriveled.
Lifeless.

I don't know what happened. The only thing I can think of is that some of the weed killer Troy sprayed on nearby weeds somehow reached this poor innocent vine.

I pray it may return in the spring to flourish once again along our little wooden fence, but for now, I look out my kitchen window and mourn.

fantabulous

You know what's great?

Those Betty Crocker cake mix things that you just add water to and then microwave.

I thought surely they would be gross but when they were on sale i bought one just to see.

They are not gross. They are absolutely divine. Positively, magnificently, not of this earth divine.

Stir in water, microwave, and out pops perfection in a throwaway bowl.

I have found heaven.

Go and find yours. Aisle 9 at HEB.




Well, I don't really know the aisle. I just thought that was funny.

Anticipation

I suddenly absolutely cannot wait for this baby to get here. Every night as he wiggles like crazy I imagine what he will look like. Will he look just like Mason did? Or completely different? I picture myself holding him and nursing him and dressing him and I am filled with impatience.

9 more weeks. We're in the single digits(well, officially on Thursday but still) and I feel like it is an eternity. I am almost thankful that school is returning so that I will be busier and the time will go by more quickly.

For whatever reason, throughout this entire pregnancy I have not really focused on the baby. I found out I was pregnant right before the TAKS test, then life started getting crazy with Troy's work, then we started thinking we were moving, and then it was summer and I still didn't know what we were having and maybe because of all these things, I did not dwell on the full realization of what was growing inside of me. Also, this pregnancy has brought so many physical challenges. I have been sick more in the last 7 months than in the last 7 years. I could focus on the pregnancy but never really, really, thought about the baby.

I think part of this was fear. Fear of losing him, fear of all the changes coming, fear of coming up short as a mother of two. But now, with only nine weeks to go, I can't think of anything else. I dream of him. I go in the nursery a thousand times a day and open the drawers of his perfect dresser and finger through all the tiny blue clothes. I watch as he makes my stomach bulge and wiggle and jump and wonder what his personality will be. I giggle at all the things Mason says about the baby and can't wait to see him love on his little brother. Nine weeks suddenly feels like an eternity.

But even as I wish I could hold this baby in my arms today, I fear that I will be holding him too soon. If he comes before his due date, work and my time off will be different. I won't get 12 weeks because the holidays won't fall the right way. I am trying to trust God's perfect planning but doubt how it will all work out.

Every day I feel like I have more and more contractions. They still don't hurt. But they worry me. Now, suddenly, all these what ifs have formed in my head. What if I am put on bed rest and lose all my sick days before he even gets here? What if suddenly my water breaks at six weeks and I am not only giving birth as the school year begins, but am giving birth to a preemie? What if he is a preemie and needs extra care and I have to stay home with him for longer and we can't afford it? What if...

I put my trust in the Lord. I must.

So, until I hold this baby in my arms, whether it be 3 weeks from now or 10, I will relish his movements, dream of his perfections, and trust that everything will be just as God intends it to be.

When we get back

Jenny was right. She and Troy were never alone again on the beach, or anywhere for that matter. Before she knew it, condos were cleared out, bags were loaded, and the youth group caravan was returning to home. Since their moment on the beach, Jenny and Troy had hardly even been together. She was, needless to say, beyond disappointed when the cars pulled into the church parking lot as the trip came to a definite end.

They returned on a Friday. Jenny spent that day and the next filling the pages of her diary with all the details of the fantastic trip as she listened to her Celine Dion CD on repeat. For years, every song on that album could return her instantly to the shores of Padre. She relived every moment. Doing what most teenage girls do with any encounter with the opposite sex, she analyzed and disected every moment, looking for proof of his adoration of her. She found many. As she was pouring out her heart and soul, she wished the phone would ring and it would be him. They had never spoken on the phone, so she knew this was highly unlikely but still, every time the phone would ring, her heart would stop for a moment hoping it was him. It never was.

Sunday, at long last, arrived. Jenny spent extra time getting ready, trying to look her absolute best for Troy. She also packed her bags for a slumber party that Penny was throwing in honor of her 14th birthday. She was thrilled about the slumber party because she had so much to share with her friends and she was pretty certain they were going to a special youth group gathering at Joe's that evening. Troy would be there. Maybe they would finish the conversation they had started on the beach.

Church was a bitter disappointment because Troy was not there. Jenny feared that he would not be at youth group either which would be all the more devastating because that would mean that she would not see him again for a week, at least. That would be terrible. Jenny felt certain that whatever was happening between them, as small as it was, would fade away into casual flirting unless something real were to happen between them very soon. He just had to be there. He just had to.

Finally, church ended, lunch followed and the slumber party began. It was at Penny's house of course and she had the best house for slumber parties. Her parents, while her dad was the pastor of their church, were super cool and laid back. Her older brother Jonathan was cool too and teased the girls just enough to be funny not obnoxious. And her house, like all her friends houses, felt like a second home. All her friends, as long as she had known them, had lived in the same house so each one really did feel like a home to her.

The slumber party was moving at a turtles pace all afternoon. It was painful. The girls were having a blast but all Jenny could think about was seeing Troy. It felt as though 6 pm would never arrive. Finally, finally, after what seemed like an eternity of girl talk and playing sardines, all five girls loaded into van and Jonathan was driving them to Joe's.

Jenny was beyond nervous in the car. Her hands were even shaking which made her feel absolutely ridiculous. She couldn't eat a thing at Penny's because her stomach was so tied in knots. As they approached Joe's house, Jenny felt just short of faint. She had built this moment up so much in her mind that there was no calming her down. She knew this was stupid, but could do nothing to help herself. All the girls bounded into the house and Jenny quickly scanned the room. No Troy. Nowhere. He was not there. The disappointment was consuming, but was somewhat shortlived. She and the others quickly formed a game of spoons and, before she knew it, all thoughts of Troy vanished as she focused wholeheartedly on trying to get a spoon before the others. She was deep in the game when, suddenly, the door opened and in came Troy and his friend Matt. At that exact moment, someone grabbed a spoon. Jenny was so caught off guard by Troy's sudden appearance, that she not only didn't get a spoon but didnt' even try. This resulted in merciless teasing, loud teasing, that made Jenny and Troy blush because they both knew what everyone was thinking. It was, to Jenny, horrifying. But Troy was there.

The rest of the evening was rather uneventful. The most sustained interaction between Jenny and Troy was the tossing of a spoon back and forth at each other. And, they sat beside each other on the couch for about two seconds. But that was it.

Much to Jenny's disappointment, the slumber party crowd left long before the party was over. When they arrived back at Penny's, they put on their PJ's, popped in a movie and stuffed their faces with Starburst and popcorn. Then the phone rang.

Jenny knew the moment the phone rang who it was. She didn't know how she knew, but she did. Her heart stopped as her stomach dropped to her feet. It was like all the girls knew because all began giggling and raced to Jonathan's door to listen.
"You want to talk to Jenny? Okay....." Jonathan's conversation became mumbled as all the girls let out a collective scream and Jenny became shaky.
Jonathan opened the door a few moments later and laughed at all the girls huddled outside his door.
"Um, Jenny, it's for you." He said with a grin.
Jenny was almost unable to take the phone. She was shaking and her friends were all giggling and screaming around her. She took the phone and went into Jonathan's room. By some miracle, all her friends stayed outside and she sat down on a weight bench. She took as deep a breath as she could, lifted the phone to her ear, and said, "Hello."
"Hi, Jenny, it's Cristy! Are you okay? Are you ready for this?" Cristy asked with a million voices rambling in the background.
Surprised at hearing Cristy's voice and not Troy's, Jenny didn't really know what to say.
"Um, yeah, I think..." she managed to stutter.
"Okay, here's Troy!" Cristy said.
Jenny heard whispers and the shuffling of the phone being passed. Her heart pounded in her ears as she waited for his voice.
"Hi. Jenny?" Troy started.
"Yes?" Jenny managed to squeak out.
"Um, hi, well, I was calling, well they wanted me to call because, well, I mean I wanted to call you but...anyway, I had a great time with you in Corpus..."
When he paused, Jenny didn't know if she should interrupt him or let him finish. Finally, she said, "Me too. I mean, I had a great time with you."
"Good," Troy sounded a bit relieved, "well, I just really had a good time and I...I... really like you. I like you and hanging out with you and I just really had a good time in Corpus..."
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" Jenny felt like she was watching herself in a movie.
"And I was wondering...I really like you and I was wondering if you would go with me?"
"Yes! Yes, of course. I would love to. Really." Jenny rushed, barely breathing.
She heard Troy take a deep breath and could tell he was smiling.
"Great. Okay, well...thanks. I guess I will call you...tomorrow?"
"Okay, yeah, that's great." Jenny had no clue what to say next.
"Um, well, Jeremy wants to talk to Jamie."
"Oh, okay. Well, bye." Jenny said unsure of how to end such a monumental conversation.
"Yeah, talk to ya tomorrow. Bye." Troy replied.
Then, Jenny, more floating than walking, opened the door of Jonathan's room and handed the phone to Jamie. She was flooded with questions and giggles as Jamie ran into Jonathan's room.

Jenny could not tell you anything that happened for the rest of the slumber party. There was a movie and some food and she managed to tell all her friends the details of her life changing conversation, but the only detail she could recall from July 30th, 1995 was the fact that Troy, a boy, the boy she adored, had asked her to be his girlfriend. It was the best thing that could have ever happened in her 13 year old world.

What Jenny didn't know is the impact that five minute conversation would have on the rest of her life. No one could have known. That young, fumbling conversation sparked a relationship that would forever change their world, their future, them. The relationship would change and grow and fade but it would define them both, shaping them into the people they would one day become, both alone and together. Troy's simple question and Jenny's simple answer was the beginning of their story.

Question

Have I been pregnant forever?

Yes, I thought so too.

One more thing...

I think Mason is going to make a fantastic big brother.

Yesterday, when we were putting all the baby things away, Mason said at random points these things.

"Oh! Look at these cute tiny socks!" (in a very high pitched cutesy voice.)
"And when the baby comes I can help with bath time."
"And babies have to cry when they want something because they can't talk. And that's okay."
"Oh, look at how cute and small this hat is!" Again in a very high pitched cutesy voice.)
"Yep, babies have to burp after they eat and that will be what daddy and I do with the baby."

Among, these things that he said, I have noticed some skills he has picked up recently that will definitely make my life easier.
He can open his own pop tarts.
He can pour his own drink.
He knows how to switch the laundry and loves to.
He puts away the silverware.
He can fold wash cloths.
He understands that when the baby is born he won't be able to sleep with us anymore...we'll see how that one goes. Yeah, right.
He brushes his own teeth. (Yes, toothpaste is everywhere but still)
He can clip his own fingernails.

Now, some of these things are still in need of a little work but still his desire to be independent and to be my helper is astounding. He will very likely make things much easier.

I have one, well several, but I will only divulge one concern here. He still demands that we read two books every night before bedtime. He would be traumatized if this routine was altered. Let's just hope this baby likes books from day one.

Now, having said all of this, I completely realize that I am in for it. Because Mason is able and has been able to do all of these things for a while, I have completely forgotten what it is like to have an infant. I am in for a shock. The other day, while registering for a quite fashionable diaper bag, remembered what the diaper bag meant. It's not just that you have to take it with you everywhere, its that you use everything in it - burp cloths, diapers, wipes, medicine, diaper rash ointment, and possibly bottles this time around, blankets, extra changes of clothes...

Yeah, I'm in for it. But I absolutely cannot wait!

So many unimportant things to say...

First and foremost, you are all giving me far too much credit for this story I am telling. I do not actually remember every single detail that I have dished out. I remember some but not all. My diary, that I kept faithfully from age 13-17, has helped. And just like any writer, I have "novelized" the story somewhat. It all happened. But like I actually remember that I was five seats down on the row in the theater or which state the license plates were from. I am loving retelling this story. I have always known that I liked writing but this is the first time I have ever really done something like this. It is addictingly fun. Also, I promise, if we ever get out of Corpus the story will pick up consdirably. It has to.

The nursery: I am loving it! It has been painted a green that I love some days and others stare at and ask myself, "Did someone puke peas on the wall?" I must say that now that more furniture has been added, I am loving it more and questioning it less. I found a dresser - dear sweet Angela sold me her daughter's dresser at an unbeatable price. I painted it white, slapped some new knobs on it and I am in love. I washed all the baby clothes I have so far and have already folded them neatly and put them in the drawers. I also found perfect totes for the changing table - red and big. They already have things in them too. I have yet to find a rocking chair but am not too worried about it. We have an old recliner that I can use until the perfect one finds me. It matches somewhat and is unbelievably comfortable...and it's free. I will try to post pics sometime soon.

For those of you who have called me in recent days and have not received a phone call in return, I am sorry. I have no cell phone so I have no long distance calling capabilities. Or I don't have your number because it is in my phone. I think Troy and I are fixing this problem today. We have to. I need a phone. (Remember, the world before cell phones?)

At my last doctor's appointment the scale claimed that I have gained 16 pounds in 30 weeks. I can't believe it but I am. I finally feel like I am looking like what a normal pregnant person should look like at 30 weeks and since I have been put on a very high dosage of Iron due to being "fairly severely anemic" I am feeling much better energy wise. The baby's head is still very low but nothing has changed otherwise. However, my doctor did cause me to panic slightly when he said this as he was leaving my appt on Thursday:
"When does school start?"
"Teachers go back on the 17th."
"Okay, schedule your next appt for before that date and we will talk about school then."
Um, okay. What does that mean? I am trying not to panic. Maybe he just wants to write my principal a note that says, "Please allow Jenny to teach from her desk. Thank you." I am sure that is what it is. Not.

So, Mason went to school three days last week. I did this because Monday he is moving up to the next class and he doesn't handle change well so I wanted him to have some days in his old class before the switch. Also, I am trying desperately to make my classroom look like one which is all but impossible when I can't lift anything heavy. Shh. Don't tell anyone that I dragged some heavy things. And I need all the time I can get to plan. For someone, who literally is thrilled if she plans a week in advance, planning 12 weeks in advance for students I don't even know, is making me stress. Anyway, as you all read, dropping him off Monday was sad but we're adjusting. In fact, Mason cried, CRIED, when I picked him up on Thursday because I picked him up as they were lining up for the playground. He was livid and heartbroken. I think we'll be fine.

Um, I guess that is it. I don't have much of anything else to say. I promise that the next installment is being composed in my mind as I drift off to sleep. It's coming soon. Maybe, maybe later today because Troy has promised Mason they'll go fishing. We'll see.

Sea Treasure

Jenny wasn't quite sure how it happened. She couldn't believe it had happened. And she knew, that it would never happen again. In the midst of 25 other friends, Jenny and Troy were alone. Somehow, a walk along the beach with friends had turned into the two of them alone as each of the other travelers peeled off from the group running and splashing in the distance ahead.

The remaining glow from the setting sun had painted the sky with a dull purplish river and the roar of the waves had become a serene whisper creating a peaceful tranquility only found on the beach as sunset meets twilight. Cool waves splashing at their bare feet, Jenny and Troy strolled slowly side by side down the beach.

Jenny, for once, was comfortable with their frequent moments of silence. She did not feel the usual panic to grope her mind for something clever or cute to say. Instead, they just walked, eyes on the ground reaching for an occasional shell that had washed ashore. They would show each other their treasures before deciding to keep them or toss them. It was a moment of perfection for Jenny. It was the first time Jenny really looked at Troy. Every other time they had been together, there was always some distraction - a game, friends, Jenny trying to perfect her flirting. Now, it was just them, alone. She glanced at him, trying to remember every detail of this moment so that she could pour it out into her diary later. His hair was blond and wavy, ever more attractive when it was wet and messy. His smile was always so casual and easy, like he should have one hand in a pocket and tux jacket thrown over his shoulder. The way he would smile at her, made her feel perfect. Not better, not different, but perfect in her own imperfections. Jenny soaked in every detail trying to remember them all, but knowing perhaps the only one that would stay forever were his eyes. His eyes were a blue like nothing Jenny had ever seen, like the blue of the ocean you can see straight to the bottom of. And when he would laugh at her, truly laugh at her because of something she said or did, they would squint up and dance. Jenny knew she could spend the rest of her life trying to make his eyes look just like that.

As Jenny looked at him, careful not to appear as though she was looking at him, he gradually slowed down, turning to face the beach. She stopped beside him and they both stood there looking out at the endless ocean while their feet became buried in the wet sand with each incoming wave. They joked casually about being buried from head to toe and how long that could take. Then they began discussing how great the trip had been.
"I can't believe we leave tomorrow." Jenny said.
"I know. What a quick four days..." Troy trailed off.
"It's been so fun and, well, I am so glad that you have just accepted that I am better at Shuffleboard than you." Jenny joked.
He smiled. "Whatever. Better at shuffleboard. Yeah."
There was a pause as Troy bent down to pick up a shell that had washed up to his feet. It was a small gray scallop. He looked at it for a second and then held out the shell in his hand for Jenny.
"Here, something to remember the trip by. You can put it with all those other things you keep saving."
"Thanks." Jenny said quietly as she took the shell from his fingertips, her hand grazing his. "I will. I have this whole collection of things...for a scrapbook maybe...and plus, I just like collecting things...."Jenny rushed on, for the first time feeling slightly nervous about things. She was trying to set her feet free when Troy interrupted her rambling.
"Um, I've really had a great time here...I mean, with you...."
Jenny looked up at him only to see him looking at the ground.
"And...well, it's just been fun, you know? Hanging out..."
He looked at her. Jenny's heart was beating. He was trying to say he liked her. Right here on this beach. When he paused, Jenny cut in. "I know! It has been fun and...I can't believe tomorrow it is over...I mean, the trip, not...well, the fun..."
"What was that! Seriously, say something to make him say more." Jenny thought to herself.
"I have had fun with you too..." She rushed.
"Say something else! Say something else!" Her mind panicked.
"and thanks for the shell."
"Thanks for the shell! Oh, please, Jenny, just stop talking." She hated herself in that moment.
Finally, Troy smiled. Jenny breathed.
"Um, I was wondering something...I mean, I don't know if...well, it's been fun and you are...well, I was wondering if maybe when we get back-"
"Hey, Jenny!" Aaron, her brother's friend, shouted running at them. He grabbed Jenny by the waist and spun her around before plopping her down a few feet from Troy. A loud group was right behind Aaron, and before she knew it, Troy was being recruited for a game of Capture the Flag and her friends were begging her to go to the pool. They looked at each other for a brief moment and then went their separate ways. But Jenny could swear she saw a look of disappointment and regret on his face as he walked away.

Jenny looked down at the shell in her hand. He liked her. He did. There was no doubt. He was about to say so but couldn't. As she was dragged to the pool with her friends, she replayed every word he said. When we get back... what did that mean? Hanging out more, would things change, a date...? She would just have to find out, but she feared that would not happen until much later. That moment on the beach was too perfect. Who knows when, if ever, they would be alone again. Stupid Aaron. Ruining everything.

When we get back...

Why.

Today was Mason's first day back at school.
Why is it so hard to drop him off?
His teachers went on and on about missing him and being so glad to see him.
His friends all rushed to him with smiles of joy at seeing him.
I know he is in a good place.
Then, why, when I reach down and hug him goodbye and kiss his soft little cheek is it so heartwrenching to leave him behind?
Why do I watch him for a few minutes after the door shuts wishing I could go back in and wrap him in a big bear hug and hear him say, "bye momma" one more time?
And why does this act of leaving him there make me feel like I am the worst mother in the world?

It will get easier.
He loves his school.
This is what I have to do.
But, why does it make me cry like this?

Give me strength, God.
Ease the guilt.
Make his day great so that tomorrow will be easier.