In case you're wondering...

I am alive. barely.

It's not getting easier. If anything, it's harder. I haven't posted because I didn't want to whine anymore. But it's really hard.

I can't imagine what it will be like leaving him at daycare. I just don't think I can do it...

Day 1 down, a milliondy jillion to go...

I didn't cry when I left. I didn't cry in the car. I didn't cry when people hugged me hello and said welcome back. I cried when I opened my classroom door and the familiar smell of white board cleaner and old carpet reached my nose. It was then that a few tears came. It was sad to not be pregnant. It was sad to see my "to do before baby list" still tacked on my board. It was sad that my time of maternity leave was over. And it was sweetly sad when I opened my email and there were two sweet emails from friends who said they were praying for me.

But I only cried a few minutes. I got ready for the day. First period arrived. There were hugs and grins and "I am so glad you're backs" and shy smiles. And slowly the day went on. I didn't cry again. I only got sad when I wondered what he was doing or wondered if he wondered where I was. But even then I didn't cry.

At lunch, I called home. The boys were doing great. No problems. I pumped several ounces in about ten minutes.

Then I found out the holiday extravaganza we were planning was cancelled. That put a smile on my face for sure.

Then 6th period came and 7th period came and they were good. Really good. ANd then I was done. I quickly got ready for tomorrow and left.

And then I got to see my baby grant. And he smiled and nursed and all was well.

I am dead tired, but it was a good day. A very good day. Thank you Jesus for such a great first day back. Thank you friends for all your sweetness and prayers.


Just 19 days till Christmas break...

Oh, and I will be calling tomorrow about pictures. Wow. What a response! You guys are the best...I hope I didn't guilt you into it. Those were some pretty whiney posts...
:)

Mrs. Whiney Pants Realizes a few things

1. I needed to pout. I needed to whine. I needed to mourn. So I did. (below)
   
2. Since typing that post about 30 minutes ago, I went to bed and realized many things.
   
3. I like my job. I do. It's draining and tiring and hard, but it's rewarding and creative.
   
4. I have many good breaks - Christmas, Spring Break, and the big Kahuna Summer.
   
5. I was able to take off 9 weeks, not just six like many many mommas. Definitely worth appreciating.
   
6. My mom is going to watch him for four weeks. She is not me, but pretty darn close. Grant probably wouldn't even notice except for the bottle thing.
   
7. The day care he is going to is good. Has an 86 person waiting list. Mason will be there too. It's not me, but it is a good place.
   
8. I work in one of the most mom friendly environments. I am surrounded by moms. That is important.
   
9. I live three blocks from my house. If over the next four weeks I can't stand it, I can drive home and see the boys during my conference.
   
10. My principal has already give me permission to do number 9.
    
11. I don't have a TAKS test to worry about.
    
12. Grant is a healthy good baby. He's cute. His caretakers will like him, if not love him.
13. I have very little reason to whine. I have many reasons to be thankful.
    
14. I apologize for pouting. But it did make me feel better.
    
15. I have it good, here, people. Real good. Thank you Father for already opening my eyes.
    
16. Sorry, for being pouty. I would delete the post, but Kylah gets made when people do that so I won't.

Good night.

Pictures?

Due to a slightly rising interest in my photography skills, and my ever growing desire to find an alternative to full time work, I am going to start taking pictures for people. I don't know yet what I will charge. That part seems impossibly awkward...but...well, it is what it is.

So, if you or someone you know needs a very not professional photographer for family portraits or baby pictures, or maternity pictures or engagement pictures or anything (EXCEPT WEDDINGS) then give me a call.

I know this somewhat contradicts my whining post about not wanting to be away from grant but I see this little post as a start to something bigger, maybe. It will take tme away now, maybe, but in the end maybe this will be a way for me to be at home part time...

One more thing, I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, be offended if you don't ask for me to be your photographer. I don't expect you to. I am just putting this out there to see what happens. I 100% expect that very few of you will actually need this "service" immediately if ever. I just thought my blog would be a good first "ad".

Okay, so there it is. Comment or call if needed. No pressure. Really.

Many Things

• Thanksgiving was fantastic, wonderful, fun, delicious, perfect...except for the absence of Troy. The stupid basketball coach had a practice at 11 am on THANKSGIVING DAY. So he was unable to go home for the holiday. I keep reminding myself of the two months we will have during the summer.
  
• We put up the tree, decorated the mantle and put a few more odds and ends here and there. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....
• My mom has officially moved in for the next four weeks to keep Grant while I go back to work. It is a blessing I can't express in words. I know her time here will be so helpful and wonderful and I will be forever indebted to her for doing this.
  
• I have been having school nightmares. I always do when I am about to go back. I dream things like me having no plans, or horrible students, or wearing two different shoes or my classroom is outside in the cold, etc.
  
• Mason is dying to write his Santa letter, except he calls it his "toy list" which sounds much more greedy than a sweet letter to santa. I have a lot of work to do, too, A.
  
• We made a fire today and listened to Christmas music all day. If only it had snowed...
• And finally, the longest bullet of them all...tomorrow. It's here. It's actually tomorrow. I go back to work, to 125 students, to grading papers, lesson plans, stupid holiday extravaganzas, parent conferences...and I leave grant and Mason. I would like to say I haven't cried again. I would be lying. I cried on the way home from Thanksgiving and I cried just now putting Grant to bed.
  

I keep telling myself it could be worse, to be thankful, that I am doing what I have to, blah blah, blah. All I want to do is throw myself down on the floor and cry like a two year old. I spent all day decorating just trying to keep from thinking about it, but then the whole house was decorated and all I could do is think of it. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. The big black cloud that has loomed in my mind is about to drown out my happiness.

I am being slightly melodramatic. In my mind, I have been thinking of tomorrow as the end. The end of all the good stuff. The end of smiles. The end of Grant. The end of being a good mom. The end.

I think that is because teaching is somewhat an all consuming job. It's hard and long and draining. I can't just show up. I have to plan and plan and give and give and be patient and loving and kind and creative...even when I don't want to. But here's the deal. Everything I do the rest of the year I am going to have to ask myself this question, "Am I giving this job priority over my family?" and if the answer is ever yes, then something is wrong. My students, as important as they are, are NOT more important than me being with my family. I will not be the world's best teacher this year(or any year ever), I will not get an award for most creative, fantabulous lesson and I will not get super scores on my dumb Sweeps walk throughs, but I will leave at a decent hour and I will NOT bring work home. Period.

I am sad. I am heartbroken. I don't want to leave. I know I will cry tomorrow. I know I will cry the next day and the next. But it could be worse. It could. Moms are in Iraq. Moms work two or more jobs just to get by. This continual woe is me litany must end....It's just so hard. So heart ripping hard.

Tomorrow is here.

Father,
You have provided for me again and again. You have showered me with your love, covered me in your grace and shown me that you are my hope. Help me tomorrow and the next day and the next day...Help the days to go quickly and smoothly. Help me to remember to keep things simple, to not let my job consume me. Continue to open my eyes to the abundant blessings you have provided. Thank you, Thank you for all you have done and will do. You are my strength. You can do things I can't even fathom. You have done the impossible. Bless this time. Fill me with joy, not sorrow. Set my feet to dancing. Help me to not wallow in this difficult time, but to find joy in it. You are my provider - my provider of joy, of hope, of earthly wants and needs, of life. Help me, Father, to be the mother, wife and woman of God you want me to be. Help. In all the ways you already know that I need.
In your name,
Amen

Yippee Skippee!!!

Is anyone else beyond thrilled that the weather forecast for T-day is super chilly?
Or that that on sunday we actually have a chance for SNOW SHOWERS?

I mean, what better way to start the christmas season?!

I can't wait.

A Kitchen Tragedy

So, I made dinner tonight. It was a tragedy.

Is steak supposed to have a jerkyesque quality? No, I didn't think so.

Are baked potatoes supposed to have crunchy cores after an hour and a half in the oven followed by two stays in the microwave? No.

Is sour cream supposed to be crunchy? Oh, it's not supposed to be frozen? Seriously, what is wrong with my fridge..

We had very little butter. Had it not been for the cheese, the potatoes would have been a complete loss.

This meal must make me pause and ponder:

Steak and potatoes is the most fail proof meal one can make.
I have failed.
What does this mean?

Yes, I thought you would say that.

Quit trying and hire a cook.


I must say this for the record: I am typically a baked potato master. Ask troy. I am an artist with baked potatoes. And steak - oooh, doggy. Good stuff. It makes this failure particularly potent....

7 weeks going on 70 years

I love this picture of grant! He looks like he is thinking something of such great importance...He has such an old man face.

Tears

Tears come when I least expect them.

When I hear the song "I'll be home for Christmas" and I think about soldiers who won't be home.

When I tuck mason's covers around him before I go to bed.

When I go to school to prepare for my return and I get so overwhelmed it scares me.

When I think about all the things I haven't done.

When I think about all the things I need to do.

When I pray.

But most of all, when I think about going back to work. I mean, really, really, really think about it. Today was the first time I let myself. I was nursing grant, and I imagined not seeing him for at least 8 hours. An ache formed deep within me. A guilty, black, horrible ache settled into my heart.

The ache of simply leaving him is compounded by the question that haunts my every thought.
"Am I a bad mother?"

I know the answer. I do. But it's still there. That little voice.

It's happening. I am going back. I am. I have to finish this year and then I am done. I am done. I have said it for two years, but this year I am done. God has given me too many creative talents to not use them for a better purpose. I'll take pictures. I'll tutor. I'll watch other people's children. I'll make things to sell at craft fairs. But I am not going to leave my kids all day every day anymore. I wasn't built this way.

But for the next six months, I must. And it will be okay. It will. I am going to keep crying, but I will find a way to be happy.

If you're not happy with what you have, you're never going to be happy with what you want. I have to find a way to be happy with this situation. It's all about my attitude.

I can do all things through him....I know the plans I have for you...there is no end to His love...

As the tears make hot tracks down my cheeks, I realize how blessed I am:

A God who loves me. I was going to continue after that sentence, but that one really just says it all.
A family who supports me, who is there for me.
Jobs that we are proud of, that we enjoy - good, solid, jobs
Friends - amazing supportive loving funny wonderful friends
Our health that I so often take for granted
A home that I love, that was built for my family.
I could go on and on...

There are so many with so little. Be thankful, Jenny.

Tears. They just come sometimes. Just when I think I might have it under control, there they are. But sometimes a good cry is all I need to smile again.

A Hot Date!!!

Troy and I went on a date tonight! My sister Bekah came over with her two roommates and watched the boys.

I took a shower, did myhair and make up, and put on my sexy momma jeans and a cleavage revealing shirt. I mean, come on, I have it for once in my life. The least I can do is show it off for my hubby. :)

So, what did we do for our hot date? We ate at chilis and went to, you guessed it, Target. But it was oh, so fun. Just talking with no constant interruption. No trips to the potty just because mason is bored waiting for the food. No nursing while I eat.

Troy and I actually had a conversation. We talked about jobs, Christmas, family, what we want to do during our summer off...it was so very very nice.

At target we got some ideas for christmas presents. I was ecstatic when I saw the christmas music display. I almost cried when I pressed the button for the Christmas Crooners CD and Bing Crosbys, "I'm dreaming of a white christmas" played.

It was a very wonderful first date post baby. And the boys did great. Grant drank wonderfully from a bottle and never got fussy supposedly. Yay!

Awkward

Yesterday, Mason, Grant and I were just hanging out on the floor.

Grant tooted, rather loudly.
Mason looks at me, eyebrow raised, glances side to side and says, "Awk-ward."

Okay, that is just not a funny typed because you guys don't know the tone he said it in but it was hilarious. This is for me to remember.

Upon Further Consideration...

I am going to make Taco soup tonight for the playdate. That way I can already have it in the crockpot before you arrive so I won't be trying to cook something with you here. The kids could have something different like a gourmet meal of macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets. Let me know what you think. And meems if you want to bring chips and salsa, that would be great!

Why!????!!!!!

Why won't he go to sleep? WHY? What is wrong with him?????? Oh, my gosh! Seriously. THis has been our night since about 7pm.

Nurse, burp, change, swaddle, bounce, asleep, goes in bed, sleeps for oh, five minutes, and then wakes up sreaming. I let him cry for a few minutes and then bounce, sleep, bed, sleep, crying again. Nurse, change, swaddle, bed, cry....and on and on and on and on.

I have a headache. I need some sleep. I thought I had done it about nine pm. He was crying, crying, crying and then slowly it stopped. "Yes!" I thought. He is asleep and he did it all by himself. OH, about TWENTY minutes later I went to check on my sleeping precious only to discver him wide eyed and bushytailed staring at the ceiling. About five minutes later the crying commenced.

Why do I give birth to non sleeping children?

Eek! Playdate at my house

Okay, so I am doing it. A playdate at my house. I am excited and nervous. For some reason being a hostess stresses me out.

I am letting it go. The...the...whatever it is that keeps me from inviting people over. You people like me for me, not my house or my hostessing skills.

Okay, tomorrow I have some early afternoon commitments. So lets set this shindig up for around 5ish. All ages and genders welcome. Um, dinner will occur during this. Hmm. Suggestions? I could make spinach quesadillas...they're pretty good. And the kids could just have cheese quesadillas. Let me know...

I am so excited about possibly speaking to actual girl adults. Yippee!!!

And Kia, you come here! I am sure the 3 and a half hour drive will be worth it! :)

Bullets

• I like coffee
• Grant is sleeping better. If better means a four hour stretch now and then. Celebrate the small victories, right? He is doing better because I have been a horrible mom. I have allowed him to cry before bedtime sometimes. The longest I have allowed him to do this is ten minutes. Is that bad? The good thing about this mean method is that he hasn't nursed to sleep in a while. I just swaddle him into a baby burrito, bounce him around for a few minutes until his eyelids get heavy and then I put him in bed.
• Mason is trying to earn money by doing chores because he broke one of our windows with a ball. He didn't tell us he did this. His punishment is to pay us back (and spankings), of course, we don't really expect him to earn all of it. It's just the idea, you see.
• I should be cleaning something.
  
• My parents are in New York for two weeks. Losers. Can you imagine how pretty it is there?
  
• I have nothing to say. I thought the bullet method would make me ramble. It's not working. I feel like I have had a string of boring posts lately.
  
• You know what happens when you always enter your house through the garage and never use your front door? Your jack o lanterns become bug infested rotting corpses that resemble a chopped off head. Beware of our doorstep.
  
• Troy is out of town this weekend. I am going to be bored to tears. Well, not bored. But desperate for adult contact. Is anybody free tomorrow evening for a very casual play date?
  
• Are you ready for this? My laundry room has no laundry in it. I have done it all. Folded it all. Put it all away. Miracles never cease.
  
• Last night Grant was in bed and then he started to fuss. I finished loading the dishwasher(again, miracles...) and was headed back to his room when he stopped crying. I get to his door and troy, in his orange boxers and nothing else, is standing by Grant's crib. He was swinging grant back and forth gently as he went back to sleep. It was just about the cutest thing I have ever seen.
  
• I finished my Louis Lamour book. It was so dern good I started another one. Yes suh, I did!
• I hung Grant's letters. I just stuck them to the wall. I tried the ribbon and stuff and it just made the letters look too busy. They look cute on the wall, but I still feel like his room is kind of blah.
  
• Mason's favorite food lately is this really easy good potato soup I make. It has four ingredients. Yep. Just four and it is mighty tasty and can feed your family for about three bucks, six if you add a salad.
  
• Seriously, I have nothing important to say.
  
• I go back to work in two weeks. That post is coming.
  
• Okay, I must get something done...

That's all she wrote.

Grandi to the rescue

Grandi called! She has marbles. Yippee! And due to my resourcefulness, I no longer need jacks. So all my problems have been solved.

Well, I mean, I still bite my nails. I can't finish a load of laundry to save my life. I talk to myself in HEB. I don't know how I will pay for the toothache that has developed lately. And Mason's haircut that he got today makes him have two poofs on the side of his head.

But the marble problem has been solved.

marbles and jacks

Does anyone know where I can find some marbles in town? I want alot of classicy looking ones to fill a jar. I don't want to spend a fortune. I have checked the new wal- mart and dollar tree. It seems like you used to be able to find these anywhere...I guess no one is really playing marbles anymore. That's kind of sad.

And jacks in classic colors. I don't want like neon or all silver.

If anyone has any tips that would be great!

One more thing - has anyone seen the rereleased fisher price toys that are in Target. They are coming back because of that movie, mr. magosomeones emporium. For someone who loves anything vintage or classic(like me!), these toys are so cool. Both the boys will be getting a few for Christmas.

Christmas Traditions

I, like every blogger, am very excited about Christmas. I just can't wait. I really want to capture the Christmas spirit and make the whole month of december feel special.

So, like I said in a previous post, this is the year for great Christmas traditions to begin. Of course we have several now, but I want to start a few more since Mason is really old enough to enjoy them.

Anyway, I have a request or favor to ask of you. Will you post some of your family's christmas traditions? All or just your favorites. Things you eat, bake, do, read, watch, how presents are opened, when presents are opened, etc.

To get us started here are some of ours:

• We eat sausage balls for breakfast. They are so good and the smell of them baking is so christmassy.
  
• I only allow myself to listen instrumental christmas music until after thanksgiving. Then I can listen to it all.
  
• I always try to get mason to make people gifts. Last year he gave mom painted flower pots, pop pop got a painted hammer and Grandi got a painted picture frame. Troy got a painted box. (mason told him when he came home after we had painted it: "We painted gema a pot and we DID NOT paint you a box." It was pretty cute.)
  
• We get to open one present on Christmas Eve. When we were growing up, choosing which gift to open was so hard!!!
• Troy's family hides a pickle ornament on the tree and whoever finds it gets a present. I love that. I had never heard of it until I was married.
  
• I always make peppermint and cinnamon hard candy. You just pour the mixture onto a cookie sheet and then crack it like glass. Oh, the smell of it boiling (forever!) is the best. It just fills the whole house. And it is so pretty in a glass jar.
  
• One year we went caroling on a hay ride in my neighborhood. We only did it one year, but it was so wonderful. We should find a way to do this in san angelo - can't you just imagine sitting all bundled up in the trailer with cups of hot cocoa in our hands as the words of Silent Night fill the air. Oh, we have to do this!!!!
• This year I am doing an advent calendar. Every day from december 1st to Christmas we will open a little box(I know how to make them out of paper) and in each will be old fashioned christmas hard candy and a piece of paper that tells us which Christmas story we will read or a Christmas movie to watch. We'll start with books like "How the grinch stole Christmas" and then progress to the more meaningful ones like that one by max lucado and the real christmas story. I like the idea of doing something every day and reading a story will take all of 15 minutes, so I think we'll actually do it. Movies will probably be on fridays and saturdays. Polar Express, miracle on 34th street, home alone, santa clause, white christmas, rudolph, the charlie brown christmas special... I just can't wait!!!
• We are also going to have a christmas puzzle. I love puzzles. Like almost to the point of addiction. I can't stop working on them. So we'll have a table set up somewhere and have a puzzle to put together by Christmas.
  
• This year I am going to really wrap my presents. I used to think that wrapping should be done as cheaply as possible, but I think there is something so special and exciting about opening up a beautifully wrapped present. It seems more special. (Plus, it satisfies my need to buy colorful ribbon and make pretty things!)
• This year I am going to bake ALOT and deliver Christmas tins of goodies to people - friends, maybe the fire and police station, neighbors, etc.
  

Okay, I guess that is it. I am sure I will think of more but those are my favorite. Please share yours.

Maybe we could all share a favorite christmas recipe too?

Don't feel pressured to share, but I think it will really spark that christmas spirit and I would like to have a few more traditions.

A renewed love of reading

Okay, confession.

I teach English.

But up until very recently I hadn't read a book for pleasure in, are you ready for this, years! Unless Mason's bedtime stories or a student's paper counts, that's the truth. I am so ashamed to say that.

Well, then I became a nursing mom. I have found that reading while nursing is wonderful. It helps me relax and not watch the clock. It gives me something to think about while I am sitting in the rocking chair endlessly. And it keeps the TV off which could very easily be the nursing entertainment.

So in the last four weeks or so I have read about 8 books. Mainly ones my mom loaned me. I just finished two nicholas Sparks books - At first Sight and Dear John. As all sparks books go, I cried like a baby reading them. So very good. He is such a great writer. If I could trade jobs with someone, I would be him or Mary Engelbreit. I once saw a picture of her studio and almost cried because it was so...so...colorful. Paint, markers, pencils, paintbrushes, paper, posters....I can't imagine how fun it would be to go to "work" and use those things. And I would be Nicholas Sparks because his books are so real and honest. I mean they all have a fairy tale like feeling, but the heart of them is so sincere and believable and inspiring.

I am way off track.

So I read those two books which I highly recommend and I am down to only two book options. One by Louis Lamour and the other by Elmer Kelton. Both are western fiction. I borrowed both from my mom because she always read LL books when I was a kid and because Elmer Kelton is from San Angelo.

SO I am about halfway through the LL book. It's quite a difference to go from the depth and romance of Sparks to the
"Listen, 'ere, woman.The name's jebediah and I ain't much on courtin', but when I first laid my eyes on you, I knew it was you I would be aiming to marry. "
"Well, sir, that is mighty fine and I had been wanting to take me a husband right quick before the wagon trained headed west. I'll marry ya."

I mean really, the lack of "courtin' " in his books is down right hilarious, but probably somewhat historically accurate. And besides that, I can hardly put his book down - all the indian scalpin's and wagon trains and near death encounters. It's pretty dern good, if I do say so meself. :)

It's nice to be reading again. I used to read all the time as a child, but then, sadly, English class assignments kind of stole the pleasure and joy of reading. But it's back now.

I am an English teacher. I hope I am not the kind that squelches the reading joy.

Grrrr.....

I cannot tell you the frustration I have just experienced while making that slide show. I lost it TWICE! And still there are like three pictures that didn't make it to the slide show. I hope you enjoy what few pictures made it.

A little bit of everything October

The Project

I have been wanting to do something with Grant's name in his room. I couldn't decide how or what to do to the letters to make them cute or cool. I thought about painting them, but didn't know how I would... so I did this.

The letters are basically scrapbooked. And for once, they turned out as cute as I imagined they would be. I have to say I am pretty proud of my little creation. :) The only problem now is trying to figure out how to hang them - ideas? Also, I think the r looks funny. What do you guys think? Give me a g!

Give me a R!

Give me an A!

Give me a N!

Give me a T!

What do you get? A very cute "grant!"

ONe more thing

This is silly that I am posting this but I thought they were cool. Target also has these really cute place mats for a dollar. There is one for letters, shapes, colors, USA, and numbers. I got one of each for mason to learn from. I mean he already knows most of that stuff(except the map) but a little daily reminder while we eat won't hurt, right?

Okay, that's it. Really.

FYI

Not that ANY of us need more candy in our house or anything, but Target has all their halloween candy and halloween stuff 50% off. Only the outside packaging is halloweenish so you could use the little candies for upcoming holidays. I bought a bag for stocking stuffers and for Mason's school party. They also have a ton of their fall stuff on sale which I think is silly since Thanksgiving is still like 20 days away, but whatever. And all their old 'one spot' stuff is 75% off. I got lots of stocking stuffers there too. But it was kind of slim pickin's.

Also, on a completely separate note. I returned to hobby lobby today. Minus one boy. Nothing was injured but my "blow" money envelope.
I bought the supplies for a project that in my mind will be adorable, but I fear will not turn out that way. But I am going to have fun trying! Of course if it works, pictures will be posted.

I want to post our halloween, pumpkin patch, pumpking carving pictures but it just takes so long. I will get to it. I promise(mom). :)

How?!

How does it happen?
I picked up the house this morning. I didn't clean, but you know, picked up.
It's 1:29.

There is a
sock
five shoes
two dvd cases
a hula hoop
a small pumpkin
three index cards
a package of pretzels
a roll of smarties
a glass bowl
a boppy pillow
two pacifiers
a baby shirt
and a butterscotch candy

on my floor or on the couch in the living room.

How does it happen?
HOW!!!!?????

And so begins the picking up again...

:)