Bleh

I am in a pathetic poohy mood. I can't shake it. It's not depressed. It's not stressed. It's not angry. But it is.

Work is...is...work. I don't often get annoyed with people. Here lately, My hands ball up into tight little fists when I am around certain people. I can't elaborate for fear that they may someday find this blog, and read this. But I seriously can't stand certain people. And the pregnancy hormones are making it hard not to snap.

Because of the aforementioned situation, I feel like I have had to somewhat stifle my teaching style/desires because it would be too complicated for...the aforementioned situation. This post will be like code for some of you. Sorry. I must vent. I feel like I have been a cruddy teacher. But I don't have the energy for much else.

I am tired. And I know I am pregnant but I don't feel like I should be this tired. I mean, really, I have been feeling pretty good. My feet don't hurt that often. My back rarely hurts. I am not swelling up. And the contractions are becoming less frequent. I have had it so incredibly easy compared to other pregnant women. But yet, when I get home, I am sooooooo very tired. And so Mason ends up watching Hannah Montana for like an hour while I lay on the couch which in turn makes me feel like a horrible mother.

Yesterday, I picked up Mason from school, and for whatever reason, just started crying in the car. I feel so pathetic at everything and overwhelmed by it all. Mason, of course, can tell I am crying and goes, "Momma, why are you crying?" ( I cry harder because his voice is so sweet.)
"I am just tired honey. And I just...am tired. I feel like I am not being a good mommy or teacher."
"But momma," he replies with a sweet almost frustrated tone, "you are a good mommy."
Well of course I cry harder because he is so sweet and sincere.
About fifteen minutes later, we take dinner to Troy and I am trying desperately not to appear as though I have been crying. He by some miracle doesn't notice. Then he asks something and I say, "I am just tired."
And Mason goes,
"Yeah, and she was crying because she thinks she is a bad mommy, but I told her she was a good mommy."
So, then I had to explain to troy how I felt when i don't really even know how I feel.

After this Mason and I went back up to school and we were there until 8pm. But it made me feel better. I got all my grades done. I ran copies. I got several things checked off my to do list.

Today was good, but still so very overwhelming and frustrating. I emailed my principal. The first line said, "I am nearing a nuclear meltdown" followed by things bothering me. I told him I know he couldn't fix it, but I wanted him to know. He responded with admirable promptness, that I put way too much on my shoulders, that my students will be fine without me and will be dying for me to come back, That i have way overplanned for my sub, that its 6th grade english, it's not life or death, and that "he thinks the world of me."

I tear up, again, and feel better. Sometimes you just need to hear it from the person you are trying to do it all for. At least all the school stuff. So, I felt better. I left school at 4:20 and did not bring a single school thing home.

And yes, I came home and slept on the couch for an hour while mason's brain rotted in front of the TV, and yes, I was impatient at bedtime and skipped pages in the book he picked out, and yes, there are dirty dishes in the sink, but life goes on. I will do better tomorrow. After sleep. And I guess I will just have to accept my moodiness.

For some reason I feel like I have to be ready for Thursday. I know that Thursday is not going to be the day the baby comes, but that is the day to be ready for him. And every day after that will just be a bonus prep day.

This has been a jumpy moody blog. But it sure did feel good to type it all out. I'll try to think of something sweet, cute or unimportant to say to redeem this blog and to not feel so whiney.