An addendum

I thought I should post an addendum to my previous post(my crazy brain) because I wanted to explain my seemingly complete change of heart. That is one of the bad things about blogging while you are pregnant (or just me...). I "let my thoughts flow" as they come and then things change and my thoughts change and you poor souls are left to wonder why I spent two hours lamenting my desire to stay at home when three weeks later I am all "Woo Hoo! Lesson plans, classroom management....teaching is great!" So here is an explanation for those who may be wondering and to make me feel less like a psycho.

Last week, a position opened in Fort Worth, Texas. Its the one were interviewing for on Tuesday. It pays more than ASU, its in a good school district and Troy might have a good chance for it because he knows some people who know people... Well, we started looking at apartments on line and I started to really imagine what my life would be like in a big city. And I started to get depressed. I could stay at home but I would most likely be in a small apartment or rent house which would cost more than our home here that I love dearly. I would have very few friends there. Troy's job would be a little more demanding. And it just didn't feel right. I just was bummed about it. And I was really trying to be excited.

In the meantime, Troy was talking to the ASU trainer about the specifics of pay, benefits, etc. Well, the bring home pay was about 300 less than we originally thought. It was already going to be incredibly tight as it was, but taking 300 bucks away made it crazy impossible. Then we found out the clincher. He does not recieve benefits, like health insurance, until 90 days after his first day of employment. That would be November 1st, conveniently about 21 days after I am due to deliver. My benefits through my job would stop in August. Not an ideal situation. I could choose to pay for the insurance out of pocket but that would make an impossibly tight financial situation even tighter.

So, I started thinking. I started praying. I started to really think about teaching. If one has to work, it is, in my opinion, the best mom job. Summers, holidays, breaks, weekends, and you are working in an environment filled with moms and children loving people. I started to think about what it would be like to just know "We are staying here. I am teaching, yes, but we are here. No moving, no house selling, no leaving friends, no unknowns." That made me feel good enough to call Human Resources.

I asked the lady about all the details about time off after having a baby. From my conversation with her, I discovered that I could leave when the baby is born and not come back until after Christmas Break. That would give me 12 weeks at home with the baby. Of course, if I deliver like three weeks early, then that would change, but no matter when I deliver I can take those 12 weeks. During those 12 weeks, I will have six weeks with partial pay because of disability insurance, then 16 days of sick days that I won't get charged for and then the remainder of the days I will have to "pay" for but, if all goes as planned, my time off will include Christmas and Thanksgiving break so I won't have to pay for many days. So I will get 12 weeks off but it really will only be 10 weeks of work. That's probably way confusing and stupid info to all of you.I would get 12 weeks off. That's the point.

The next thing was talking to Mr. Waters about it all. When I said, "If Troy gets the ASU job, I will have to teach and I will want to take 12 weeks off after the baby and come back after Christmas." He said, "But youll come back?! That sounds great to me." It was great to know that he would want me back even when I am going to leave one of his classrooms "teacherless" for 12 weeks.

So, after all that, I called a person whose opinion matters more to me than most. My mom. I told her everything I knew and almost before I could finish the details, she says, "I would teach Jenny. I know you want to stay at home. I want you at home. But I just think there are so many benefits to you guys staying in San Angelo. Everywhere else will be full of unknowns. The rest of your pregnancy will be spent stressing and moving. And I don't really know how happy you would even be staying at home while in a big city in a tiny apartment with few friends." It's so nice when someone you respect and admire and you know knows you, says exactly what you are thinking. I felt like the decision was made then.

So, after three days of thinking and praying, I just really felt at peace with working again. I still have to push certain thoughts from my mind - like, well, I don't want to say them because I don't want to get sad. I know it will be hard and I know I will cry and wish more times than one that I was at home, but I think the pros of staying and working outweigh the other options.

And, one last thing. One of the teachers I was teaching with at summer school who has four kids, who wished she could have been at home with but it just never worked out for her, (by the way, her kids are AMAZING. I had one in a class last year. LUVED her!) said, "There has to be a reason. Maybe there is some 6th grader that really needs you. " And you know what, I am going to cling to that. There is some student who needs me. God needs me there. And therefore he will give me the Grace, energy, stamina and creativity to figure out how to make it through.

So, I hope that explains the major change of heart. I do still wish there was a way to stay at home and I believe that it will happen, just not now. Now, hopefully you all don't think I am a complete psycho and that there is some justification to the madness. ;)