In case you're wondering...

I am alive. barely.

It's not getting easier. If anything, it's harder. I haven't posted because I didn't want to whine anymore. But it's really hard.

I can't imagine what it will be like leaving him at daycare. I just don't think I can do it...

Day 1 down, a milliondy jillion to go...

I didn't cry when I left. I didn't cry in the car. I didn't cry when people hugged me hello and said welcome back. I cried when I opened my classroom door and the familiar smell of white board cleaner and old carpet reached my nose. It was then that a few tears came. It was sad to not be pregnant. It was sad to see my "to do before baby list" still tacked on my board. It was sad that my time of maternity leave was over. And it was sweetly sad when I opened my email and there were two sweet emails from friends who said they were praying for me.

But I only cried a few minutes. I got ready for the day. First period arrived. There were hugs and grins and "I am so glad you're backs" and shy smiles. And slowly the day went on. I didn't cry again. I only got sad when I wondered what he was doing or wondered if he wondered where I was. But even then I didn't cry.

At lunch, I called home. The boys were doing great. No problems. I pumped several ounces in about ten minutes.

Then I found out the holiday extravaganza we were planning was cancelled. That put a smile on my face for sure.

Then 6th period came and 7th period came and they were good. Really good. ANd then I was done. I quickly got ready for tomorrow and left.

And then I got to see my baby grant. And he smiled and nursed and all was well.

I am dead tired, but it was a good day. A very good day. Thank you Jesus for such a great first day back. Thank you friends for all your sweetness and prayers.


Just 19 days till Christmas break...

Oh, and I will be calling tomorrow about pictures. Wow. What a response! You guys are the best...I hope I didn't guilt you into it. Those were some pretty whiney posts...
:)

Mrs. Whiney Pants Realizes a few things

1. I needed to pout. I needed to whine. I needed to mourn. So I did. (below)
   
2. Since typing that post about 30 minutes ago, I went to bed and realized many things.
   
3. I like my job. I do. It's draining and tiring and hard, but it's rewarding and creative.
   
4. I have many good breaks - Christmas, Spring Break, and the big Kahuna Summer.
   
5. I was able to take off 9 weeks, not just six like many many mommas. Definitely worth appreciating.
   
6. My mom is going to watch him for four weeks. She is not me, but pretty darn close. Grant probably wouldn't even notice except for the bottle thing.
   
7. The day care he is going to is good. Has an 86 person waiting list. Mason will be there too. It's not me, but it is a good place.
   
8. I work in one of the most mom friendly environments. I am surrounded by moms. That is important.
   
9. I live three blocks from my house. If over the next four weeks I can't stand it, I can drive home and see the boys during my conference.
   
10. My principal has already give me permission to do number 9.
    
11. I don't have a TAKS test to worry about.
    
12. Grant is a healthy good baby. He's cute. His caretakers will like him, if not love him.
13. I have very little reason to whine. I have many reasons to be thankful.
    
14. I apologize for pouting. But it did make me feel better.
    
15. I have it good, here, people. Real good. Thank you Father for already opening my eyes.
    
16. Sorry, for being pouty. I would delete the post, but Kylah gets made when people do that so I won't.

Good night.

Pictures?

Due to a slightly rising interest in my photography skills, and my ever growing desire to find an alternative to full time work, I am going to start taking pictures for people. I don't know yet what I will charge. That part seems impossibly awkward...but...well, it is what it is.

So, if you or someone you know needs a very not professional photographer for family portraits or baby pictures, or maternity pictures or engagement pictures or anything (EXCEPT WEDDINGS) then give me a call.

I know this somewhat contradicts my whining post about not wanting to be away from grant but I see this little post as a start to something bigger, maybe. It will take tme away now, maybe, but in the end maybe this will be a way for me to be at home part time...

One more thing, I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, be offended if you don't ask for me to be your photographer. I don't expect you to. I am just putting this out there to see what happens. I 100% expect that very few of you will actually need this "service" immediately if ever. I just thought my blog would be a good first "ad".

Okay, so there it is. Comment or call if needed. No pressure. Really.

Many Things

• Thanksgiving was fantastic, wonderful, fun, delicious, perfect...except for the absence of Troy. The stupid basketball coach had a practice at 11 am on THANKSGIVING DAY. So he was unable to go home for the holiday. I keep reminding myself of the two months we will have during the summer.
  
• We put up the tree, decorated the mantle and put a few more odds and ends here and there. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....
• My mom has officially moved in for the next four weeks to keep Grant while I go back to work. It is a blessing I can't express in words. I know her time here will be so helpful and wonderful and I will be forever indebted to her for doing this.
  
• I have been having school nightmares. I always do when I am about to go back. I dream things like me having no plans, or horrible students, or wearing two different shoes or my classroom is outside in the cold, etc.
  
• Mason is dying to write his Santa letter, except he calls it his "toy list" which sounds much more greedy than a sweet letter to santa. I have a lot of work to do, too, A.
  
• We made a fire today and listened to Christmas music all day. If only it had snowed...
• And finally, the longest bullet of them all...tomorrow. It's here. It's actually tomorrow. I go back to work, to 125 students, to grading papers, lesson plans, stupid holiday extravaganzas, parent conferences...and I leave grant and Mason. I would like to say I haven't cried again. I would be lying. I cried on the way home from Thanksgiving and I cried just now putting Grant to bed.
  

I keep telling myself it could be worse, to be thankful, that I am doing what I have to, blah blah, blah. All I want to do is throw myself down on the floor and cry like a two year old. I spent all day decorating just trying to keep from thinking about it, but then the whole house was decorated and all I could do is think of it. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. The big black cloud that has loomed in my mind is about to drown out my happiness.

I am being slightly melodramatic. In my mind, I have been thinking of tomorrow as the end. The end of all the good stuff. The end of smiles. The end of Grant. The end of being a good mom. The end.

I think that is because teaching is somewhat an all consuming job. It's hard and long and draining. I can't just show up. I have to plan and plan and give and give and be patient and loving and kind and creative...even when I don't want to. But here's the deal. Everything I do the rest of the year I am going to have to ask myself this question, "Am I giving this job priority over my family?" and if the answer is ever yes, then something is wrong. My students, as important as they are, are NOT more important than me being with my family. I will not be the world's best teacher this year(or any year ever), I will not get an award for most creative, fantabulous lesson and I will not get super scores on my dumb Sweeps walk throughs, but I will leave at a decent hour and I will NOT bring work home. Period.

I am sad. I am heartbroken. I don't want to leave. I know I will cry tomorrow. I know I will cry the next day and the next. But it could be worse. It could. Moms are in Iraq. Moms work two or more jobs just to get by. This continual woe is me litany must end....It's just so hard. So heart ripping hard.

Tomorrow is here.

Father,
You have provided for me again and again. You have showered me with your love, covered me in your grace and shown me that you are my hope. Help me tomorrow and the next day and the next day...Help the days to go quickly and smoothly. Help me to remember to keep things simple, to not let my job consume me. Continue to open my eyes to the abundant blessings you have provided. Thank you, Thank you for all you have done and will do. You are my strength. You can do things I can't even fathom. You have done the impossible. Bless this time. Fill me with joy, not sorrow. Set my feet to dancing. Help me to not wallow in this difficult time, but to find joy in it. You are my provider - my provider of joy, of hope, of earthly wants and needs, of life. Help me, Father, to be the mother, wife and woman of God you want me to be. Help. In all the ways you already know that I need.
In your name,
Amen

Yippee Skippee!!!

Is anyone else beyond thrilled that the weather forecast for T-day is super chilly?
Or that that on sunday we actually have a chance for SNOW SHOWERS?

I mean, what better way to start the christmas season?!

I can't wait.

A Kitchen Tragedy

So, I made dinner tonight. It was a tragedy.

Is steak supposed to have a jerkyesque quality? No, I didn't think so.

Are baked potatoes supposed to have crunchy cores after an hour and a half in the oven followed by two stays in the microwave? No.

Is sour cream supposed to be crunchy? Oh, it's not supposed to be frozen? Seriously, what is wrong with my fridge..

We had very little butter. Had it not been for the cheese, the potatoes would have been a complete loss.

This meal must make me pause and ponder:

Steak and potatoes is the most fail proof meal one can make.
I have failed.
What does this mean?

Yes, I thought you would say that.

Quit trying and hire a cook.


I must say this for the record: I am typically a baked potato master. Ask troy. I am an artist with baked potatoes. And steak - oooh, doggy. Good stuff. It makes this failure particularly potent....