Eight years ago, I was walking out of school. For some reason I was excited about going to the library to get some books for a creative project I was doing. I remember being actually excited about that. Then I saw my friends mom. She smiled at me and I smiled back. She walked up to me. She asked how I was doing. I began to ramble on about the project and then she interrupted me and took my hand, "Jenny, your dad went to the hospital today. He was starflighted..." Her words and the world faded away.
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus."
The drive to the hospital was unending. I just kept hearing all the different things people were telling me. "they found him at his desk, almost unconcious....he was starflighted to the heart hospital of Austin...tear in his aorta...it is serious...surgery tomorrow..." I was trying so hard not to cry. It would be fine. It would be. But I knew it wasn't going to be. I knew. I knew that this was the end, or the beginning of the end.
"Look full in his wonderful face."
It was too much to bear. It was too much to comprehend. When we got the hospital, I hugged my mom. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. They told me I could go see him, but I was scared. Scared of what he would look like or say. Finally, my friend Kim and I went to see him. He looked tired and weak, but he smiled at us. I remember us talking about my senior pictures. Something so stupid. I will always regret not saying anything else..something important.
"and the things of earth will grow strangely dim"
The next morning, dad went into surgery. My brothers, sisters, mom and I went into see him. I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I knew I would cry and I didn't want to cry. I didn't want dad to see me cry. We all hugged him and then he said words that will stay with me forever. "I have no fear in my heart." He knew. He knew where he was going and he had no fear. He had lived his life to the fullest that he could.
"in the light of his glory and grace."
We spent the morning of his surgery together as a family, surrounded with friends. It was an odd time because we cried, but we laughed too. We smiled and enjoyed the new babies in the family. We sang praise songs right there in the waiting room. We prayed. We played games. I find it odd that when I think back on this time in my life, I smile. I am thankful for these memories.
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus"
For days we waited. It was during this time that I tried to wrap my mind around the concept of dad dying. I knew it wasn't just a possibility, but a likelihood. And for some stupid reason, two stupid questions wouldn't leave me alone. In the midst of trying to imagine a dinner table without his presence, or not seeing him in his chair reading the paper and drinking his coffee, or hearing him say he was proud of me, I kept thinking, "Who is going to kill the bugs that sneak in my room?" I felt so stupid for even thinking something so trivial but it wasn't trivial at that time. That was dad's job. "Who will hug me when I have bad dreams?" Just weeks before my world was shattered, I had had a terrible dream, ran downstairs, and straight into the arms of my dad, who was awake. It was his hug that could take it away. I felt so childish thinking of these two stupid things. But maybe those thoughts kept me from thinking about the more serious.
"Look full in his wonderful face."
He died on September 5th, 1999. We took him off life support and he went home. I remember sitting in the hospitals waiting room and my brother in law sat beside me. Without saying a word, he wrapped his arm around me and I cried. I sobbed on his shoulder for as long as I needed and then the most unexpected thing happened. It felt better. It felt peaceful. It felt okay. Dad was simply in another world, a better world where his weak heart would not prevent him from any of his dreams. It still hurt, but in a different way.
"And the things of earth will grow strangely dim"
The days following his passing are like a blur. Troy was in boot camp and could not be there. He wanted to, but he couldn't. People came in flocks with food. I know it is the thing to do, but why bring food. I don't think I or any of my family ate anything for weeks. It just sat there, taking up space in our fridge, reminding us of what had happened. The house felt different. I went back to school immediately just to escape the house and the visitors. But school was no better. No one knew what to say, but they tried so hard. There is nothing to say. I have tried since to find the words for people who have experienced similar. There are no words.
"in the light of his glory and grace."
His funeral was surreal. I just wanted it to be over. Because then we could move on. I just wanted it to be over. There were so many people there that people had to stand up in the back. My dad just worked at the post office. They closed the post office so the workers could come. They closed the post office for my dad. People who just bought stamps from him came for my dad. The funeral was beautiful. I remember at one point my mom standing up, alone, in front of all those people, raising her hands in praise and crying. It was beautiful. It was a day to praise. One of God's children had returned home. He was home. He was healthy. He is waiting for us to join him.
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus."
It was the hardest time in my life. It was a time in my life that I wouldn't change. I think it was the first time I understood what people meant when they said the peace of God. Or how God won't give you more than you can handle. Before my dad went into the hospital, I couldn't even think of it happening. I couldn't even...but after it happened, a peace was there. An understanding. I miss my dad. It, of course, has gotten easier. But there are times, like when I see a dad buying college supplies with her daughter at Target, or when I see a dad and his daughter eating at dairy queen, or when something really big happens in my life, that my eyes burn with tears that I won't let show. But despite the pain of losing him, I am so very thankful for the way it happened and for the "light of his glory and grace" that can turn the darkest of hours into a peace filled reminder of His love.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
finally
It's below. The next chapter. I want desperately to get like three years ahead of where I am in the story. I'll get us there. Hope you enjoy...
***Why must I be a teenager in love?
Troy and Jenny had been the "it couple" of the younger half of the youth group for four months. Every moment they were in the same room, they were together, side by side. When they weren't together, they were on the phone. It was consuming.
Perhaps it was this that started a gradual change for Jenny. She couldn't explain it. But slowly, she just stopped feeling the same way about him. She missed her freedom. She missed her friends. She began to get annoyed with simple things he did. And perhaps more than all of this, the increasing attention of another young man began to tempt her 14 year old mind.
One day in November, Jenny got the mail as she often did. But on this day, there was a letter for her. There was no return address. She opened it slowly, read it carefully, trying to guess who it was from, only to turn it over and read the closing, "Your Friend, David." She paused, confused and surprised, and then, she smiled. It was nothing, really. The letter was just friendly, just about the things he had been doing and a new TV show he liked called "Friends."
She wrote David back that day. And it had begun. From this moment on, the slight annoyances and the hidden desire to end her relationship with Troy became intensified. Within about a month, she went from adoring his every breath to wanting it to all just go away. She just wanted it to be over. But that was certainly anything but easy.
She pretended everything was fine. She held his hand. She laughed at his jokes. And every night, when they spoke on the phone, she said, "I love you." And then she immediately hung up the phone and hated herself. She hated being so cowardly, so fake, so cruel. She felt trapped. She couldn't tell any of her friends. They still thought Troy was heavensent. And more than all of this, she hated herself for even wanting to break up with Troy. He had not changed. He still loved her just as much as the day he first told her so. He was kind, polite, funny, the guy who only a few short weeks ago, she adored. Jenny wished she could just go back in time and feel the way she did before. But she couldn't.
David and Jenny wrote letters to each other for two months. They remained friendly, nothing slightly romantic about them. But Jenny knew that he liked her. She knew it and it was so very exciting. Just like Corpus was. For Christmas he gave her a book on Disney animation because Jenny had told him she wanted to be an animator when she grew up. She loved it. And she knew what she had to do.
She knew she had to end it. There was nothing else she could do. She was lying to Troy, to her friends, to everyone. She just had to do it. But she couldn't do it. Every night she swore that this was the night she would just say it, "I want to break up." But then every night she would become weak and say, "I love you," hang up the phone and scream. She cried. She yelled. She wrote in her diary. She hated herself.
Finally, Jenny did the most cowardly thing she had ever done, or would ever do. She wrote him a letter. She explained herself the best she could, cried, read it, and reread it again and again, and sent it.
They didn't speak again. It was as if they were strangers. They would walk past each other and look the other way. It was like the previous six months were a dream. He hated her and he should have, Jenny thought. Even on the week long youth group trip to Colorado, they didn't speak once. They both pretended the other didn't exist. Jenny tried to convince herself that this was best, but it just felt wrong. But it was what it was.
David did ask Jenny out. He even asked her out with a ring. It was a James Avery gold band with two hearts and a flower on it. Jenny said yes and immediately regretted it. She didn't really like him. She liked the pursuit. She liked flirting and the challenge. She did not want a boyfriend. But she said yes because she didn't know what else to do. She had led him on. She had accepted his gifts and now, she was trapped again.
So Jenny did what any 14 year old girl would in her situation. She disappeared. She went to her family's ranch every chance she got, she avoided youth group, and she never answered the phone. Eventually, by some miracle, Jenny broke up with David face to face after about a two months of "dating" him. And just like that she had ruined another guy's life. She swore off all guys from this point on. It was just too hard and complicated. She would just be boyfriendless.
But then one night at youth group, about a month before the annual youth group trip to Corpus, a little game of keep away began, and for the first time in 6 months, she spoke to Troy.
Perhaps it was this that started a gradual change for Jenny. She couldn't explain it. But slowly, she just stopped feeling the same way about him. She missed her freedom. She missed her friends. She began to get annoyed with simple things he did. And perhaps more than all of this, the increasing attention of another young man began to tempt her 14 year old mind.
One day in November, Jenny got the mail as she often did. But on this day, there was a letter for her. There was no return address. She opened it slowly, read it carefully, trying to guess who it was from, only to turn it over and read the closing, "Your Friend, David." She paused, confused and surprised, and then, she smiled. It was nothing, really. The letter was just friendly, just about the things he had been doing and a new TV show he liked called "Friends."
She wrote David back that day. And it had begun. From this moment on, the slight annoyances and the hidden desire to end her relationship with Troy became intensified. Within about a month, she went from adoring his every breath to wanting it to all just go away. She just wanted it to be over. But that was certainly anything but easy.
She pretended everything was fine. She held his hand. She laughed at his jokes. And every night, when they spoke on the phone, she said, "I love you." And then she immediately hung up the phone and hated herself. She hated being so cowardly, so fake, so cruel. She felt trapped. She couldn't tell any of her friends. They still thought Troy was heavensent. And more than all of this, she hated herself for even wanting to break up with Troy. He had not changed. He still loved her just as much as the day he first told her so. He was kind, polite, funny, the guy who only a few short weeks ago, she adored. Jenny wished she could just go back in time and feel the way she did before. But she couldn't.
David and Jenny wrote letters to each other for two months. They remained friendly, nothing slightly romantic about them. But Jenny knew that he liked her. She knew it and it was so very exciting. Just like Corpus was. For Christmas he gave her a book on Disney animation because Jenny had told him she wanted to be an animator when she grew up. She loved it. And she knew what she had to do.
She knew she had to end it. There was nothing else she could do. She was lying to Troy, to her friends, to everyone. She just had to do it. But she couldn't do it. Every night she swore that this was the night she would just say it, "I want to break up." But then every night she would become weak and say, "I love you," hang up the phone and scream. She cried. She yelled. She wrote in her diary. She hated herself.
Finally, Jenny did the most cowardly thing she had ever done, or would ever do. She wrote him a letter. She explained herself the best she could, cried, read it, and reread it again and again, and sent it.
They didn't speak again. It was as if they were strangers. They would walk past each other and look the other way. It was like the previous six months were a dream. He hated her and he should have, Jenny thought. Even on the week long youth group trip to Colorado, they didn't speak once. They both pretended the other didn't exist. Jenny tried to convince herself that this was best, but it just felt wrong. But it was what it was.
David did ask Jenny out. He even asked her out with a ring. It was a James Avery gold band with two hearts and a flower on it. Jenny said yes and immediately regretted it. She didn't really like him. She liked the pursuit. She liked flirting and the challenge. She did not want a boyfriend. But she said yes because she didn't know what else to do. She had led him on. She had accepted his gifts and now, she was trapped again.
So Jenny did what any 14 year old girl would in her situation. She disappeared. She went to her family's ranch every chance she got, she avoided youth group, and she never answered the phone. Eventually, by some miracle, Jenny broke up with David face to face after about a two months of "dating" him. And just like that she had ruined another guy's life. She swore off all guys from this point on. It was just too hard and complicated. She would just be boyfriendless.
But then one night at youth group, about a month before the annual youth group trip to Corpus, a little game of keep away began, and for the first time in 6 months, she spoke to Troy.
Joining the bullet bandwagon
Because I haven't posted in a while, I have much to say, but nothing super important. So the bullet blog seems more than appropriate.
- I have a doctor's appt on Tuesday. On tuesday there will be 30 days until my due date. So verrrrrry excited!
- How is it that watermelon can make me so happy?
- I wrote a very pathetic, woe is me post on Thursday in which I complained about, well, everything. It was deleted. But not before La posted a very sweet comment. Thanks, La. It made me feel better.
- Friday, after my horrible Thursday, I arrived at school to find a gift bag hanging from my door with a big bag of starburst and and a big bag of skittles. The bag said "Mrs. Wilde" so I can only assume it was from a student. It was so very sweet.
- I think the contractions are becoming less frequent oddly enough. I am very curious to see if I have "progressed" any. If I have, I am going to have a long 4 weeks ahead of me because I already feel like every day could be "the day." Finding out that I am effaced or dilated will make me go crazy.
- I am so excited that my two dear friends, Sara and Jenni, from school (who I barely see anymore. Pooh.) are throwing me a school shower after the little guy arrives. I think that will be just perfect and so fun and will be a super good excuse to show off the little guy!
- I need a name for the little guy.
- Today, Mason said his "body was leaking" because he was sweating. It was pretty cute.
- Last night, much too late, Troy and I laughed until it hurt watching a very old Bill Cosby stand up act. His view on parenting was hilarious.
- I realized this past week that 6th graders know very little of September 11th. How can I acknowledge this day? I feel like it is important and knowing about it, knowing of the sacrifice and heroism of that day, is something every student should know. I'll think of something....
- Someone please come remove the food that is always present in my hand. I can't stop. Everything sounds good. I have had to utilize every ounce of self control in my body to keep from rushing to the store and buying the ingredients for A's brownies. I know I would eat half the batter before it made it to the pan. Oh, gosh. With a cup of milk...I can't stop myself...Just do it, Jenny. You're pregnant. You deserve it! You... you... you did laundry this weekend! That warrants brownies for sure!!!! Go. Buy. Eat. Be merry.
- I'm still here.
- I haven't wanted to blog about this because I am slightly embarrassed. I feel like it is frivolous but it was mainly Troy's doing. Well, it was his doing. I just get to enjoy the benefits. He bought a new tv. After months, literally, of research to determine the best tv at the best price, he took the plunge. We now have a large flat screen. He used his stash of money that he saves up instead of going to sonic all the time, and did it. I have to admit, it's pretty cool. The HD channels are amazing. I might even become an avid fan of football because it just looks so amazing. So, there you go. We have a new tv. I know. It's frivolous, but sometimes a little "frivle" is necessary. Plus, it was all his doing...
- If he can buy a new flat screen, I should be able to get brownies, right?
- Is it silly that I am excited about packing my bag for the hospital? I keep thinking of it like I am going to a hotel. Um, not quite. I've done this before so I don't know why I am so delusional.
- It has started to hit me lately that there is a very good chance that I may go into labor at school. That could be interesting. I mean, I don't think it's going to be, like, one minute I am fine and the next I am screaming in pain, but I can just see me as the day progresses going, "Um, yeah, that is starting to hurt. ...Um, maybe I should call someone...um, HOLY COW - YOU, student whose name I still don't know, go to the office now! Just say "Mrs. Wilde. Now." This could be very interesting...
- Troy just left so if I want the brownies I will have to take mason with me to the store. Probably not worth it...NO, IT IS!!!! I must go now.
- Still here.
- Is it weird that I am already super excited about Christmas? I mean, can't wait. This is going to be the year. We're going all out - decorations, baking days, craft days, beautifully wrapped presents. Christmas music till we can't stand it. I know I will have a newborn. I don't care. This is the year. The year amazing Christmas traditions begin. It's going to be so great.
- That post just made me realize that I am going to be trying to lose baby weight over the holidays. That's just flingin' flangin' fantastic.
- So, I am going to be fat anyway, what's a little batch of brownies gonna hurt...
- Is it possible for a baby's limb to actually bust through your tummy?
- I am bummed, so very bummed, that I am not going on the retreat. I had such a blast last year. But it's like two weeks before my due date. I will either be huge and uncomfortable, peeing more than is humanly possible, OR I will be huge and uncomfortable, with a newborn. It's just not good timing. And there's going to be all these great posts about it. Pooh on all of you, retreaters. JK.
- Will there be brownies at the retreat? I could just deliver the baby there. I mean all you moms will know what to do. and the brownies could be just as good as the epidural.
- Okay, so since starting this blog, I have had four contractions. Weird.
- I think I have rambled enough.
- Have a great week, ladies!
- Just had contraction five. Hmm...wouldn't it be crazy if this was the real deal? It's not. I know it, but wouldn't it be crazy...
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Keep Praying
My friend had her baby this morning. At 25 weeks. He weighed just over a pound and a half and was 12 inches long. I can't imagine. I have been praying for Ashley and her boy all day - the kind of prayer where you just put your head in your hands and say, "Please, God." It makes my heart ache. I don't even know Ashley that well, but I wish I could go to San Antonio and just hug her. I can't imagine giving birth to your baby and seeing him so tiny and not being able to hold him or kiss him or snuggle his precious head under your chin.
Please, God.
Please, God.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Prayer Request
I just found out some very sad news about one of the teachers on my team. She is 25 weeks pregnant and was airlifted to San Antonio this weekend because her water ruptured, but not completely. The doctors are hoping to keep the baby from delivery until 28 weeks but even then we all know the complications a three month premature baby may have. This lady has had a super hard time getting and staying pregnant, so I can only imagine how she must be feeling. I just ache for her and am suddenly so very thankful for all the aches and pains of pregnancy.
Please pray that she and her husband will feel God's peace and that God will work the miracles we all know he can for this little baby boy.
Thank you, friends.
Please pray that she and her husband will feel God's peace and that God will work the miracles we all know he can for this little baby boy.
Thank you, friends.
Monday, September 3, 2007
A Baby Dream
I have had several baby dreams over the last few months but they were all typical dreams - weird. Last night I had one that, while it still had some weird moments, was so very real.
This dream was different in that I was in labor which was indeed dreamlike and then I gave birth to the sweet baby. And I held him in my arms and nursed him and Troy and I just stared at him and friends and family gathered around and it was perfect. And he was four weeks early. I hope that's not a sign.
We still didn't have a name. Yeah, a little worrisome. Troy, Mason and I talk about this all the time but we just can't find one. Usually out of nowhere, someone will say something like, "What about Carter?"
The other two think for a moment and then go, "Nooo...I don't think that is it. I still like Grant...Nicholas Grant, Austin Grant....I don't know."
And then we all scroll through the name possibilities again only to end the conversation somewhere along the lines of, "Hmmm...I just don't know..." Sometimes we'll even go so far as to imagine using the names -
"Grant, get over here this instant!...These are our sons - Mason and Grant. These are our sons, Austin and mason...These are our sons Nick and Mason...Nicholas Grant Wilde.. Grant Austin Wilde.."
Eventually the conversation just ends with discouraged looks on our faces. I fear we may make the final decision when we see the little guy. I wish our doctor was fantastic and had a cool name so we could name him after him, but Lourell just isn't right. And all the boy names in my family are, well, not right either - richard, roger, Lewis, Swanson(yes, that is it), Cook(again, yes), etc.
Oh, well. We'll find something for this little wiggle worm.
****
So, I have spent almost my entire holiday weekend sitting at my computer typing up lesson plan after lesson plan for a sub I have yet to find and for the other two writing teachers who are under my "leadership." Bless their hearts. They are clueless. I am used to getting together with the writing teachers once a week, discussing something along the lines of a general topic we will focus on, sharing some lesson ideas and then we go back to our classroom and plan specific lessons that work for our teaching style and our specific students. Well, these poor ladies want me to tell them exactly what to do and then do it. And every time I rub my tummy, they look at me in terror. It's really quite overwhelming.
So, because I don't want to leave them high and dry and because I don't want to meet with them every day in 4th period which takes away my conference period, I have decided to just do it.
I have a supply list, objective, bellwork, lesson, and what grades to take for every day until THANKSGIVING. And the lessons aren't just "work on Sensory Poems." They are step by step, detailed instructions.I still have to type up a few weeks, but I know what the lessons will be for each one.
I feel better. They better feel better. And my sub better be able to do this.
One last thing...in my dream, Crys had triplets. That was one of the weird parts. :) And for some reason a Jerry Springer-esque show was being filmed in the next room.
This dream was different in that I was in labor which was indeed dreamlike and then I gave birth to the sweet baby. And I held him in my arms and nursed him and Troy and I just stared at him and friends and family gathered around and it was perfect. And he was four weeks early. I hope that's not a sign.
We still didn't have a name. Yeah, a little worrisome. Troy, Mason and I talk about this all the time but we just can't find one. Usually out of nowhere, someone will say something like, "What about Carter?"
The other two think for a moment and then go, "Nooo...I don't think that is it. I still like Grant...Nicholas Grant, Austin Grant....I don't know."
And then we all scroll through the name possibilities again only to end the conversation somewhere along the lines of, "Hmmm...I just don't know..." Sometimes we'll even go so far as to imagine using the names -
"Grant, get over here this instant!...These are our sons - Mason and Grant. These are our sons, Austin and mason...These are our sons Nick and Mason...Nicholas Grant Wilde.. Grant Austin Wilde.."
Eventually the conversation just ends with discouraged looks on our faces. I fear we may make the final decision when we see the little guy. I wish our doctor was fantastic and had a cool name so we could name him after him, but Lourell just isn't right. And all the boy names in my family are, well, not right either - richard, roger, Lewis, Swanson(yes, that is it), Cook(again, yes), etc.
Oh, well. We'll find something for this little wiggle worm.
****
So, I have spent almost my entire holiday weekend sitting at my computer typing up lesson plan after lesson plan for a sub I have yet to find and for the other two writing teachers who are under my "leadership." Bless their hearts. They are clueless. I am used to getting together with the writing teachers once a week, discussing something along the lines of a general topic we will focus on, sharing some lesson ideas and then we go back to our classroom and plan specific lessons that work for our teaching style and our specific students. Well, these poor ladies want me to tell them exactly what to do and then do it. And every time I rub my tummy, they look at me in terror. It's really quite overwhelming.
So, because I don't want to leave them high and dry and because I don't want to meet with them every day in 4th period which takes away my conference period, I have decided to just do it.
I have a supply list, objective, bellwork, lesson, and what grades to take for every day until THANKSGIVING. And the lessons aren't just "work on Sensory Poems." They are step by step, detailed instructions.I still have to type up a few weeks, but I know what the lessons will be for each one.
I feel better. They better feel better. And my sub better be able to do this.
One last thing...in my dream, Crys had triplets. That was one of the weird parts. :) And for some reason a Jerry Springer-esque show was being filmed in the next room.
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