there is no title perfect enough.

I considered titling this post:
the best way to create dust
OR
how to terrify your child
OR
Warning: Read fire extinguisher instructions PRIOR to creation of out-of-control fire
OR
what NOT to do with leftover pizza boxes
OR
the dangers behind using your oven and why you should it avoid its use.
OR simply
Thank you Jesus.

But i couldn't choose one, so you just go with what you think is best...

So, i was going to make Corn Dogs for dinner. You'd think that'd be harmless enough. But then, it is ME we're talking about here... I turn on the oven, dump 8 hill country fare corn dogs onto a cookie sheet and resume working on my computer. About five minutes later....
"Mom, i think maybe you're burning the corndogs..."Mason shouts from the living room.
"No," I begin. "The corndogs aren't even in the...." And then I realized i didn't check inside the oven before turning it on.

Pause story here to clarify key point: Leftover Pizza is stored in our oven. We are still alive and have not caught salmonella or whatever from bad pizza after MANY many years of this storage system. Judge if you must.

I hurry towards the kitchen and see smoke flowing slowly from the oven. Since our oven is from like 1962 and has no window, I knew not what was waiting for me on the other side of that door. I opened the oven. Big flames jumped out at me and smoke came billowing out in a force I have never witnessed.

I slammed the oven door shut and began to panic. I'd really like to say that I remained calm and level headed but that just didn't happen. I yelled for Mason to "stay back!" and"go get my cell phone!" and " get Grant!" all in one breath. Needless to say, seeing mom running around frantically barking out fragmented orders sent Mason into, well, truth-be-told, much calmer tears than his mother.

I truly didn't know what to do! The flames were worse the second time I opened the oven door despite my hope that lack of oxygen might have diminished it. Our oven is gas...what does that mean? Can it explode? My mind raced. The smoke was filling the house and my eyes were watering and burning and pretty soon breathing was painful. It was so scary! Yelling at Mason to keep Grant and him as far away as possible, which they already were, I grabbed the Fire Extinguisher from the laundry room.

I swung the oven door open and aimed the extinguisher. Smoke now billowed out as the pizza box continued to flame. I tried spraying and nothing would happen. I quickly glanced at the instructions, pulled the pin I then remembered existed and unleashed white powdery smoke every where. The flames subdued.

The fire now somewhat under control I ran the boys to the front porch and swallowed in some clean air. Then went back in to make sure the fire was out. It wasn't. Flames still danced and smoke still puffed out of the oven. I unleashed more of the fire extinguisher's fury and was standing there coughing when troy came in.

It is only in this precise moment while typing this that I wonder what he must have thought in this moment - seeing his wife aiming a fire extinguisher at a smoking pizza box. The house full of vision impairing smoke. And 8 still frozen corn dogs sitting on the counter, now coated in a thin smokey powder. The poor man...

Anyway, he quickly took over, kicked me outside and transferred the smoking pizza box to the fireplace. And then he came out for fresh air.

We conversed. It wasn't unpleasant, but...disappointed. Let's just say he was a wee bit disappointed about me forgetting the pizza box storage system. But very thankful we were all okay.

Troy and I went back in, opened up all the windows, turned on all the fans, and then left to go have dinner where someone else could turn on their oven.

When we returned, man. What a mess. Fire extinguishers do get the flames out, but man alive. There was dust everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Troy swept. He vacuumed. I swept. I swiffered. I wet swiffered. And I mopped. And again. My floor still looks mucky. Yes, that's a word. And i dusted and wiped down counters and walls a few times. And the smell will never leave. I fear we will always smell as though we have just returned from a three week camping trip.

So...pick your moral to the story:
Don't store leftover pizza in the oven. Especially not on the very very bottom rack.
Really know how to work a fire extinguisher.
Give up oven usage. (my personal favorite)
uh...don't panic.

Now, in hindsight, I realize that a flaming pizza box in actuality probably could not bring my house to the ground. It probably wouldn't have caused a gas explosion. And i might have over reacted just a bit, but, geez, fire and smoke is down right scary stuff. Especially when it's somewhere it's totally not supposed to be. Scary scary stuff...

On a plus side, Mason explained in great detail everything, every. little. itty. bitty. detail, of fire safety at our post-fire dinner. I think i'm better prepared for next time...and I know he is...