Anticipation

I suddenly absolutely cannot wait for this baby to get here. Every night as he wiggles like crazy I imagine what he will look like. Will he look just like Mason did? Or completely different? I picture myself holding him and nursing him and dressing him and I am filled with impatience.

9 more weeks. We're in the single digits(well, officially on Thursday but still) and I feel like it is an eternity. I am almost thankful that school is returning so that I will be busier and the time will go by more quickly.

For whatever reason, throughout this entire pregnancy I have not really focused on the baby. I found out I was pregnant right before the TAKS test, then life started getting crazy with Troy's work, then we started thinking we were moving, and then it was summer and I still didn't know what we were having and maybe because of all these things, I did not dwell on the full realization of what was growing inside of me. Also, this pregnancy has brought so many physical challenges. I have been sick more in the last 7 months than in the last 7 years. I could focus on the pregnancy but never really, really, thought about the baby.

I think part of this was fear. Fear of losing him, fear of all the changes coming, fear of coming up short as a mother of two. But now, with only nine weeks to go, I can't think of anything else. I dream of him. I go in the nursery a thousand times a day and open the drawers of his perfect dresser and finger through all the tiny blue clothes. I watch as he makes my stomach bulge and wiggle and jump and wonder what his personality will be. I giggle at all the things Mason says about the baby and can't wait to see him love on his little brother. Nine weeks suddenly feels like an eternity.

But even as I wish I could hold this baby in my arms today, I fear that I will be holding him too soon. If he comes before his due date, work and my time off will be different. I won't get 12 weeks because the holidays won't fall the right way. I am trying to trust God's perfect planning but doubt how it will all work out.

Every day I feel like I have more and more contractions. They still don't hurt. But they worry me. Now, suddenly, all these what ifs have formed in my head. What if I am put on bed rest and lose all my sick days before he even gets here? What if suddenly my water breaks at six weeks and I am not only giving birth as the school year begins, but am giving birth to a preemie? What if he is a preemie and needs extra care and I have to stay home with him for longer and we can't afford it? What if...

I put my trust in the Lord. I must.

So, until I hold this baby in my arms, whether it be 3 weeks from now or 10, I will relish his movements, dream of his perfections, and trust that everything will be just as God intends it to be.