I suddenly absolutely cannot wait for this baby to get here. Every night as he wiggles like crazy I imagine what he will look like. Will he look just like Mason did? Or completely different? I picture myself holding him and nursing him and dressing him and I am filled with impatience.
9 more weeks. We're in the single digits(well, officially on Thursday but still) and I feel like it is an eternity. I am almost thankful that school is returning so that I will be busier and the time will go by more quickly.
For whatever reason, throughout this entire pregnancy I have not really focused on the baby. I found out I was pregnant right before the TAKS test, then life started getting crazy with Troy's work, then we started thinking we were moving, and then it was summer and I still didn't know what we were having and maybe because of all these things, I did not dwell on the full realization of what was growing inside of me. Also, this pregnancy has brought so many physical challenges. I have been sick more in the last 7 months than in the last 7 years. I could focus on the pregnancy but never really, really, thought about the baby.
I think part of this was fear. Fear of losing him, fear of all the changes coming, fear of coming up short as a mother of two. But now, with only nine weeks to go, I can't think of anything else. I dream of him. I go in the nursery a thousand times a day and open the drawers of his perfect dresser and finger through all the tiny blue clothes. I watch as he makes my stomach bulge and wiggle and jump and wonder what his personality will be. I giggle at all the things Mason says about the baby and can't wait to see him love on his little brother. Nine weeks suddenly feels like an eternity.
But even as I wish I could hold this baby in my arms today, I fear that I will be holding him too soon. If he comes before his due date, work and my time off will be different. I won't get 12 weeks because the holidays won't fall the right way. I am trying to trust God's perfect planning but doubt how it will all work out.
Every day I feel like I have more and more contractions. They still don't hurt. But they worry me. Now, suddenly, all these what ifs have formed in my head. What if I am put on bed rest and lose all my sick days before he even gets here? What if suddenly my water breaks at six weeks and I am not only giving birth as the school year begins, but am giving birth to a preemie? What if he is a preemie and needs extra care and I have to stay home with him for longer and we can't afford it? What if...
I put my trust in the Lord. I must.
So, until I hold this baby in my arms, whether it be 3 weeks from now or 10, I will relish his movements, dream of his perfections, and trust that everything will be just as God intends it to be.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Sunday, August 5, 2007
When we get back
Jenny was right. She and Troy were never alone again on the beach, or anywhere for that matter. Before she knew it, condos were cleared out, bags were loaded, and the youth group caravan was returning to home. Since their moment on the beach, Jenny and Troy had hardly even been together. She was, needless to say, beyond disappointed when the cars pulled into the church parking lot as the trip came to a definite end.
They returned on a Friday. Jenny spent that day and the next filling the pages of her diary with all the details of the fantastic trip as she listened to her Celine Dion CD on repeat. For years, every song on that album could return her instantly to the shores of Padre. She relived every moment. Doing what most teenage girls do with any encounter with the opposite sex, she analyzed and disected every moment, looking for proof of his adoration of her. She found many. As she was pouring out her heart and soul, she wished the phone would ring and it would be him. They had never spoken on the phone, so she knew this was highly unlikely but still, every time the phone would ring, her heart would stop for a moment hoping it was him. It never was.
Sunday, at long last, arrived. Jenny spent extra time getting ready, trying to look her absolute best for Troy. She also packed her bags for a slumber party that Penny was throwing in honor of her 14th birthday. She was thrilled about the slumber party because she had so much to share with her friends and she was pretty certain they were going to a special youth group gathering at Joe's that evening. Troy would be there. Maybe they would finish the conversation they had started on the beach.
Church was a bitter disappointment because Troy was not there. Jenny feared that he would not be at youth group either which would be all the more devastating because that would mean that she would not see him again for a week, at least. That would be terrible. Jenny felt certain that whatever was happening between them, as small as it was, would fade away into casual flirting unless something real were to happen between them very soon. He just had to be there. He just had to.
Finally, church ended, lunch followed and the slumber party began. It was at Penny's house of course and she had the best house for slumber parties. Her parents, while her dad was the pastor of their church, were super cool and laid back. Her older brother Jonathan was cool too and teased the girls just enough to be funny not obnoxious. And her house, like all her friends houses, felt like a second home. All her friends, as long as she had known them, had lived in the same house so each one really did feel like a home to her.
The slumber party was moving at a turtles pace all afternoon. It was painful. The girls were having a blast but all Jenny could think about was seeing Troy. It felt as though 6 pm would never arrive. Finally, finally, after what seemed like an eternity of girl talk and playing sardines, all five girls loaded into van and Jonathan was driving them to Joe's.
Jenny was beyond nervous in the car. Her hands were even shaking which made her feel absolutely ridiculous. She couldn't eat a thing at Penny's because her stomach was so tied in knots. As they approached Joe's house, Jenny felt just short of faint. She had built this moment up so much in her mind that there was no calming her down. She knew this was stupid, but could do nothing to help herself. All the girls bounded into the house and Jenny quickly scanned the room. No Troy. Nowhere. He was not there. The disappointment was consuming, but was somewhat shortlived. She and the others quickly formed a game of spoons and, before she knew it, all thoughts of Troy vanished as she focused wholeheartedly on trying to get a spoon before the others. She was deep in the game when, suddenly, the door opened and in came Troy and his friend Matt. At that exact moment, someone grabbed a spoon. Jenny was so caught off guard by Troy's sudden appearance, that she not only didn't get a spoon but didnt' even try. This resulted in merciless teasing, loud teasing, that made Jenny and Troy blush because they both knew what everyone was thinking. It was, to Jenny, horrifying. But Troy was there.
The rest of the evening was rather uneventful. The most sustained interaction between Jenny and Troy was the tossing of a spoon back and forth at each other. And, they sat beside each other on the couch for about two seconds. But that was it.
Much to Jenny's disappointment, the slumber party crowd left long before the party was over. When they arrived back at Penny's, they put on their PJ's, popped in a movie and stuffed their faces with Starburst and popcorn. Then the phone rang.
Jenny knew the moment the phone rang who it was. She didn't know how she knew, but she did. Her heart stopped as her stomach dropped to her feet. It was like all the girls knew because all began giggling and raced to Jonathan's door to listen.
"You want to talk to Jenny? Okay....." Jonathan's conversation became mumbled as all the girls let out a collective scream and Jenny became shaky.
Jonathan opened the door a few moments later and laughed at all the girls huddled outside his door.
"Um, Jenny, it's for you." He said with a grin.
Jenny was almost unable to take the phone. She was shaking and her friends were all giggling and screaming around her. She took the phone and went into Jonathan's room. By some miracle, all her friends stayed outside and she sat down on a weight bench. She took as deep a breath as she could, lifted the phone to her ear, and said, "Hello."
"Hi, Jenny, it's Cristy! Are you okay? Are you ready for this?" Cristy asked with a million voices rambling in the background.
Surprised at hearing Cristy's voice and not Troy's, Jenny didn't really know what to say.
"Um, yeah, I think..." she managed to stutter.
"Okay, here's Troy!" Cristy said.
Jenny heard whispers and the shuffling of the phone being passed. Her heart pounded in her ears as she waited for his voice.
"Hi. Jenny?" Troy started.
"Yes?" Jenny managed to squeak out.
"Um, hi, well, I was calling, well they wanted me to call because, well, I mean I wanted to call you but...anyway, I had a great time with you in Corpus..."
When he paused, Jenny didn't know if she should interrupt him or let him finish. Finally, she said, "Me too. I mean, I had a great time with you."
"Good," Troy sounded a bit relieved, "well, I just really had a good time and I...I... really like you. I like you and hanging out with you and I just really had a good time in Corpus..."
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" Jenny felt like she was watching herself in a movie.
"And I was wondering...I really like you and I was wondering if you would go with me?"
"Yes! Yes, of course. I would love to. Really." Jenny rushed, barely breathing.
She heard Troy take a deep breath and could tell he was smiling.
"Great. Okay, well...thanks. I guess I will call you...tomorrow?"
"Okay, yeah, that's great." Jenny had no clue what to say next.
"Um, well, Jeremy wants to talk to Jamie."
"Oh, okay. Well, bye." Jenny said unsure of how to end such a monumental conversation.
"Yeah, talk to ya tomorrow. Bye." Troy replied.
Then, Jenny, more floating than walking, opened the door of Jonathan's room and handed the phone to Jamie. She was flooded with questions and giggles as Jamie ran into Jonathan's room.
Jenny could not tell you anything that happened for the rest of the slumber party. There was a movie and some food and she managed to tell all her friends the details of her life changing conversation, but the only detail she could recall from July 30th, 1995 was the fact that Troy, a boy, the boy she adored, had asked her to be his girlfriend. It was the best thing that could have ever happened in her 13 year old world.
What Jenny didn't know is the impact that five minute conversation would have on the rest of her life. No one could have known. That young, fumbling conversation sparked a relationship that would forever change their world, their future, them. The relationship would change and grow and fade but it would define them both, shaping them into the people they would one day become, both alone and together. Troy's simple question and Jenny's simple answer was the beginning of their story.
They returned on a Friday. Jenny spent that day and the next filling the pages of her diary with all the details of the fantastic trip as she listened to her Celine Dion CD on repeat. For years, every song on that album could return her instantly to the shores of Padre. She relived every moment. Doing what most teenage girls do with any encounter with the opposite sex, she analyzed and disected every moment, looking for proof of his adoration of her. She found many. As she was pouring out her heart and soul, she wished the phone would ring and it would be him. They had never spoken on the phone, so she knew this was highly unlikely but still, every time the phone would ring, her heart would stop for a moment hoping it was him. It never was.
Sunday, at long last, arrived. Jenny spent extra time getting ready, trying to look her absolute best for Troy. She also packed her bags for a slumber party that Penny was throwing in honor of her 14th birthday. She was thrilled about the slumber party because she had so much to share with her friends and she was pretty certain they were going to a special youth group gathering at Joe's that evening. Troy would be there. Maybe they would finish the conversation they had started on the beach.
Church was a bitter disappointment because Troy was not there. Jenny feared that he would not be at youth group either which would be all the more devastating because that would mean that she would not see him again for a week, at least. That would be terrible. Jenny felt certain that whatever was happening between them, as small as it was, would fade away into casual flirting unless something real were to happen between them very soon. He just had to be there. He just had to.
Finally, church ended, lunch followed and the slumber party began. It was at Penny's house of course and she had the best house for slumber parties. Her parents, while her dad was the pastor of their church, were super cool and laid back. Her older brother Jonathan was cool too and teased the girls just enough to be funny not obnoxious. And her house, like all her friends houses, felt like a second home. All her friends, as long as she had known them, had lived in the same house so each one really did feel like a home to her.
The slumber party was moving at a turtles pace all afternoon. It was painful. The girls were having a blast but all Jenny could think about was seeing Troy. It felt as though 6 pm would never arrive. Finally, finally, after what seemed like an eternity of girl talk and playing sardines, all five girls loaded into van and Jonathan was driving them to Joe's.
Jenny was beyond nervous in the car. Her hands were even shaking which made her feel absolutely ridiculous. She couldn't eat a thing at Penny's because her stomach was so tied in knots. As they approached Joe's house, Jenny felt just short of faint. She had built this moment up so much in her mind that there was no calming her down. She knew this was stupid, but could do nothing to help herself. All the girls bounded into the house and Jenny quickly scanned the room. No Troy. Nowhere. He was not there. The disappointment was consuming, but was somewhat shortlived. She and the others quickly formed a game of spoons and, before she knew it, all thoughts of Troy vanished as she focused wholeheartedly on trying to get a spoon before the others. She was deep in the game when, suddenly, the door opened and in came Troy and his friend Matt. At that exact moment, someone grabbed a spoon. Jenny was so caught off guard by Troy's sudden appearance, that she not only didn't get a spoon but didnt' even try. This resulted in merciless teasing, loud teasing, that made Jenny and Troy blush because they both knew what everyone was thinking. It was, to Jenny, horrifying. But Troy was there.
The rest of the evening was rather uneventful. The most sustained interaction between Jenny and Troy was the tossing of a spoon back and forth at each other. And, they sat beside each other on the couch for about two seconds. But that was it.
Much to Jenny's disappointment, the slumber party crowd left long before the party was over. When they arrived back at Penny's, they put on their PJ's, popped in a movie and stuffed their faces with Starburst and popcorn. Then the phone rang.
Jenny knew the moment the phone rang who it was. She didn't know how she knew, but she did. Her heart stopped as her stomach dropped to her feet. It was like all the girls knew because all began giggling and raced to Jonathan's door to listen.
"You want to talk to Jenny? Okay....." Jonathan's conversation became mumbled as all the girls let out a collective scream and Jenny became shaky.
Jonathan opened the door a few moments later and laughed at all the girls huddled outside his door.
"Um, Jenny, it's for you." He said with a grin.
Jenny was almost unable to take the phone. She was shaking and her friends were all giggling and screaming around her. She took the phone and went into Jonathan's room. By some miracle, all her friends stayed outside and she sat down on a weight bench. She took as deep a breath as she could, lifted the phone to her ear, and said, "Hello."
"Hi, Jenny, it's Cristy! Are you okay? Are you ready for this?" Cristy asked with a million voices rambling in the background.
Surprised at hearing Cristy's voice and not Troy's, Jenny didn't really know what to say.
"Um, yeah, I think..." she managed to stutter.
"Okay, here's Troy!" Cristy said.
Jenny heard whispers and the shuffling of the phone being passed. Her heart pounded in her ears as she waited for his voice.
"Hi. Jenny?" Troy started.
"Yes?" Jenny managed to squeak out.
"Um, hi, well, I was calling, well they wanted me to call because, well, I mean I wanted to call you but...anyway, I had a great time with you in Corpus..."
When he paused, Jenny didn't know if she should interrupt him or let him finish. Finally, she said, "Me too. I mean, I had a great time with you."
"Good," Troy sounded a bit relieved, "well, I just really had a good time and I...I... really like you. I like you and hanging out with you and I just really had a good time in Corpus..."
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" Jenny felt like she was watching herself in a movie.
"And I was wondering...I really like you and I was wondering if you would go with me?"
"Yes! Yes, of course. I would love to. Really." Jenny rushed, barely breathing.
She heard Troy take a deep breath and could tell he was smiling.
"Great. Okay, well...thanks. I guess I will call you...tomorrow?"
"Okay, yeah, that's great." Jenny had no clue what to say next.
"Um, well, Jeremy wants to talk to Jamie."
"Oh, okay. Well, bye." Jenny said unsure of how to end such a monumental conversation.
"Yeah, talk to ya tomorrow. Bye." Troy replied.
Then, Jenny, more floating than walking, opened the door of Jonathan's room and handed the phone to Jamie. She was flooded with questions and giggles as Jamie ran into Jonathan's room.
Jenny could not tell you anything that happened for the rest of the slumber party. There was a movie and some food and she managed to tell all her friends the details of her life changing conversation, but the only detail she could recall from July 30th, 1995 was the fact that Troy, a boy, the boy she adored, had asked her to be his girlfriend. It was the best thing that could have ever happened in her 13 year old world.
What Jenny didn't know is the impact that five minute conversation would have on the rest of her life. No one could have known. That young, fumbling conversation sparked a relationship that would forever change their world, their future, them. The relationship would change and grow and fade but it would define them both, shaping them into the people they would one day become, both alone and together. Troy's simple question and Jenny's simple answer was the beginning of their story.
One more thing...
I think Mason is going to make a fantastic big brother.
Yesterday, when we were putting all the baby things away, Mason said at random points these things.
"Oh! Look at these cute tiny socks!" (in a very high pitched cutesy voice.)
"And when the baby comes I can help with bath time."
"And babies have to cry when they want something because they can't talk. And that's okay."
"Oh, look at how cute and small this hat is!" Again in a very high pitched cutesy voice.)
"Yep, babies have to burp after they eat and that will be what daddy and I do with the baby."
Among, these things that he said, I have noticed some skills he has picked up recently that will definitely make my life easier.
He can open his own pop tarts.
He can pour his own drink.
He knows how to switch the laundry and loves to.
He puts away the silverware.
He can fold wash cloths.
He understands that when the baby is born he won't be able to sleep with us anymore...we'll see how that one goes. Yeah, right.
He brushes his own teeth. (Yes, toothpaste is everywhere but still)
He can clip his own fingernails.
Now, some of these things are still in need of a little work but still his desire to be independent and to be my helper is astounding. He will very likely make things much easier.
I have one, well several, but I will only divulge one concern here. He still demands that we read two books every night before bedtime. He would be traumatized if this routine was altered. Let's just hope this baby likes books from day one.
Now, having said all of this, I completely realize that I am in for it. Because Mason is able and has been able to do all of these things for a while, I have completely forgotten what it is like to have an infant. I am in for a shock. The other day, while registering for a quite fashionable diaper bag, remembered what the diaper bag meant. It's not just that you have to take it with you everywhere, its that you use everything in it - burp cloths, diapers, wipes, medicine, diaper rash ointment, and possibly bottles this time around, blankets, extra changes of clothes...
Yeah, I'm in for it. But I absolutely cannot wait!
Yesterday, when we were putting all the baby things away, Mason said at random points these things.
"Oh! Look at these cute tiny socks!" (in a very high pitched cutesy voice.)
"And when the baby comes I can help with bath time."
"And babies have to cry when they want something because they can't talk. And that's okay."
"Oh, look at how cute and small this hat is!" Again in a very high pitched cutesy voice.)
"Yep, babies have to burp after they eat and that will be what daddy and I do with the baby."
Among, these things that he said, I have noticed some skills he has picked up recently that will definitely make my life easier.
He can open his own pop tarts.
He can pour his own drink.
He knows how to switch the laundry and loves to.
He puts away the silverware.
He can fold wash cloths.
He understands that when the baby is born he won't be able to sleep with us anymore...we'll see how that one goes. Yeah, right.
He brushes his own teeth. (Yes, toothpaste is everywhere but still)
He can clip his own fingernails.
Now, some of these things are still in need of a little work but still his desire to be independent and to be my helper is astounding. He will very likely make things much easier.
I have one, well several, but I will only divulge one concern here. He still demands that we read two books every night before bedtime. He would be traumatized if this routine was altered. Let's just hope this baby likes books from day one.
Now, having said all of this, I completely realize that I am in for it. Because Mason is able and has been able to do all of these things for a while, I have completely forgotten what it is like to have an infant. I am in for a shock. The other day, while registering for a quite fashionable diaper bag, remembered what the diaper bag meant. It's not just that you have to take it with you everywhere, its that you use everything in it - burp cloths, diapers, wipes, medicine, diaper rash ointment, and possibly bottles this time around, blankets, extra changes of clothes...
Yeah, I'm in for it. But I absolutely cannot wait!
So many unimportant things to say...
First and foremost, you are all giving me far too much credit for this story I am telling. I do not actually remember every single detail that I have dished out. I remember some but not all. My diary, that I kept faithfully from age 13-17, has helped. And just like any writer, I have "novelized" the story somewhat. It all happened. But like I actually remember that I was five seats down on the row in the theater or which state the license plates were from. I am loving retelling this story. I have always known that I liked writing but this is the first time I have ever really done something like this. It is addictingly fun. Also, I promise, if we ever get out of Corpus the story will pick up consdirably. It has to.
The nursery: I am loving it! It has been painted a green that I love some days and others stare at and ask myself, "Did someone puke peas on the wall?" I must say that now that more furniture has been added, I am loving it more and questioning it less. I found a dresser - dear sweet Angela sold me her daughter's dresser at an unbeatable price. I painted it white, slapped some new knobs on it and I am in love. I washed all the baby clothes I have so far and have already folded them neatly and put them in the drawers. I also found perfect totes for the changing table - red and big. They already have things in them too. I have yet to find a rocking chair but am not too worried about it. We have an old recliner that I can use until the perfect one finds me. It matches somewhat and is unbelievably comfortable...and it's free. I will try to post pics sometime soon.
For those of you who have called me in recent days and have not received a phone call in return, I am sorry. I have no cell phone so I have no long distance calling capabilities. Or I don't have your number because it is in my phone. I think Troy and I are fixing this problem today. We have to. I need a phone. (Remember, the world before cell phones?)
At my last doctor's appointment the scale claimed that I have gained 16 pounds in 30 weeks. I can't believe it but I am. I finally feel like I am looking like what a normal pregnant person should look like at 30 weeks and since I have been put on a very high dosage of Iron due to being "fairly severely anemic" I am feeling much better energy wise. The baby's head is still very low but nothing has changed otherwise. However, my doctor did cause me to panic slightly when he said this as he was leaving my appt on Thursday:
"When does school start?"
"Teachers go back on the 17th."
"Okay, schedule your next appt for before that date and we will talk about school then."
Um, okay. What does that mean? I am trying not to panic. Maybe he just wants to write my principal a note that says, "Please allow Jenny to teach from her desk. Thank you." I am sure that is what it is. Not.
So, Mason went to school three days last week. I did this because Monday he is moving up to the next class and he doesn't handle change well so I wanted him to have some days in his old class before the switch. Also, I am trying desperately to make my classroom look like one which is all but impossible when I can't lift anything heavy. Shh. Don't tell anyone that I dragged some heavy things. And I need all the time I can get to plan. For someone, who literally is thrilled if she plans a week in advance, planning 12 weeks in advance for students I don't even know, is making me stress. Anyway, as you all read, dropping him off Monday was sad but we're adjusting. In fact, Mason cried, CRIED, when I picked him up on Thursday because I picked him up as they were lining up for the playground. He was livid and heartbroken. I think we'll be fine.
Um, I guess that is it. I don't have much of anything else to say. I promise that the next installment is being composed in my mind as I drift off to sleep. It's coming soon. Maybe, maybe later today because Troy has promised Mason they'll go fishing. We'll see.
The nursery: I am loving it! It has been painted a green that I love some days and others stare at and ask myself, "Did someone puke peas on the wall?" I must say that now that more furniture has been added, I am loving it more and questioning it less. I found a dresser - dear sweet Angela sold me her daughter's dresser at an unbeatable price. I painted it white, slapped some new knobs on it and I am in love. I washed all the baby clothes I have so far and have already folded them neatly and put them in the drawers. I also found perfect totes for the changing table - red and big. They already have things in them too. I have yet to find a rocking chair but am not too worried about it. We have an old recliner that I can use until the perfect one finds me. It matches somewhat and is unbelievably comfortable...and it's free. I will try to post pics sometime soon.
For those of you who have called me in recent days and have not received a phone call in return, I am sorry. I have no cell phone so I have no long distance calling capabilities. Or I don't have your number because it is in my phone. I think Troy and I are fixing this problem today. We have to. I need a phone. (Remember, the world before cell phones?)
At my last doctor's appointment the scale claimed that I have gained 16 pounds in 30 weeks. I can't believe it but I am. I finally feel like I am looking like what a normal pregnant person should look like at 30 weeks and since I have been put on a very high dosage of Iron due to being "fairly severely anemic" I am feeling much better energy wise. The baby's head is still very low but nothing has changed otherwise. However, my doctor did cause me to panic slightly when he said this as he was leaving my appt on Thursday:
"When does school start?"
"Teachers go back on the 17th."
"Okay, schedule your next appt for before that date and we will talk about school then."
Um, okay. What does that mean? I am trying not to panic. Maybe he just wants to write my principal a note that says, "Please allow Jenny to teach from her desk. Thank you." I am sure that is what it is. Not.
So, Mason went to school three days last week. I did this because Monday he is moving up to the next class and he doesn't handle change well so I wanted him to have some days in his old class before the switch. Also, I am trying desperately to make my classroom look like one which is all but impossible when I can't lift anything heavy. Shh. Don't tell anyone that I dragged some heavy things. And I need all the time I can get to plan. For someone, who literally is thrilled if she plans a week in advance, planning 12 weeks in advance for students I don't even know, is making me stress. Anyway, as you all read, dropping him off Monday was sad but we're adjusting. In fact, Mason cried, CRIED, when I picked him up on Thursday because I picked him up as they were lining up for the playground. He was livid and heartbroken. I think we'll be fine.
Um, I guess that is it. I don't have much of anything else to say. I promise that the next installment is being composed in my mind as I drift off to sleep. It's coming soon. Maybe, maybe later today because Troy has promised Mason they'll go fishing. We'll see.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Sea Treasure
Jenny wasn't quite sure how it happened. She couldn't believe it had happened. And she knew, that it would never happen again. In the midst of 25 other friends, Jenny and Troy were alone. Somehow, a walk along the beach with friends had turned into the two of them alone as each of the other travelers peeled off from the group running and splashing in the distance ahead.
The remaining glow from the setting sun had painted the sky with a dull purplish river and the roar of the waves had become a serene whisper creating a peaceful tranquility only found on the beach as sunset meets twilight. Cool waves splashing at their bare feet, Jenny and Troy strolled slowly side by side down the beach.
Jenny, for once, was comfortable with their frequent moments of silence. She did not feel the usual panic to grope her mind for something clever or cute to say. Instead, they just walked, eyes on the ground reaching for an occasional shell that had washed ashore. They would show each other their treasures before deciding to keep them or toss them. It was a moment of perfection for Jenny. It was the first time Jenny really looked at Troy. Every other time they had been together, there was always some distraction - a game, friends, Jenny trying to perfect her flirting. Now, it was just them, alone. She glanced at him, trying to remember every detail of this moment so that she could pour it out into her diary later. His hair was blond and wavy, ever more attractive when it was wet and messy. His smile was always so casual and easy, like he should have one hand in a pocket and tux jacket thrown over his shoulder. The way he would smile at her, made her feel perfect. Not better, not different, but perfect in her own imperfections. Jenny soaked in every detail trying to remember them all, but knowing perhaps the only one that would stay forever were his eyes. His eyes were a blue like nothing Jenny had ever seen, like the blue of the ocean you can see straight to the bottom of. And when he would laugh at her, truly laugh at her because of something she said or did, they would squint up and dance. Jenny knew she could spend the rest of her life trying to make his eyes look just like that.
As Jenny looked at him, careful not to appear as though she was looking at him, he gradually slowed down, turning to face the beach. She stopped beside him and they both stood there looking out at the endless ocean while their feet became buried in the wet sand with each incoming wave. They joked casually about being buried from head to toe and how long that could take. Then they began discussing how great the trip had been.
"I can't believe we leave tomorrow." Jenny said.
"I know. What a quick four days..." Troy trailed off.
"It's been so fun and, well, I am so glad that you have just accepted that I am better at Shuffleboard than you." Jenny joked.
He smiled. "Whatever. Better at shuffleboard. Yeah."
There was a pause as Troy bent down to pick up a shell that had washed up to his feet. It was a small gray scallop. He looked at it for a second and then held out the shell in his hand for Jenny.
"Here, something to remember the trip by. You can put it with all those other things you keep saving."
"Thanks." Jenny said quietly as she took the shell from his fingertips, her hand grazing his. "I will. I have this whole collection of things...for a scrapbook maybe...and plus, I just like collecting things...."Jenny rushed on, for the first time feeling slightly nervous about things. She was trying to set her feet free when Troy interrupted her rambling.
"Um, I've really had a great time here...I mean, with you...."
Jenny looked up at him only to see him looking at the ground.
"And...well, it's just been fun, you know? Hanging out..."
He looked at her. Jenny's heart was beating. He was trying to say he liked her. Right here on this beach. When he paused, Jenny cut in. "I know! It has been fun and...I can't believe tomorrow it is over...I mean, the trip, not...well, the fun..."
"What was that! Seriously, say something to make him say more." Jenny thought to herself.
"I have had fun with you too..." She rushed.
"Say something else! Say something else!" Her mind panicked.
"and thanks for the shell."
"Thanks for the shell! Oh, please, Jenny, just stop talking." She hated herself in that moment.
Finally, Troy smiled. Jenny breathed.
"Um, I was wondering something...I mean, I don't know if...well, it's been fun and you are...well, I was wondering if maybe when we get back-"
"Hey, Jenny!" Aaron, her brother's friend, shouted running at them. He grabbed Jenny by the waist and spun her around before plopping her down a few feet from Troy. A loud group was right behind Aaron, and before she knew it, Troy was being recruited for a game of Capture the Flag and her friends were begging her to go to the pool. They looked at each other for a brief moment and then went their separate ways. But Jenny could swear she saw a look of disappointment and regret on his face as he walked away.
Jenny looked down at the shell in her hand. He liked her. He did. There was no doubt. He was about to say so but couldn't. As she was dragged to the pool with her friends, she replayed every word he said. When we get back... what did that mean? Hanging out more, would things change, a date...? She would just have to find out, but she feared that would not happen until much later. That moment on the beach was too perfect. Who knows when, if ever, they would be alone again. Stupid Aaron. Ruining everything.
When we get back...
The remaining glow from the setting sun had painted the sky with a dull purplish river and the roar of the waves had become a serene whisper creating a peaceful tranquility only found on the beach as sunset meets twilight. Cool waves splashing at their bare feet, Jenny and Troy strolled slowly side by side down the beach.
Jenny, for once, was comfortable with their frequent moments of silence. She did not feel the usual panic to grope her mind for something clever or cute to say. Instead, they just walked, eyes on the ground reaching for an occasional shell that had washed ashore. They would show each other their treasures before deciding to keep them or toss them. It was a moment of perfection for Jenny. It was the first time Jenny really looked at Troy. Every other time they had been together, there was always some distraction - a game, friends, Jenny trying to perfect her flirting. Now, it was just them, alone. She glanced at him, trying to remember every detail of this moment so that she could pour it out into her diary later. His hair was blond and wavy, ever more attractive when it was wet and messy. His smile was always so casual and easy, like he should have one hand in a pocket and tux jacket thrown over his shoulder. The way he would smile at her, made her feel perfect. Not better, not different, but perfect in her own imperfections. Jenny soaked in every detail trying to remember them all, but knowing perhaps the only one that would stay forever were his eyes. His eyes were a blue like nothing Jenny had ever seen, like the blue of the ocean you can see straight to the bottom of. And when he would laugh at her, truly laugh at her because of something she said or did, they would squint up and dance. Jenny knew she could spend the rest of her life trying to make his eyes look just like that.
As Jenny looked at him, careful not to appear as though she was looking at him, he gradually slowed down, turning to face the beach. She stopped beside him and they both stood there looking out at the endless ocean while their feet became buried in the wet sand with each incoming wave. They joked casually about being buried from head to toe and how long that could take. Then they began discussing how great the trip had been.
"I can't believe we leave tomorrow." Jenny said.
"I know. What a quick four days..." Troy trailed off.
"It's been so fun and, well, I am so glad that you have just accepted that I am better at Shuffleboard than you." Jenny joked.
He smiled. "Whatever. Better at shuffleboard. Yeah."
There was a pause as Troy bent down to pick up a shell that had washed up to his feet. It was a small gray scallop. He looked at it for a second and then held out the shell in his hand for Jenny.
"Here, something to remember the trip by. You can put it with all those other things you keep saving."
"Thanks." Jenny said quietly as she took the shell from his fingertips, her hand grazing his. "I will. I have this whole collection of things...for a scrapbook maybe...and plus, I just like collecting things...."Jenny rushed on, for the first time feeling slightly nervous about things. She was trying to set her feet free when Troy interrupted her rambling.
"Um, I've really had a great time here...I mean, with you...."
Jenny looked up at him only to see him looking at the ground.
"And...well, it's just been fun, you know? Hanging out..."
He looked at her. Jenny's heart was beating. He was trying to say he liked her. Right here on this beach. When he paused, Jenny cut in. "I know! It has been fun and...I can't believe tomorrow it is over...I mean, the trip, not...well, the fun..."
"What was that! Seriously, say something to make him say more." Jenny thought to herself.
"I have had fun with you too..." She rushed.
"Say something else! Say something else!" Her mind panicked.
"and thanks for the shell."
"Thanks for the shell! Oh, please, Jenny, just stop talking." She hated herself in that moment.
Finally, Troy smiled. Jenny breathed.
"Um, I was wondering something...I mean, I don't know if...well, it's been fun and you are...well, I was wondering if maybe when we get back-"
"Hey, Jenny!" Aaron, her brother's friend, shouted running at them. He grabbed Jenny by the waist and spun her around before plopping her down a few feet from Troy. A loud group was right behind Aaron, and before she knew it, Troy was being recruited for a game of Capture the Flag and her friends were begging her to go to the pool. They looked at each other for a brief moment and then went their separate ways. But Jenny could swear she saw a look of disappointment and regret on his face as he walked away.
Jenny looked down at the shell in her hand. He liked her. He did. There was no doubt. He was about to say so but couldn't. As she was dragged to the pool with her friends, she replayed every word he said. When we get back... what did that mean? Hanging out more, would things change, a date...? She would just have to find out, but she feared that would not happen until much later. That moment on the beach was too perfect. Who knows when, if ever, they would be alone again. Stupid Aaron. Ruining everything.
When we get back...
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Why.
Today was Mason's first day back at school.
Why is it so hard to drop him off?
His teachers went on and on about missing him and being so glad to see him.
His friends all rushed to him with smiles of joy at seeing him.
I know he is in a good place.
Then, why, when I reach down and hug him goodbye and kiss his soft little cheek is it so heartwrenching to leave him behind?
Why do I watch him for a few minutes after the door shuts wishing I could go back in and wrap him in a big bear hug and hear him say, "bye momma" one more time?
And why does this act of leaving him there make me feel like I am the worst mother in the world?
It will get easier.
He loves his school.
This is what I have to do.
But, why does it make me cry like this?
Give me strength, God.
Ease the guilt.
Make his day great so that tomorrow will be easier.
Why is it so hard to drop him off?
His teachers went on and on about missing him and being so glad to see him.
His friends all rushed to him with smiles of joy at seeing him.
I know he is in a good place.
Then, why, when I reach down and hug him goodbye and kiss his soft little cheek is it so heartwrenching to leave him behind?
Why do I watch him for a few minutes after the door shuts wishing I could go back in and wrap him in a big bear hug and hear him say, "bye momma" one more time?
And why does this act of leaving him there make me feel like I am the worst mother in the world?
It will get easier.
He loves his school.
This is what I have to do.
But, why does it make me cry like this?
Give me strength, God.
Ease the guilt.
Make his day great so that tomorrow will be easier.
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