Staying at home

I want to stay at home. I know the world knows this but I don't know if they get it. I want to stay at home - not so that I can be PTO sponsor, not so I can take my son to the park every day, not so I can be a "better" mom than a working mom, but so I can fulfill this lifelong dream of mine. I have always, always, wanted to just be a mom and wife. To wake up in the morning and know that my family will come first. There are millions of moms out there who are fantastic at working and being a wife and mom. I am not one of them. I can't do both. I am not happy doing both. Let's move to an apartment, let's sell a car, let's move to the cheapest city in America, I don't care. I just want to be a mom. Like my mom was, like my mom's mom was.

Last night after working for nine hours, I picked up my bridesmaid dress and shoes, ran home to grab the veggie tray I made for mops, rushed to mops to be there, saw my son and husband for about five minutes when he dropped him off at the church for me, went to mops, came home to drop off mason and to pick up some vases to take to Kylah's house, took the vases to her, checked the opening times of two nail salons praying one was open at 8am on saturday, went to HEB to order Mason's birthday cake, finally got home, did the dishes and started picking up the house. As I was picking up the house, I picked up two white photocopied coloring sheets of Mickey Mouse. Mason had started coloring them but I took one glance at them and crumpled them up this "clutter" to throw in the trash. He saw me do this. I kept going until I heard him say, "b-b-but, those are..." and then big alligator tears of hurt began to flow from his eyes. Those were special pictures for mommy and daddy. Not clutter. But I was too busy to ask. Too busy to care. I uncrumpled the pictures and gave them to him and apologized again and again. But it still happened. I crumpled his masterpiece because I was too busy to even look at it.

I don't want to be that busy. I know that stay at home moms are busy too. Probably busier, but maybe their busy matters.

I crumpled my son's masterpiece so I could check off something on my to do list. What's wrong with me?