Moving Forward

Remember this?



It had been 6 months. 6 months with another boy when, without really a conversation, the relationship, a very serious one at that, dissolved with a small understanding shrug and a nod.

Jenny walked him to his beat up pick-up truck and, as they stood in the chilly November breeze, they kissed for the last time. He smiled, she nodded and it was over.

She couldn't ever really pinpoint when or how the relationship with Parker fell apart. It began with such pursuit on his part. After a heart wrenching relationship that ended in a kind of pain only one who has given too much of oneself away can understand, Jenny fell hard and fast for Parker's unashamed and flamboyant adoration. It began suddenly and from day one was a topsy-turvy type of affair. As quickly as he would adore her every move, he could turn on her for looking at the wrong person or wearing the wrong thing. It was, perhaps, this very drama that kept them together. That constant rise and fall of emotions tied them together. She fought to change him. He fought to stay unchanged.

The turning point was his injury during their junior year of highschool. In one play on the MFHS football field, his sports career was over before it began. It all went down hill from there. And as weeks passed into months, and slow tears turned into angry sobs, the relationship ended.

And Jenny was left standing alone under the giant Oak tree that had sheltered many goodnight kisses. But, she was not heartbroken. She was not even sad. She hurt. That hurt that comes when anything in life fades into another. That ache that fills the center of your chest when life moves on before you're ready. She hurt because she wanted to hurt, to look back, to remember. But it was time to move forward.

And Jenny knew exactly in what direction she wanted her forward to go. And as she stood there watching the tail lights fade into the chill of night, she smiled.

She wanted him back. She had to have him back. It was just a matter of how...


***


After Jenny broke up with Troy, again, the oddest thing happened. They kept talking. Immediately following the words, "I want to break up." their friendship began. If possible, they talked more after the downfall of "Jenny and Troy, part 2"than during it. And Jenny loved it.


They talked about everything - boys, girls, school, crushes, fears, dreams...everything. They hung out. They dated each other's friends (but very briefly) and it was wonderful. He was her absolute best friend and it stayed this way until her Sophomore year.

On another infamous Corpus trip, Jenny once again became smitten, but with another boy. Another boy completely. This short lived relationship all but destroyed Jenny. She hated herself and nearly everyone else because of him. Troy was the one she called when she couldn't call anyone else. He was there when Jenny wouldn't let anyone else be there.


When school started, life took over. Phone calls became less frequent and then she heard a rumor that Troy was dating someone. A girl named Crystal. And they were pretty serious. Jenny had little time to let this worry her, because she was being pursued by another. She told herself that they were just friends and that's all. That's all it would ever be again and she was fine with that. She really was...

They spoke occasionally. They called. They saw each other at youth group, but things were different. The school year went on into Christmas and by then Troy and Crystal were a well known couple, while Jenny shocked the school by going out with Parker, the wild running back for the JV team. They rarely spoke now because Parker didn't like Jenny talking to Troy. So, she didn't.

Slowly, it happened. That change in heart, a realization deep within her that something bigger was waiting. Something better. She was fighting feebly for a cause not worth the struggle. Parker was not right for her no matter how hard she tried to make him right for her.

Troy broke up with Crystal. She heard the news from a friend. She couldn't ignore the way her heart raced when she heard. He was free...but she wasn't.

***

When the tailights were gone from sight, she turned toward the house smiling. She knew exactly what to do next.

"Hey."
"Hey!" His voice sounded happy, surprised.
"It's over." Jenny stated. She didn't need to explain. He would know.
"Oh, man, I'm sorry." He replied, sounding genuinely bad for her.
"Yeah, well, me too, sort of. But I knew it was coming."
"Yeah."

There was a moment of silence.

"Well," he finally said, "What are you doing now?"
In a sigh sad enough to evoke the desired response, but not pity, Jenny said, "Oh, just trying to think of something to do besides think about it..."
"Well," he began.
Jenny smiled into the phone knowing that she was going to like what she heard next.
"Richard and I are going to see Waterboy at 8 if you wanna come. I mean, you don't have to, but you can, you know, to have something to do."
Well, that worked nicely. "Really? Are you sure? I don't want to annoy Richard or anything..."
"Yeah, right. Naw, come on. If you want."
"Cool! That sounds great. I'll meet you guys there. Hey, thanks."

They said their goodbyes and as she hung up the phone, Jenny smiled. She smiled a big grin that stretched across her face, that, no matter how hard she tried, wouldn't fade.


She smiled while she curled her hair. He always liked her curly hair. She smiled while she put on her make up and carefully chose what to wear. And as she walked down the stairs, she smiled because she knew this night would be the first completely fun night she'd had in a while.

dinner?

Mason and I are eating mashed potatoes for dinner.

that's it. Mashed potatoes.

I did put in cheese and sourcream which must provide some amount of nutrients.

I really need to go to the grocery store...

Need a change

My hair is in desperate need of a change.

I am thinking of shoulder length, layers, long bangs....

Or should I just get it trimmed...

No, I think it's time for a drastic change.

It's just sad when you look at your 6th grade students and envy their cooler hair styles...

Sunday in the Park

We were a little bored this afternoon. Well, Troy was bored. He had driving range plans but the rain shut that down. I was just desperate for a reason to not do laundry. So, we took the boys to the park. We bundled up Grant and loaded Mason's bike in the Jeep and off we went. It was pretty chilly, but still fun.

Mason rode his bike for a while but then he started trying to catch birds. He is obsessed with catching birds. Obviously he never has, but he tries to all the time. It's so hilarious and a little odd.

After the park, we scrounged up $8.53 and decided if we found a restaurant with a dollar menu we could all eat for that. So we went to Burger King. I've never really liked Burger King but they had the dollar menu and were close by. And we all ate under 8 bucks. We decided maybe that should be a tradition we start. Sunday Scrounge - how cheap can we eat out on Sunday. The crazy thing is that we could have gone to cheddars, had water and split the triple treat appetizer for about 10 bucks. Maybe we should up our budget just a smidge. I don't think I can handle another trip to BK. Ick.

Then we came home and I put the boys to bed and started cleaning my craft/computer room. It's looking quite nice, except that it's not done because I decided to "just see" what the pictures from the park look like and, an hour later, I've gotten nothing done but edited about 5 of them and played around with some of the effects you can see below.

And of course I am still awake at 11:15 on a Sunday because I refuse to go to bed on Sunday because it means another weekend is over. Boo. But then it also means we are one day closer to summer...

Wow.

My friend sent me a link to one of her friend's photography websites.

wow.

Her pictures are out of this world amazing. Check them out HERE.

If I could be half as good as this girl...man.

She did study photography in college, but still. No one can teach talent like that.

And her prices are pretty reasonable, I think. But I think she charges per print.

A garden for Mason

Mason planted himself a garden today. We filled up an old plastic swimming pool (I know - classy) with three bags of cheap soil and one bag of good soil and planted some seeds. We are hoping to grow Marigolds, squash, green beans, chives and another flower...impatiens, i think. He picked out the selection of vegetation. We had so much fun digging in the dirt. I love the smell of dirt.

When we were talking about planting the garden, I told him he would have to take care of his garden. With every ounce of sincerity he could drag from the depths of his soul, he declared, "I will! Every single day!"

So, hopefully, something will grow in his little "raised bed" swimming pool. I sure do hope so because he will be positively crushed if they don't grow.

Future garden plans included a watermelon patch and a cantaloupe patch. Those will be in my garden. I,however, may not be as diligent in my gardening endeavors as Mason. I tend to put my plants through severe droughts for long periods of time. But, I really love watermelon and cantelopes so maybe that will motivate me.

I hate to say that and playing around on my computer has been about all I have accomplished today.

Brought to you by the letters HP...

So this post comes to you from my lovely new desktop computer. After carefully tucking away earnings from sprinkle of grace, Troy and I picked me out a nice new desktop computer. I am very much in love.

We were thinking of getting me a laptop, but then we realized how much more we could get for your money with a desktop, so we changed our minds. I don't really need mobile photo editing software. But I definitely needed tons of memory which is exactly what I got with my little HP Pavilion Quad core something or other.

So no more feeling guilty when I am editing pictures when I know troy wants to update some fantasy sports league. No more fried legs from the heat of the laptop burning me after three hours of blogging. And no more stupid little finger pad. I have an actual mouse. I love my mouse! I do miss my old keyboard. This one is oddly silent and for some reason my fingers keep missing certain keys. I am sure I will adjust soon enough.

So, I just hope I will continue to take pictures so I won't feel like this purchase was a complete waste. Which, I don't think I will because its just cool!

Oh, and one thing I can't wait to try out is this lightscribe cd/dvd burner thing that can burn images directly onto a DVD or CD for the label. I think that will be really cool for customers for their CD's. I can't wait!

New Pictures

I put up some pictures of Ashley and the "cowgirls". Check 'em out if you get a chance.

Oh, and I didn't put them into a slideshow. I kind of like that you can just scroll through them...But i don't know...

A little bit heartbroken

Today is St. Jude's Trike-a-thon at Mason's school.

This morning, as Mason was running with excitement to gather his bike equipment, he paused, looked at me and with pleading eyes said, "Please please please mom, can you just try to come to the bike thing? Please?"

I couldn't today. There's stupid Taks meetings during everyone's conferences so no one could cover my class at the time of the trike a thon.

I just am sitting here imagining him looking for me to come. My heart just hurts right now.

I am sure he's having so much fun he may not even notice me not there. We'll do something special tonight.

But it won't be the same...

24 more stupid days...

What to say...what to say...

See the problem with not updating on a daily basis is that I have too much to say and therefore I don't say anything because I don't have time to say everything. And I am sick of bullet blogs. I mean SICK of them. NOT from you guys. I love your bullet posts almost better than all the rest. I just hate that everything I have written in the past month has been a snippet of writing that lacks any depth or detail.

But not much has been happening here of any great depth. Except staying home. And while I could write for hours about the joy filling the depths of my soul over this development, I don't want to bore you continually with the topic and I also don't want to sound braggy in any way. I'm just so excited! It's like being in love. I seriously get butterflies in my stomach when I think of the months ahead...and there I go talking about it. Oh, pooh! It's my blog and I've served my time in the working world. I can talk about the thing that consumes my every thought, right?

You know what I'm most excited about? Making my home a home. In every sense of the word. I want to make it more beautiful outwardly (think repainted garage sale furniture, homemade curtains, plants that aren't dead), but more than that I want to make it feel like a home you want to come home to. Don't get me wrong. I love our house now. And I do feel like it is very homey already, but I am ready to enjoy it more. Even in the summer I haven't ever fully committed to it because school was starting just around the corner. There was that sense of urgency to get this and that and everything done before such and such happened. Now I have what seems to be an unending expanse of time lying s before me. I can commit to a daily routine. I can have a cleaning day and a laundry day and a grocery day and...(yes, I know I could have those things now, but it just doesn't happen. And yes I know I could plan to have these days and they may never happen, but at least I can have fun trying!). And I can just do fun things with my boys. Because that'll be my job! I am finally getting my dream job.

And I'm not even that stressed about money. Maybe it's cause I haven't fully, totally,100% gone through every possible expense and how tight exactly it's going to be....no, i have. Several times. It just keeps working out. We won't be living the high life, but we'll make it. And I just know God will make it work. I just absolutely know it. If we do our part and manage our resources wisely, he'll bless this decision.

My principal said he'd love to have me for a tutor next year. So that's a definite go if it doesn't work out with elementaries. And Sprinkle of Grace, well, wow. It's just growing little bit by little bit. I need to post two new slideshows to Sprinkle of Grace. And I am thinking about changing the packages. In fact, I need your opinion on this:

No one has ever told me, "I want package B." or whatever. They say what they want and then I drag them all over town for about two hours and we shoot away. I take anywhere from 300-500 pictures of them, go through them all, edit my favorites and then give them the CDs. So far everyone has paid for the middle package, the one that costs 150. So, here's my thinking - I just charge 150 a shoot. We shoot for as long as the kids don't go crazy and husbands can stand it. I edit as many good ones as I can and then they get a CD.

Positives: It's simple, it's straightforward, and we get the most out of the shoot.
Negatives: Some people may not be able to afford the 150. Some people may just want a few shots, not a ton.

I just don't know. I know I don't have to change it immediately, but I want to be consistent and fair. I also don't want to cut out potential clients if 150 is too much. But everyone wants more than one location and it really does take a long time to go through all the images, find the best and edit them. Not to mention the actual shoot which I often have to find a sitter for. So, is the one set price of 150 too much and I should keep the scaffolded packages? Or just scrap it and go with a 150 price every time?

Opinions?

A whole other can of worms is charging for prints instead of just giving a CD of all images that they can do with what they want. But that...well, I don't know. That just seems less appealing. I think people like the opportunity to do whatever with the pictures. Oy vey. It's just fun having to actually think about this that much because it means people are actually interested.

I have business cards now. They're pretty snazzy. I am sure they will be falling into the hands of former clients so that they may fall into the hands of potential clients. :)

And this should suffice for now, I suppose.

I must write!

How sick are you of "Tooth Update" for a title?

I haven't blogged, barely even checked blogs in a week. I am going through withdrawal. And I have so much to say and it's not things I like to say in bullet posts.

My mom is coming to town today. I feel like it's the day before Christmas. I just can't wait to have her here. I was blessed to never have gone through a phase(longer than five minutes) where I didn't like my mom. We have always been close and are scarily similar. Just ask our husbands.

There are moments when I hold Grant or Mason in my arms and I just ache to tell them how much I love their every fiber. I hold their face close to mine and I just try to soak up their every detail. I feel like their lives are just flying by.

I took Ashley's (from church) senior pictures this week. I thought they turned out pretty good, but then I go to real photographers websites and feel so not professional. But I'm not a professional so it's okay. And I'm just learning. I'll post them soon.

A student bought me an ice cream bar at lunch today. It was super sweet. I knew I always liked the name James.

I just cried watching a slideshow of family portraits of this family with three boys of preteen years. I imagined my boys as preteens. Someday they will be, you see. They really will grow up and stop sleeping on my bedroom floor when they've had a bad dream or reaching for me when they're tired or kissing me when I drop them off. They reallywill...I'm crying again.

I am staying home next year. No questions. No doubts. I am staying home. Money is saved, God is confirming the decision at every turn, and I am at peace with the decision. Then sings my soul...

I am definitely not pregnant. Definitely.

I am taking some family portraits tonight for a lady at school. I am nervous because I want them to be really really really good. They're for her husband. He knows people...

Yesterday we had a really negative meeting at school. Teaching is just too much. Too much of everything but teaching. I think they should give teachers a paid year off every three years to do nothing but go to inspiring workshops so that they don't just burn out and quit. (like me)

In the very negative meeting we were told not to countdown the days. Whatever. There are less than 30 school days left.

I think I am going to buy myself a laptop with photography money. I have spent, just this week alone, about 10 hours editing images and making slideshows. My poor husband needs the computer too. And staying up until 1 am lastnight to finish Ashley's pictures was not a good idea...I want the best cheapest deal...

My desk looks like a bomb went off on it and exploded ungraded papers all over the place.

I weigh less right now than I ever have in my life. I am not bragging. I am not trying to start a riot or make people hate me. I want to explain what is happening to me. I have no appetite whatsoever. I get hungry and then eat like half my plate and I am stuffed. Food has lost its spark, if you will. I am sure it will come back, as will the weight. Because of said weightloss, my boobs are almost nonexistant. I am not healthy. I need to get healthy. I need to start eating right.

I haven't had coffee in weeks. I don't really know why... I haven't really even missed it. Odd.

Isn't spring glorious? every year I want to plant stuff but I know it will just die. I still do it though. I just have too many darn hobbies!

Have I mentioned that I can't wait until summer?

I did not spell check this or even re-read it. I apologize now for all the errors.

Tooth Update

Hydrocodone is a good, very good, thing.

Yesterday, as soon as the medicine started wearing off, the pain began in full force. The whole bottom right side of my mouth ached.

I started to cry during 6th period in front of my students. I didn't cry when I was in labor. This pain was BAD.

I thought I could survive through 7th but I couldn't. I split up my kids, sent them to other teachers and went to get my pain meds.

While waiting for it to be filled, I sat and cried in the waiting area of HEB. I felt like such a baby but didn't care.

I went home and tried to eat some yogurt so I could take the medicine...then I drove to get the boys. I was so happy when Grant's teachers said that he didn't take a good afternoon nap. I dropped Mason off with Troy at the softball field, came home and took the most glorious nap with Grant. Thank God he slept.

When I woke up I felt so oooo much better. But still hurt pretty bad.

Good news:
It feels a lot better today.
There's a chance it might "settle down" and still no root canal.

Bad News:
There isn't going to be any. It will just keep feeling better. I believe...

Please Pray

I had a dentist appointment today. It was for that possible root canal.

He cleaned it out, leans back and says, "I don't think we have to do a root canal."

Praise Jesus!

Then He cleans some more and says, "Well, I think I lied.(long pause) I dont' know what we should do. (long pause and questions to me about pain) I guess we can just fill it and see if it starts hurting."

So, please pray that as my mouth begins to numb that I feel no pain. Please. My insurance doesn't cover root canals. The price difference betweent the cavity and the root canal is about 800 dollars.

I know God could heal this thing in an instant. But I'm afraid he might want to teach me a lesson in candy gluttony.

I am praying and believing that this tooth will cause me no more pain. Please send up a few prayers with me.

Pretty Sweet...

Is how I would describe the couple whose pictures I took on Saturday.

Matt and Mandy were so fun to photograph and of the five hundred, yes, I said FIVE hundred shots we took, there was hardly a bad one in the bunch. They were just so cute!

So, check out their slideshow on sprinkle of grace's blog. It's only 24 pictures, not 500!

He sits...

Maybe we should have thought this through a bit more...

When Mason was going in for his four year check-up, troy and I knew there would be quite a few shots involved. Trying to make this painful experience have better reasoning than "you won't catch a disease that was really bad in the 1950's", we told him that the shots would make his legs super strong and fast.

You see where this is going.

For a year, we haven't heard much about this white lie we told our son. But now, "Garret Manning, not Garret Myre, has Mikey's and they make him run fast fast FAST! If I could just get like 20 more shots in my legs I could run fast like Garret Manning."

And he talks quite often about getting these shots that make his legs stronger and faster.

I really hope no one turns us in for providing steroids to a five year old...

March Pictures

He sits and sips.

Grant has a new sippy cup. He can hold it and drink from it all on his own. It's sweet and sad at the same time. I was excited to find a sippy cup that that has interchangeable parts with his bottles. So I can pop bottles into the handles. And swap out sippy spouts with bottle nipples. It's pretty cool.

And he sits. My teeny tiny baby boy (who happens to weigh 20 pounds), can sit on his own. We have to prop him up, but he can maintain his balance for a while. This discovery last night sparked lots of clapping and giggling and yays! Mason was probably the most excited.

Tonight Mason was making Grant just laugh and laugh by saying, "limbo, limbo, limBO!" It was pretty sweet. It's fun watching my boys play together.

Deep Sigh of Contentment

On Monday, my hubby was home by 5:30. We grilled a steak to share, had super delicious baked potatoes, a caesar salad and root beer floats. The lawn was mowed and the windows were open to let in the wonderful spring breeze. It was so very perfect.

Last night, Troy was again home by 5:30. We had barbecued chicken, salad, fresh corn on the cob and rolls. It was divine.

After dinner, I put Grant to bed and went to Hastings. I just wandered around flipping through books on photography, art, scrapbooking, devotional, raising kids...It was maybe the most relaxing thing I've done in quite some time. I came away with three books - two on photography and one devotional type book called "queen of the castle" It's a devotionalish type book written for homemakers. It's like bible verses sprinkled in with house cleaning tips and recipes for play dough. It is very funny and laid back. It's far from a "deep" Bible study, but it was just good stuff. I am super excited about starting it.

Then I came home and watched my dvr-ed favorite show with my husband.

It's just so good here lately. Everything. Blessed just doesn't even begin to cover it.

I am so excited about the things happening in my life right now. I am so anxious for the school year to end. Not because I can't stand my job, but because I am just so ready for this next chapter to begin.

I am excited about having the summer off with Troy and going camping with our boys.

I am excited about teaching mason how to read this summer.

I am excited about trying some new things with our grill.

I am excited about beginning my photography business for real.

I am excited about play dates and coffee with friends and projects around the house and so much more.

And I am excited about putting away my full time teaching gear for a little while.

Life is good, my friends. Very very very good.

Try This!

If you're bored and have nothing better to do, try this:

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME (first pet, current car): Kringer Cheerokee

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME (fave ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Buttered Pecan Flats

3. YOUR NATIVE AMERICAN NAME (favorite color, favorite animal): Purple Turtle

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, city where you were born): Rose Marble Falls

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name):
Wilje

6. SUPERHERO NAME (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Blue Water

7. NASCAR NAME (the first names of your grandfathers): Richard Swanson

8. STRIPPER NAME ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent,favorite candy): Happy Jr. Mint

9. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Julie Jacksonville

10. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Tulip

11. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing rightnow): Watermelon Flip Flop

12. HIPPIE NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Oatmeal Oak