Why?

Oh. Hi there.
I do still exist.
:)

Lately, I've been thinking about why. Why I do the things I do. Why do I teach? Why do I have Sprinkle of Grace? Why do I spray paint old furniture bright shades of red? Why do I run? Why do I do all that I do?So very philosophical of me, don't you think? :)
I don't know. Maybe it's some sort of thing that happens when you get older and realize you should probably have yourself figured out by now.
Also. When I have a Why for something I'm doing, I always do it so much better.
It's like cleaning your house. Don't you always clean house better when someone's coming to visit? I do. I'm always faster, more detail oriented, and focused. My definite goal is "make this house look good for _______." When I just clean because  we, like, run out of clean spoons, I'm never as efficient. I hop around from task to task, skipping any task but the most essential, because, really, cleaning the house for just the three boys I live with is not quite as motivating since the cleanliness is undone rather quickly, and really, everyone was okay with the slight mess from before.
But when someone is coming to visit, I have a definite answer for the why I am cleaning. And I get the job done.
So, if I could pinpoint exactly why I teach, clean, work, photograph, run, organize, etc I think I'd be way more effective...or just stop doing it.

So today I'm tackling an easy why. Why I run. 
About a month ago it occurred to me that the capitol 10k was approaching and fast. And I had run, oh, about 8 miles since October.
I had canceled my membership at the gym because I would rather do anything besides run on a treadmill and Mason hated going to the daycare thing in the gym and that meant I could only run in the morning at 5:30 so I'd be back for Troy to leave by 6:30 and waking up at 5:30 after staying up until 11:30 to edit pictures....well, as you can see, the excuses for never going to the gym were...there.
Troy gets home after dark basically every night of the week and I have two boys who can't watch themselves.
And I can't run at night alone.
So when could I run?

So, I finally asked Grant's daycare provider (who I adore) if she wouldn't mind watching Mason and grant for about 45 minutes a few days a week so I could run after school. She agreed.
 So I started running and, since I had a 10k to get ready for, regaining distance was my goal. So I did that slowly, eventually working up to 7 miles last Sunday. A very slow seven miles, but seven miles nonetheless.
So now I had figured out HOW I could run. But...why?
Do I really care about my time for the Capitol 10k?
Do I want to run a half marathon some day?
Am I trying to lose weight?
Do I want to be faster? Run farther?
Why running? 

Well, after about three afternoons of running after school, the why I run became very clear.

It's because running gives me at least 30 minutes of silence a day.

30 minutes without "Mrs. Wilde....Joe took my purple butterfly eraser and he won't give it back!"
30 minutes without "Jenny, have you decided what intervention will work best with Johnny?"
30 minutes without "Mom, where's my nerf gun that fires 32 darts at a time so that you'll never be able to pick them all up?" Okay so that question has never been worded that way...
It's 30 minutes of no one needing me.
It's 30 minutes of just me.
And whether I run fast or slow, up hills or down, for miles and miles or just a few, it's just about me.
And I think every one of us deserves that in our lives.

And on days when I can't seem to do anything right or be good enough of at it all, I can run. I can check that off the list. I can feel success there.

Now, I know that I'll need goals as a runner. I'd really like to actually start shaving time off my Capitol 10k time rather than adding a minute every year. And I'd like to run 3-4 miles like it's nothing. I'd definitely like to be faster. And I think I'd even like to try a half marathon someday... Some very far off day... :)

But the real deep down reason I run is the same reason I think my dad ran: it's time to think, to be alone, to feel success in something, to do something for myself.  And while, I guess, in some ways, that is selfish, it's really not. Because I come home on my running days energized and refreshed. I want to cook something healthy for my family. I want to keep moving. I've thought out most of the day's troubles and put the others aside. Those 30 minutes alone make me feel better the rest of the day.

Anyway, I don't know why i'm writing this. Why, of all things, I chose this to post on my blog after months of not writing a thing, but I just felt like putting it in words. So there. :)

Why do I run?
For me.