Click...click...click...click...

That's the sound of my roller coaster making the slow climb upwards. I'm hoping it's either a reeeeaaaallllly long climb up, or a short climb followed by a nice flat track over a plain that stretches for miles into the horizon. I can't take another plummet for awhile!

Truth be told, by Thursday at noon the world was a sunnier place. Friday was just around the corner. The worst student I'd ever had in my life was like a completely different kid on Thursday. And another lesson seemed to go well.

Here's what I think happened. I plan and I plan and I plan for the first day of school. Even the first two days. I envision such grand things. I expect to somehow be that organized with-it teacher that I will simply never be. I hope that my students will all adore me and wait with wide curious eyes to see what glorious thing I will teach them next. I know it's silly, but it's what I do. And, honestly, I think it's what most teachers do. It's that fairytale daydream that we conjure up during summer that keeps us coming back each fall.

Well, then day three comes.

I'm sleep deprived.
I'm overwhelmed by my ESL, OCD, ODD, SPED, dysgraphic, dyslexic...modifications that sit on my desk.
I can't find my desk.
I have papers to grade. I forgot about that.
The students are feeling more...comfortable shall we say.
And suddenly I am very acutely aware that school is not only about day one. It's about day 3 through day 180.
And, Lord have mercy! If that doesn't want to make you withdraw into a dark closet and cry, I don't know what will.

But somehow, I crawled out of the closet and survived two more days of school. And then I drove to Mom's because just the smell of home can make the world a better place. And then I drove to see the most precious baby on the planet, Kylah's little Michael David. And I sat chatting with my best friend while she nursed her son and found it amazing that our bond would now grow even deeper because she is now a mom. And to imagine us getting any closer and loving each other any more really does seem impossible...yet completely possible... And then today we came back to San Angelo, I cleaned house, did (most of) the laundry, went grocery shopping, had one moment of nauseating panic when I realized that TOMORROW was Monday of just week two, and now I sit blogging instead of grading.

whatever. I needed you all to know that your prayers worked. The tears stopped and I think I'm going to make it. And as proof here's a bulleted list of a few sweet moments with my 4th graders:

• As a student walked by my on the way to PE, she whispered "I love your class" with such passion and enthusiasm that I just had to grin from ear to ear. Got me through the day. That little whisper did.
  
• I have a student named Johnny. For real. Legal name. I was scared, man. I tell you what. Because you know that name is THE name used in every scenario - "when Johnny won't shut up...when Johnny hits Suzy... When Johnny forgets his homework every day...when Johnny throws a chair..."etc. But, oh, Johnny has stolen my heart. Absolutely stolen it.
  
• Every once in a while they laugh at my stupid jokes. :)
  
• I found my desk before I left school on Friday.
  
• I've remembered to do lunch count every day.
  
• I've unjammed the copier when the other teachers couldn't. I was a hero.
  
• I know what I'm doing tomorrow. And my copies are already run.

So here's to week number 2...

(if anyone dare comments on how many weeks remain, I'll pummel you.)

and day three brings tears.

It was just a long day.
It wasn't even that bad. My lesson was okay, the kids worked and did well, I wasn't late for anything and I don't even think I screwed anything up.
But i still leaned my back against my filing cabinet at the end of the day, slumped to a pile on the floor, and cried.
I cried because it's only wednesday. And it's only week one. And it's just so hard and so much. And I miss Grant. And I haven't even seen Mason's room except for the few times I've peeked in the window during 4th grade recess.

And then I come home and I know I need to edit a million pictures and email clients and do a few hundred other things like Mason's homework, do dishes, something to the god awful floors...

It's just one of those crying days. And I know the world will be better tomorrow, but today I just needed to cry.

So I did.

And that's day three of the emotional roller coaster. A big gut wrenching plummet from a fairly high peak. sigh. But that's gotta mean I'm coming up on a big flyin' high hill...I hope.

perhaps a bit of poetry is due...

They're sweet.
And small.
And cute.
And wanting to please.
And I've fallen madly in love with several of them already.

The first day was wonderful, but I only had my homeroom for the entire day. And, not to brag, but I have THE best homeroom ever. I tell them that constantly. I also tell them their straight line makes me want to cry I'm so proud. And I also act like the love of my life has just returned from being lost at sea when they finally make it back to my room at the end of the day. And should I hear that they were the best class another teacher had all day, erasers are passed out with "i am just so darn proud of OUR homeroom!" exclamations.

If you can't tell, what I like most about 4th graders so far is that they let you praise them and love on 'em. 7th graders let you but you have to sneak it in.

Today we switched classes five times. And I do have a few stinkers scattered about, but nothing terrible. Of course, they're all good the first few days and then true colors start splattering out. But, I think I'll be okay. And I think they kind of like me and I don't care what someone might have told you, they have to like you. Period. I don't have to be their best friend, they can't run my classroom, and they don't have to like what we do every day, but they have to like me. They have to know that I do truly care about them and their success.

Anyway, after two days, I think I will survive.

The only part of my job that's really stressing me out is I feel like I am unsure of simple things all the time - do we take up composition notebooks? Attendance written and electronically? lunch count is sent where? Do I unload tuesday folders? There's obviously no bell for class switching so I freak out if the next class is waiting on me. I just hate HATE feeling like the weak link. I don't really think I am, but I feel like it.

And then there's TAKS. 4th graders take the writing taks test. Last year they had awesome scores. I do not want to disappoint! But today, I gave the most stereotypical writing assignment - Write about what you did this summer. I know! Terrible! But I did it because a)it's safe and easy for my shy unsure babies. b) It's a great way to see what they write, how they write. And I learned a lot. Most surprised me with how great they wrote. A few downright terrified me. And the rest made me smile to think about how much they're going to learn this year...how much I hope they learn this year.

Now, as for my big ol' first grader, Mason, he's doing great. Except that this morning I took him with me. He was totally fine with walking to class by himself until it actually came time to walk to class by himself. As my fourth graders were filling my room, his eyes were filling with tears. I couldn't walk him all the way across campus to his room. It was a horrible moment of "I'm an awful mother" emotions. Until I spotted our dear sweet librarian.

A word on our librarian: Mrs. Hall might be the sweetest, kindest, smilingest, defines-librarian-to-a-tee..est, person ever. I adore her. She's funny and clever and exudes sweet without being sappy. She's been teaching/librarianing (totally a word) for 30 or so years, and she just...I just like her. I want to grow up to be her.

Back to Mason... so we saw dear Mrs. Hall and before I can even open my mouth, she smiles that warm endearing smile of her and says, "Can I walk this young man to class for you? Why, I would just love to." I almost hugged her. So I sent Mason, tears brimming in his sad little eyes, off with Mrs. Hall, and I choked back my own tears and headed to class.

Other than that one small teary moment, he's loved first grade. Thank goodness!

Now, since tomorrow is only Wednesday, there will likely be a non-poetic, possibly whiney post about how exhausted I am and how I can't believe how long it is until MAY! But today, I'll enjoy these happy feelings of 4th grade smittenness. And I hope you did too.

(does it concern you all that I teach writing and yet I make up words almost every time I write? It does me...)

No time for poetry!

I really would like to post some poetic, this-is-the-night-before-i-change-the-lives-of-80-4th-graders-for-better-or-worse - post, but I don't have time!

The first day of school is tomorrow! TO-MORROW!
I really don't know how that happened. Honestly. I have vague remembrances of in-service that seemed like an eternity while I was in the midst of the meetings, but, seriously, how did ten days of boring meetings pass so quickly!?

And, in case you've forgotten, as I practically have, Mason will be starting FIRST grade tomorrow! That's impossible.

I really don't know if I'm ready. Honestly. I have a lesson plan. I have an idea of what I'm doing. But for the most part, I feel pretty lost. I'm also thankful that 4th graders have to be a teensy bit more gullible than 7th graders, so they won't know when I'm pretending to know what's going on.

The unbelievably wonderful news right now is that I have only 14 children on my roster. 14! And lots of them I remember from last year when I tutored. Lots of sweeties.

So, I'm off to bed to toss and turn for hours before I go to sleep where I will have countless school nightmares. The ones where I don't have any desks...i've been switched to Kindergarten...I have no lesson plans and Dr. Bonds is in my room...etc.

To all my fellow teachers, I hope tomorrow is a great day!

where the wild things are

Has anyone else seen the preview for this movie?
I love it. I can't wait to see the movie. It looks amazing. And I love the children's book.

(im typing this on troy's computer on the couch. Grant was sitting on the loveseat by himself. Mason was over here by me. Grant just got up, walked over to his bubba, climbed into the spot next to him and laid his little head on mason's shoulder as mason wrapped his arm around Grant's shoulder. My heart just melted.)

Anyway, I've been thinking that I want a theme for my classroom. You know? Something that we say when we're writing, something that's motivating, something cool.

In the trailer that's 2:31 the words that flash up on the screen say,
"Inside all of us is everything you've ever seen.
everything you've ever done.
everyone you've ever loved.
There's one in all of us."

I like that. That idea that all our experiences - every memory, encounter, adventure, dream, experience, is within us and should be shared. Even if it means being a little wild(creative) to share it.

But then the other trailer says,
Inside all of us is hope.
Inside all of us is fear.
Inside all of us is a wild thing.

I like that one too. There's so much to hope for and fear in this world. So sometimes, escaping to a world of make believe is necessary.

I think the first one is better for my class. I want to play the trailer in class to introduce the theme. Mainly because I just love the trailer so darn much. I can't wait for the movie to come out. I'm gonna do a whole wild things theme i think.

I'm always so ambitious at the beginning of a school year. I wish i could bottle that up and take a big swig of it in about October when I start counting down days till christmas...

losing it.

And by losing it, I mean my mind, my keys, my cell phone, my money, my patience, my sanity, my with-it-ness, my...you get it.

This past week was the first week of teacher inservice. It was fine enough. The only terribly annoying thing was that Friday, every other teacher's trade day(aka - work in their classroom day), was my "First Year Teacher" day.

I know that three years doesn't make me some expert teacher, but I would hope I'm a wee bit more advanced than "first year". But because i'm technically "new to the district" I had to go. It really wasn't all that bad. And I got a cute little doorprize. But I just would have much preferred being in my room.

Speaking of my room, let me describe it to you.
Have I done that already?

I think I have.

So, nevermind.
I haven't done that much to it anyway. I have this hope that classroom created posters will cover the walls. I doubt that will happen. But the walls are fairly devoid of posters while I hope.

I also hung a clothesline for each of my five "periods" for student work to be displayed. I have what i think is a SUPER cool idea for displaying kids work, but i am pretty sure it will be cooler in my head than it is in reality. That tends to happen to me a lot.

I also have this rather ambitious idea for my bellringer. I won't share it yet because i want to see if it's successful or if my students eat me alive every day for the first five minutes of every class...and consequently, the remaining 45 minutes of every class.

In non-teacher news, the absolute coolest thing happened the other day! Well, not THE coolest, but pretty neat.
I was at the art alley finishing up a shoot, and this lady walked up with a camera. She said hi and mentioned how great the art alley was. I agreed. Then she said, "It used to be so much brighter. Did you see it at the beginning?"
"Yeah, i think I started taking pictures here soon after it began..." I answered.
"Well, it used to be so much brighter. There's this photographer, Sprinkle of Grace or something..." She began.
"Thats me!"

Isn't that so funny!? That she was going to talk to me about me? Now, she could have followed up that statement with, "and sheesh, her work makes this place look like a pigsty." But gosh! Who cares? She was talking about me!

I have to admit I felt a little famous for a second.

It might be a good thing that 80 or so 4th graders will soon not remember my name.

In the realm of trying-to-dress-more-professionally-and-togetherish news, I wore a sweater vest on Friday. With jewelry. And cute little shoes. I hope I can pull of a sweater vest. On Tuesay I wore the white skirt. I even ate in the white skirt. And it's still white. Impressive. I wore jewelry and heals with the white skirt. I think I might be a cute teacher this year!

Just to be safe, I'm washing my Crockett t-shirt right now. I think I'll need that baby.

And I suppose that's all for now.

I'm now a bear.

A crockett bear anyway. I mean, I was hired a month or so ago, but yesterday I visited with all my fellow bears at a Crockett luncheon. I was hugged and squeezed and smiled at and told by many, "Oh, we are so very glad to have you."

I always think people don't like me for some reason. It's true! I never know what they think of me. So, it's so nice, when out of nowhere, some sweet teacher who had me in their room for only a little while, treats me like a best friend.

It's especially nice to find a campus that's so welcoming when I already taught at the best campus on the planet. In teaching, you gotta love the people you're working with. Because odds are, they're gonna find you sobbing at your desk at some point and you'll need to know they're on your side.

Anyway, after the lunch the 4th grade teachers met with our principal to discuss our schedule. I went in with a "schedule" that I thought might work, mainly because I was scared that everyone else would have something and I didn't want to look like I didn't care. My schedule was 5 hour-long classes with pe/music, lunch and recess thrown in there somewhere.

I'll spare you the 2 hours of debating between five hundred different ideas, to get to the point that I'll be teaching writing. For 50 minutes. To five classes.

writing.
50 minute classes.
five classes.

That sounds kind of similar...hmm...why...oh, yes, that's the exact thing I did at glenn for three years!

And it's pretty much the exact plan I hoped for. But better.
I'm used to teaching about 125 7th graders. I'll have about 80 4th graders.

So, needless to say, I'm relieved and excited and now I can't sleep at night because I'm trying to remember how I taught voice. Or if I need brads in their folders or not. And how I'll display their work. And how I can justify the purchase of both the fine and bold tip sharpie sets.

That last dilemma is really getting most of my attention right now...

pictures. just cuz.

A trip to San Antonio.

The entire summer Troy and I tried to think of family trip. We tossed around Padre, florida, Dallas, camping, and just about everything. Well, finally, our budget and schedule forced us into a decision. We chose to stay one night at the Hyatt Hill Country Resort in San Antonio and then take the boys to the zoo. I know it doesn't sound super exciting but it really was so fun! The Hotel has great pools and a man made lazy river that you can float around. Pool side restaurants, smores at night, homemade ice cream, a gym, and being upgraded (for no reason that we knew of!) to a two room suite with an amazing balcony made the trip wonderfully relaxing and fun. We checked in super early and checked out after a quick morning swim in the pool. Then we headed to the zoo. I took lots and lots of pictues, but these are just some of my favorites....


I love how sweet mason and Grant are right now. They're becoming friends. Pals. Buds. It's just fun to watch Grant copy Mason. To witness Mason teaching Grant new words. They both just climbed into this chair together on our balcony and "snuggled" while momma drank her coffee. It was so sweet.


Isn't this vacation defined? Sleeping on crisp white sheets? In a super cold room after playing all day in the sun. There's just nothing better.

Grant was terrified of the elevator! This was him trying not to be forced into what he perceived to be the cubicle of death. I laugh every time I see this picture! I just knew he was wishing he could say, "No! please no! It's okay! Really! I don't need to swim! We can just live on the third floor forever. really! NOT! THE! CUBICLE! OF! DEATH NOOOOoooo!!!!"
This picture was the result of me forcing the camera into troy's hands and clinging to mason with "please smile with momma" begging. This was about hour 6 of the zoo on the the HOTTEST day ever. ever. Holy shmoley...
My little lizard boy. the kid loves reptiles. And we got to see them being fed. So creepy cool. Mason was in total awe. I have pictures but I didn't think seeing a giant lizard slurp a slimy rat off the ground was something you really wanted to see.

The butterfly house was definitely my favorite part. Grant was so cute! His reaction was the perfect mix of "don't make me touch those things!" and "oh please! oh please! I wanna hold one!" Isn't his pudgy little finger timidly held out to this butterfly so sweet? The butterfly flew away a few seconds after this shot. He just giggled and moved on. Mason. The butterfly whisperer.

This picture should be up higher with the other komodo dragon pictures. But I'm lazy!

He got one!look how excited he is about my butterflies!

Trying to make the transfer...
Loving his nervous giggles...loving his proud little grin as he held those butterflies on his chubby arms.

I know there's people in the background. And they're all tired and worn out, but this is one of those pictures that I'll love for years to come. It's them. Totally.

Grant was so tired...barely able to walk to the car after the HOT day at the zoo...

tired...barely buckled in.
Pulling away from the parking lot...
after two minutes in the car...
And then he got a little goofy once he woke up. Man, I love this kid.
And that grin...PS. Mason truly detests having his picture taken. I adore him. I thinke he's beautiful. I think he's cute. But he hides from the camera. It's not my fault that I have more pictures of grant. Just wanted to be clear about that.

a new post.

I know you've all given up on me. I'm so terribly sorry.

I'm at Kylah's right now. I've been trying with some level of desperation to make her eat spicy foods and run laps so this baby boy will finally arrive. But she's not really keen on the whole running laps idea and the spicy food isn't doing anything. I don't think I'll be here to witness Michael's reaction to the "Baby, I think it's time" statement. I am infinitely saddened by this. I just want to meet this baby boy!

I went shopping yesterday. By myself. No kids. No husband. Just me and some Sprinkle money I had carefully tucked away for this very occasion. I bought some cute things, mainly work clothes. I have this hope of being a more put together, sophisticated looking teacher. In other words, maybe I'll wear a tee shirt and khaki capris only four days a week, not five. On that other day, probably Tuesday(I'm always most together - mentally and clothesely - on Tuesdays), I'll wear one of the cute tops, with the cute pants and the cute shoes and the cute colorful jewelry. Yep! Jewelry!

Think for a minute. Are you picturing me? Really try to think about the last time you saw me with earrings on? A necklace? A bracelet? Really think hard. You can't remember a time, can you? Well, time's are a-changing, girls!

On Tuesdays.

Anyway, Grant is learning new words all the time now.
That was a subject change, huh?
But he can say so many cute things now. My most favorite word now is turtle. Oh, lordy. How my heart smiles when he says "tu-tle." just darn cute. When we were at the zoo last week, he said it when he saw my favorite animal at the zoo, the Galapagos Tortoise. Oh, it was cute.

I need to write more about the zoo. And our stay at a super nice hotel for one night. And the way grant was scared of the elevator.

Mason. Mason is Gigantic. He just spent a week at Gema and Pop Pops with his cousins going to camp. My mom wrote about all of the adventures on her blog. He had a blast. As we were pulling away from gema and Pop pops house, he looked so sad staring at the window. His sweet little eyes even got watery. I'm so glad he has grandparents that love him so much. That he loves so much.

I have keys to my classroom. It's a barrack room. It's big. I was overwhelmed when I stood in it alone for the first time on thursday. It's just scary. I just don't want to disappoint them. At least I'll be cute on tuesdays.

There is a store in San Antonio called Charming Charlies. Holy Cow. My life has been changed. It's an accessory store arranged by color. If you don't know by now, I'm a color nut. Like, when I play a dominoes game, you know, with all the colored dominoes? I get more into how all the colored dots look together than the points or whatever. And I would always rearrange my new markers or crayons in rainbow order. And when i buy solid colored tee shirts in mass (which I do for non-tuesday days) I buy colors that look good together even though I'll never wear them together. Soooo, anyway, back to charming charlies. Arranged by color. Like a whole section of yellow based jewelry...next to the red section....next to the purple section. Seriously. lost my mind. and a few bucks.

I think that's all i can manage to write about today. I know this was random and haphazard but I am random and haphazard...so there you go! :)