Teacher Memories

Because my boys are in bed and I have some peace and quiet...

Because today I packed up my classroom...

Because yesterday I had my students from last year and this year sign my year book...

Because I went to dinner with my team for the last time...

Because I am a little nostalgic...

And because today I turned in my letter of resignation, here are a few memories from my three years as a teacher. I don't want to forget them. They'll probably be boring, but they're for me.



My first day I was so nervous I couldn't eat and was shaking. I practically had a script to get me through the lesson that first day. It was the most terrifying moment of my life when those 23 7th graders took their seats 1st period and just stared up at me waiting for me, the TEACHER, to teach.



I remember the first time I felt like a teacher, the first time it hit me that I was indeed a teacher was a simple moment. I was carrying a stack of freshly copied papers from the copy room to my classroom and one of my students walked by and said, "Hi, Mrs. Wilde." I was Mrs. Wilde. I was a teacher walking the halls of a school with authority. I don't know why I remember that...



During my first year I had a student call me a very bad name. In front of the class. I, of course, referred her to the assistant principal. On the referral I wrote that the student called me an "F***ing B*****" and turned it in. I was given the referral back and told I had to actually spell out the words. That was the first, and only, time I have written those words. To be clear, I did nothing to warrant being called such a name. I just asked her to be quiet.



This is a shameful teacher moment. But one of my favorites. I had this student. Brad. Little scrawny mousey kid, pretty annoying most days. Always up and not on task, kinda whiney. I liked him, but we had our moments. One day I was attempting to teach a lesson. He got up maybe three times to sharpen his pencil, each time the sharpener would make that deafening grinding noise that only Glenn sharpeners make. Finally, when he stood up the fourth time to sharpen his pencil, I all but screamed out, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" "He replied, "I need to sharpen my pencil." I, in a voice barely under a scream said, "You will not." He then says, "But..." And I interrupted him blaring, "I don't care if you have toCUT YOUR FINGER AND WRITE IN BLOOD, do not get out of your seat ONE MORE TIME!!!!" That was a bright and shining moment in my teaching career.



I once asked a student out in the hall, "What the hell are you thinking?" Yeah. 'nother great one. He kind of deserved it though...(for my former team members - think Caleb Sh... towards the end of the year.)



One day I sat on my little black stool that was left in my classroom when I inherited it. It was metal and foldey. Well, it decided it had had enough because one day I sat on it and it snapped under my weight and I went tumbling to the floor in front of my entire class. We all laughed hysterically, but the laughter went to the next level when Marisa looked at the bottom of the stool to read the weight limit and then asked with absolute seriousness, "Do you weigh over 250 pounds? "



Only two students have ever beaten me at this fun game I have called Tricky Fingers. Morgan and Shelby.



A student once asked me, about two weeks before the TAKS test, "Do you capitalize a person's name every time in the story or just the first time?"



After the TAKS test my first year, I cried. I broke down. I was ridiculous. Mr. Waters found me thanks to some teachers who I think ratted me out. He told me to leave the school and chill out for a minute. I don't think I have ever been so stressed, embarrassed, relieved, and flat worn out than I was in that moment. Leaving the school was the best moment of that day. It's so easy to forget there is a world outside of Glenn.



This is my favorite. One day last year I was teaching the world's most boring lesson on Business Letter Writing. Doesn't that just sound boring? I assure you it was. Well, about 10 minutes into class, Mr. Waters brings in one of my student's grandparents to watch. Yeah. Thanks. So I just continue teaching. They're super nice and I barely survive my lesson. Well, finally, they're leaving and the grandmother goes, "I never knew you weren't supposed to put a PS in a business letter. He (pointing to the grandfather) does all the time!" I laughed and said something like, "Oh, well, now you know!"

Okay, so about a week later these grandparents were brought up in conversation and Jenni Davidson goes, "Do you know what he does? He is THE LIBRARIAN of CONGRESS. Like the library of congress in DC. Yeah, he's the librarian." So I am thinking "Wow. That's pretty cool..." and I google him. HOLY COW! The man that sat in my room and watched me teach a lesson has been to russia with president reagan!!!! There's only been like 13 people in his position since America made the library of congress! Check him out here. HE was in my room. I told HIM not to put PS's in business letters. You know what's the best part? He wrote me a handwritten letter thanking me for the experience of watching me teach. Bizarre, I tell you. I still can't believe that happened. How stinkin' awesome!



There are a million more things like that, and I'll probably write some more but I just wanted to write about some now. I think I'm going to write something later entitled Goodbye Glenn. And then I'll move on and you will only get happy summer posts.

I just noticed something...

For the last four weeks or so I've had hall duty outside my classroom in the morning. I stand there and make sure students don't beat each other up or get into any other such mischeif. It's insanely boring. (and,don't tell, but I am late like every single day. What are they gonna do, fire me? )


So, I notice some things I may not have noticed otherwise. Here they are:

• I don't want Mason to ever be an 8th grader


• my first year here as a writing teacher, the writing department got an award for receiving a high commended rate on the TAKS test. Hmm. Maybe I had something to do with that.


• The bulletin board that I am in charge of updating stayed completely out of date...but of course now it's taken down so it doesn't matter.


• Some kids are just rude. If a person, especially a teacher, stops you with a question, STOP, answer the question and then move on. Don't mumble as you keep walking.


• Teachers are a coffee drinking bunch(myself included)


• Time stands still when you're just standing in a hall asking 6th graders where they're going even though you know their answer will be a quiet, "the library."


• But the thing I have noticed and thought about the most from my time in Challenger Hall is this. The big green sign that hangs on the wall outside my classroom says,

"I demand more from myself than anybody else could ever expect." Julius Irving

That's kind of fitting don't you think? I mean, I'm not saying that I always do my best, but I do set pretty high standards for myself. I often, if not always, fail to achieve those standards, but I think I would rather fail at trying to be the best I can be, than succeed constantly at mediocre. I just thought that was a pretty good quote for my wall. It's a good quote to think on...

And this concludes your inspirational message from my very random brain.

Oh, yeah, and did I mention? IT'S SUMMER!!!!!!

IT'S HERE!!!!

SUMMER!

The bell just rang! The kids screamed and ran out the door!
I survived!

Summer!
It's actually here.

:)

At laaaast....

You have to sing that line to get the full effect.

At laaaaaaaaaaaast my louuuuuve has come alooong.

Except that my at last has nothing to do with someone or something coming. It's about the end of something.

AT LAST.

Today I saw my 7th period for the last time. I would like to say that they were super sweet and nice and we played around and had a good last day together. I would like to say that. I can't. But I would like to.

They just wear me out. Geez.

But I'm done with em. And that, my friends, is a very good feeling indeed.

one class down
three days to go
three advisories remain
four finals left
one staff meeting to enjoy...

and I'm outa here!


Does anyone know what you write in a letter of resignation....? Eek. I need to do that, but I'm scared!

new pictures

So I just put up like a million pictures of that couple on sprinkle of grace.

This couple is special to me. Even though I don't know them that well, I work with Allison's dad. His wife, Allison's mom, has cancer and as of right now, it's winning.

I emailed the slideshow I put together of the pictures to them today. Allison and Nathan called to tell me that they loved it and that her mom cried watching the slideshow.

Pictures are important. It's nice knowing that these pictures mean something to this family. More than they might normally. It makes me feel like I am doing something good here. When I look at the pictures, I get so excited. They capture something. It's not what I do. I just happen to be the one with a camera. It's them and how they act. I like giving people something that makes them see...themselves.

I don't know what I'm trying to say really. I just like doing this. It's just fun.

Just go check 'em out if you get a chance and let me know what you think.

sweet.

I took some engagement pictures on Tuesday of a super sweet young couple. Actually, I even got to shoot the proposal! The wedding plans had begun, but there was no ring...until Tuesday! I felt so special to be a part of that moment. I am still editing a few, but the ones above are my two favorites.

We went to several places I'd never shot at before and they were awesome. I can't wait to get the full slideshow up!

Thoughts.

I see my 7th period two more times. :)

It's sad packing up a classroom.

It's exciting packing up a classroom.

Taking 100+ kids to San Antonio is exhausting.

Sitting on a bus for 6 hours with 30+ 6th graders is almost painful.

Sitting on a bus for 6 hours with 30+ 6th graders makes you say, "If you can't beat 'em, join em."

Sitting on a bus for 6 hours with 30+6th graders and playing makes you lose your voice.

Summer is 4 school days away.

I'm gonna miss my kids.

I'm gonna love being with my kids.

Summer.

It's practically here.

Joy is mixed with a sadness I wasn't prepared for.

I really need to learn how to let go and move on.

The new chapter.

I'm a week away from page one.

:)

Wow!

So, in the last week or so, my little photography business has really picked up.

I have about six shoots scheduled for June. Now, usually things happen and some get cancelled, but still. Six people are interested enough to book something.

I have spent like three hours tonight scrounging the web for cool photography websites. There are just so many cool ones. So many talented people out there. I love photography. It's so intriguing - all the different facial expressions you can capture. The way people interact.

That's what I want to learn more than anything. How to make people comfortable enough to be themselves and then actually capture that on film.

I get a few now and then, but I want everyone to be like that, you know?

And there's still so much I have to learn about just the actual science of photography. ISO and aperture and shutterspeed.... How to capture the best image in this light and that light....white balance and tripods...telephoto and not. It's so complicated, yet intriguing too.

I also would like to see how a real photographer works. But that would cost money. I'd have to actually pay for that experience. So I won't. And maybe, me not knowing how a real photographer does things is good. It keeps me, me.

It's late and I need to go to bed. I'm just excited. School's almost done and the next chapter is about to begin. And I think it's gonna be a page turner!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow.
Is.
the.
last.
monday.
of.
the.
school.
year.

There aren't praise words good enough.

This is really the last week of school. Next week we have monday of, it's finals and tuesday we have a party thing during 6th and 7th. And the kids leave at 12:45 on both Thursday and Friday. then we have a half day work thing on Saturday.

And then summer begins. Summer.
SUMMER.
It's actually almost here.

I can't believe it.

Girls Night Out was a success!

Made of Honor was super cute and funny - the perfect girls night out movie.

All us girls looked super cute. ;)

And it was just so nice to get out of the house! We should make that like a monthly event.

Don't you think so?

Poor little Grantius

Grant is sick. He woke me up last night with a 103 fever. He's had a cough for a few days and had been kind of fussy, but last night was impossible. He woke up all night long. And was so restless. Today hasn't been much better. He went to sleep only when being held, so he and I took a couple naps on the couch. I just felt so bad for the little guy. He was so sad! Every other time he's been sick, he's still been mr. smiles. Not this time. He was just a little quiet sniffling snuggle bug.

Tonight, he fell asleep in my arms so I tried putting him in his bed. He kept waking up and crying. Finally after like the third time I decided to just let him cry for a minute while I started dinner. He cried for about 10-15 minutes. When I went in there to rescue him he had apparently thrown up and laid his poor little face and head in it. I felt awful, to say the least. He got a nice little bath and stayed up for a while. Finally he must have just been too tired to resist any longer because he fell asleep in his crib while I patted him on his back. And he's been asleep ever since. I just hope he stays that way. We both need it.

Troy's taking him to the doctor tomorrow, so I don't have to miss work. Yay for daddies!

I don't wanna!

I don't wanna go back to the denist! I don't wanna!!! (imagine me pouting and whining that in the whiniest voice ever).

I have to have that same stupid tooth worked on for the third time! Last time I was there for 2 and a half hours and they still weren't done. Apparently I have like the weirdest, twistediest(that's totally a word), annoying teeth ever. TWO dentists worked on me.

And I have to go back today. Joy.

But today is friday so I can survive. And tomorrow's Saturday and I get to see all my friends, so I'll definitely survive!!!

But I don't wanna go!!!!

Girls Night out Specifics!

First off, I am sooooo super excited about this night! I can't wait!

The best showtime is the 7:55 Made of Honor on Saturday. We can just meet there. I think I'm gonna skip out on dinner to save money (although I will use what money I saved on eating out to buy the extra buttery popcorn...).

After the movie, we'll decide if we want to call it a night (which I might because my husband has a thing that night too...) or hang out somewhere afterwards.

And, because we're girls and all, I'll tell you my plans for attire. I'm thinkin' of getting kinda dressy. :) But that can just be me.

I can't wait!

Oh, and my definition of dressy does often include jeans. So not that dressy.

I am...

Remember that I am poem thing we all wrote a while back.

Today, I began the file cleaning out process for the end of the year. I found this.

I am full of doubt, but clinging to hope
I wonder if I am good at this
I hear whispers of doubt swirling around my mind
I see glimpses of failure flashing before me
I want to be the best, do my best, help my students be their best
I am full of doubt, but clinging to hope.

I pretend I have it all together
I feel so overwhelmed and uncertain
I touch my student's lives or do I?
I worry that I will never be good enough
I cry when I have let others down.
I am full of doubt, but clinging to hope

I understand that I cannot be perfect, but I want to be
I say that I am giving my best, but am I?
I dream that I won't fail, that success is right around the corner
I try to be everything, but I can't
I hope that I will not disappoint myself, my friends, my students, my husband, my son
I am full of doubt, but clinging to hope.

I wrote that as an example my first year of teaching. That was exactly how I felt. I was so unsure of every thing I did that first year. I still doubt myself a lot now, but I wing it a lot better now. It was just neat reading it again and remembering those first days.

And now I'm in the last days....for now, anyway.

Cleaning out these files might take a while....

Grant, the incredibly unpredictable child

Last night he slept just fine. He mumbled a bit about 30 minutes after I put him in bed, but that's it. And he slept the whole night through...unless Troy got up with him without my knowing which could have happened since I was all but dead, I was so tired.

I wonder what tonight holds...

Grant, the incredible non sleeping child.

He was up. all. night.

all. night.

11pm...1 am...2:30...4...

At four he thought it was great fun to smile and giggle and laugh at his dear sweet mother. I didn't enjoy the sweet fun. Finally after about 30 minutes of attempting to get him to sleep, I caved and brought him to bed with me. After a few more minutes of his little hands grabbing my nose and hair, and giggles when I would open my eyes, he finally fell asleep only to wake up again at 6.

I currently have two cups of coffee surging through my blood vessels. It's doing very little to help ease my desire to take a nap on my classroom floor.

I think tonight might be the night he cries until the end. I think that's what he needs to do. He wasn't in pain...unless not being rocked is considered pain. He just loves me too much. And I guess that's not a terrible problem to have....

Sunday night Observations

Why do I always get the jacked up basket in Target? The one that pulls strongly to the right while making an awful grating noise. And why am I too lazy to turn around and change it out?

Why do people let their kids throw all out, screaming, crying, on-the-floor fits in a store and not do anything about it? Now, don't get me wrong. My children have and will throw many tantrums in their day. But I also know that a good beating is essential every once in a while. I mean, come on! Take them outside and do something to help the situation. SOMETHING. Don't just let them scream like maniacs. Seriously. Don't they know I go to Target to get away from screaming children...

Why do I never want to go to sleep on Sunday night? Oh, that's right. Monday.

How is it that after washing my car yesterday, it's dirtier today? I was attempting to get a tan so I did it in the heat of the afternoon. Before I could dry it the water was sucked into the atmosphere leaving splotches and drips and general ickyness. I got neither a tan nor a clean car. What a bummer.

Grant has suddenly decided sleep is an unnecessary requirement for healthy living. He does not want to go to bed. Now, once he's asleep, good and asleep, he's done for. But getting him to that point is ridiculous. We have elected to let him cry for 10 minutes before I go check on him again. So I have entered into that twilight zone of time relativity when your child is crying and each minute feels like an eternity. An absolute eternity.

I have no more observations as all I can think of is my child who is in the depths of bedtime despair. 3 more minutes. I can do this....

Happy Mother's Day Grandi!

Grandi, I am so glad to have you in my life. You are the best Grandi there is! Mason adores you so very much. He talks about you all the time and really, really wants you to come visit. So come! I hope you know how much you mean to all of us and how much we're looking forward to our lives settling down during summer so we can see you more.

And I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your son. He is the best husband and father a girl could ask for. He is kind and patient and loving and funny. You did an amazing job with him. I only hope that one day my boys will be the kind of husband and father Troy is. So thank you. Thank you for raising the man that became my other half.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hmmm. What to say...

I really feel like writing as I have had quite a day. QUITE a day.

But I don't really know what to blog about.

Hmmm....Mom's and Muffins was this morning. There's just nothing quite like seeing your son sing "I have a very special friend and mommy is her name-o. M-O-M-M-Y...." It can melt your heart. He was so cute this morning. He's been excited about this all week, and knew that we had to get to school early this morning. I am attempting to do something more than stare at myself in the bathroom mirror at about 6am, when he stumbles in, eyes still closed and his hair sticking up in every direction, and says, "We have to get up early today. Did we? " "Uh, yeah." Cute little guy.

Last night was awards. I didn't get home until like 9 because I CHOSE to help put away chairs and put the cafeteria back together. This may sound terrible, but I wanted to get home after the boys were already in bed. It's been a really rough week, and I just didn't want to have to do bedtime. Am I a terrible mother? Probably.

I am leaving teaching. I know I already wrote my wishy washy, fickle, I don't wanna go post, but it's so weird how I feel about leaving. I think I feel this way because I know that I am for real. My first year I wanted to make it happen so bad, but I think I knew deep down, it wasn't meant to be. And then last year, I had no clue what was going to happen. But this time, I know I am done. Part of me gets butterflies of joy when I think this. Part of me gets a little pang of sadness.

Especially after my evening. Today, my team and I left school in a LIMO and drove around town just drinking wine and laughing till we cried. I am quite the lightweight apparently. I had 2 little glasses and was quite giggly. I also hadn't eaten anything all day, so that didn't help. But, oh, it was so much fun. So soo much fun. I really like my team this year. I have every year. That doesn't happen often, I am thinking. To really love the people you work with for three years in a row - that's not common. But I have. They want me to be their personal team tutor next year, if they're all together. That would be so fun. I don't know if it will happen, but I'd really like that. I think it would make leaving a little less sad.

Um, what else? Grant is getting a bit more mobile. He is scooting everywhere, but goes backwards. Mason did that. He's also turning into a momma's boy. He'll see me and kind of fall into me with a grin and big grabby hands. It's terribly hard to resist so I often don't.

If I don't do laundry this week, I am going to be naked at school next week. That might make my summer break start a little bit earlier...Hmmm.

I think my 7th period and I have grown to love one another. Once I accepted them for who they are, a crazy loud bunch, I started to like them. And I think they like me. They're not bad. They're just friends. I don't dread their arrival anymore. I almost look forward to them because we can have fun now. The only bad thing about them though is that I know they would eat a sub alive at this point in the year. So I can't have a day off. I just can't. 14 more days.

I am so rambling.

My mom is in Alabama or Georgia, I think, helping out with tornado victims. So I won't get to see her on mother's day. But we'll make up for it, i am sure.... :) Summer.

Okay, I guess that is enough rambling for one night.

Girl's Night Out!

Pending how many RSVP's I get, here are details.

Who: Everyone who reads this blog is invited. If you're a girl. And even if you don't read this blog, but someone you know does and they told you about the girl's night, then still come.

When: Next saturday, pending showtimes, maybe a 6-7ish showtime. That will leave time for coffee or something afterwards if desired.

Where: Um, the movies. Duh. :) But I guess we could have dinner too. But I am thinking greasy popcorn will be my dinner. And stowaway candy...

Why: Because we all deserve it. In the most desperate of ways.

So get sitters or hubbies lined up. Mark it on your calendar. Don't get sick or allow your children to do so.

And please don't make me go alone. Please.

An Unexpected Emotion

I have about 16-17 days left of school.

If possible, are you sitting down?, if possible, I think I am getting a little sad about it.

Notice the inclusion of the word little in that sentence.


Last night was the NJHS Induction ceremony at school. I got to watch my 6th graders, a few of them, walk across the stage, all dressed up and cute, join National Junior Honor Society. They were so very cute. But in addition to my 6th graders being there, so were my students from last year. Some of 'em anyway.

And it was so good to see them.

They just oohed and aaahed over Grant. One boy saw him and unashamedly and wide eyed said, "I can't believe he was in you. That is too cool." You'd have to know Taylor to know that he was truly, deep down, amazed at this miracle, not trying to be weird. And they're just so sweet. It just made me sad to see them all grown up and pretty. Students like Nolan and Moriah and Haydn and Lauren and Lauren and Emily and Duncan. Duncan! I loved Duncan! He was such a cool dork. On Pajama day he wore blue flannel pajamas with clouds on them. No one, no one but Duncan could pull that off.

I don't know. I guess it just made me think about what I am giving up. And I know I am gaining the world, but still. It's hard for me to let any part of my life go and, I guess, this is no different.

It's not like teaching is some waste of time career, you know. It's pretty important. I'd even go so far as to say, THE most important. And I'm a part of it. And I've maybe made a difference in one of the 360 or so students I've had in the past three years. I hope I have. Just one, at least, I hope. Miguel comes to mind. I despised him the first weeks of my first year, but then, slowly he grew on me until he was my favorite. I think our team saved him. But we won't ever know because he moved away in 8th grade.

My teams. The teachers I work with. I'm leaving them too. I like my school. I like my principal. I like my classroom and how it's right next to the library and right next to the assistant principal. I like...it all. I like teaching writing. I like seeing a kid get that they can just putting words together on the page can make someone laugh or cry or smile or remember. I like seeing them get it. I like making them laugh even if its usually because I've done something clumsy or stupid. I like my students. Sometimes, as a whole, they drive me nuts, but individually, I like em all.

I just wish I could have it all, you know? I know staying at home is what I really want and need, but it's still a bitter goodbye.

I'll be back, I know it. But that scares me too. I've had a pretty great three years here. I mean I've had a few rough kids and I have slaved away for TAKS, but I am on a great campus with a great staff with a principal who I like working for. I don't think I'll ever top this.

I'm rambling. I don't know my point. But I just wanted to write. Perhaps this is where the blahness is coming from. I'm ready to say hi to the next chapter, but not goodbye to the old one.

I'm sure that the next 16 days will change my mind. Right?

That's all.

An overwhelming sense of blah-ness

It's just been a blah day....week. Blah.

I don't really know what it is.

I just feel like...I keep saying and doing the wrong everything. Sort of.

Could this be more vague? But it's not intentionally vague because I truly don't know why I feel this way...

And Grant keeps waking up and I want him to just sleep.

And commercials are too long.

And summer is not getting here fast enough.

And my computer at school crashed and I think I've lost a lot of files and it did this on Monday and no one has come to help me.

And the stupid Softball team won too much this season so Troy's working until like 10 every day this week because they're hosting regionals and he was already out of town wednesday through saturday of last week.

And I had a thing at work today and didn't get home until 8.

And I have another thing on Thursday, too. But longer...

And I'm hungry, but I don't want to cook.

And...I think we've pinpointed some possible sources for the blahness.

And tomorrow's only Wednesday...wednesday...

Blllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh......


Now that my blahness has, no doubt, negatively affected you, I must go. But before I do, I propose a mandatory girls night. I am aching to see that movie, Made of Honor, as I am a) a fan of dempsey, b) I might kill myself if I don't get out soon c) a huge fan of smitten-boy-clueless-girl love stories(wonder why?). So I suggest that we plan it - for like next Friday? Or Saturday? Or whenever will get us the largest, most insanely fun group of girls giggling in the theater.

Are you game? And please don't let the blah speech sway your decision...really. :)

The Re -released installment.

I am in a very wishy washy sate of mind today. I posted it, then reread it at school and it felt kind of silly so I retracted it, but then two people emailed about it and so I am now again, publishing it.

And, like I said in another post that was also deleted. I was stupid in high school, plain and simple. I made some serious mistakes that I have always regretted. I could have very easily glazed over that, and to some degree, I did, but to really understand why troy meant so much to me then as he does now, the mistakes had to be there. I hope I don't offend you or...disappoint you or something. I've always tried to maintain an image of perfection. (I said tried, people) But that's a hard way to live. So there we go.

It's long. 10 pages in a word document. So pace yourself.

the HEB parking lot

Jenny sat at her vanity in her room. Oldies were playing as she carefully curled her hair. She smiled at her reflection, giddy with joy. Tonight was the night. She just knew it. She had to look perfect. She pulled on jeans and a white tee shirt that had a pocket on its sleeve. Troy, for some reason, liked that shirt. Then she opened the drawer she kept her jewelry in. In the back was a small box of rings, all turtle rings. They were ridiculous, but she loved them. As she looked at them she flashed back to her 2nd Corpus trip with Troy. She saw Troy's fingers laced through her own, rubbing his thumb over each ring and smiling at her. She stopped wearing them when Jess, a former boyfriend, made fun of them. She had given up so much of herself to be with him, she didn't hardly know who she was anymore. She glanced up at her reflection and just stared at herself.

She wasn't the same person she had been. She had learned a lot the last two years about herself, things she didn't really like. She had let parts of her change just to be accepted by guys who never valued her. If they had, they wouldn't have tried to change her. They wouldn't have made her cry.

She remembered having a conversation with her dad about Parker. She casually mentioned that he didn't like her to wear shorts that were too short. Her dad firmly expressed how scary that was to him. "Jenny," he said, "any person that tries to control you without any authority to do so is dangerous. No one, but your mother and I, should have any power over you." Her dad was soft spoken and kind, and only spoke in that tone when he felt very passionate about the topic at hand.

After those words, she began to notice more and more things about Parker and the way he treated her, like she was his property or something. He didn't like her friends and they didn't like him. He wanted her all to himself, all the time. And Jenny was blind to it for so long.
As she looked at her face in the mirror, she felt so ugly, so undeserving of anything good. Why would Troy want this girl back? She wasn't the same Jenny he fell in love with in Corpus. And he knew all about...everything. How could he forgive her of that? A hot tear rolled slowly down her cheek. She didn't deserve him. He was perfect. She was anything but. She rested her head on the edge of the vanity and cried. Tears fell steadily on her jeans, as she heaved great painful sobs of regret. She knew what she had done had been wrong, but now, now that she wanted to win back the man to whom she would want to give everything, she realized, she couldn't. Someone else already had, forever, a piece of her. Her heart split in two with an ache she had suppressed for so long. Every barrier holding back the emotion she had forever blocked out came tumbling down. She slumped to the floor, leaned against her bed and cried deep suffocating sobs. He could never love her now.

Finally, when there were no more tears, she peeled herself off the floor, and wiped her face with the back of her hand. Her favorite turtle ring flopped open and she smiled. Troy once wrote "I love you" on a tiny piece of paper and put it in that ring for her to find later. Troy knew everything and he had never treated her differently. She had messed up in the worst way, but he already knew that and, so far, that hadn't changed anything. Maybe it wouldn't now.

After having to completely redo her make-up, she was running late. She scrambled to throw herself together, said bye to her parents, and sped off in Ruby.

After her crying spell, the nervous excitement of the day had diminished some, but as she pulled into the parking lot, and saw Troy casually sitting on the bench outside HEB, her heart began to pound as that now familiar heat washed over her.
He smiled as she pulled up to him, "Need a ride, hot stuff?" She joked.
He grinned, "Yeah, I'm headed to the area of Meadowlakes. You headed that way?"
"I am now." She played back, knowing the night ahead would be one to remember.

As he climbed into her '89 dodge colt, she got a little nervous. Her car was a piece and she hated driving people, besides her friends, around.
"So, you inherited good ol' Ruby from Josh?" Troy asked.
"Oh, yeah, quite the heirloom. The speedometer doesn't work now. It's fun trying to guess how fast I am going..."

He was watching her shift gears as he told her what streets to turn down. His eyes on her were making her nervous as she approached her worst fear - a stop sign on a hill.
Don't stall. Don't stall. Don't stall.
When her turn came to go, she peeled out through the stop sign, making the wheels squeal as she slammed down the gas too quickly. They both lurched forward, then jerked back.
She laughed hysterically. "I am so sorry! I hate hills. I hate 'em. I stall out or peel out every time!" She explained, still laughing.
He was laughing, too, as he said, "Well, I barely know how to drive standard, so I'm impressed."

Finally, they made it to Adam's house, unharmed from the drive, parked and headed in. Adam was just putting Armageddon into some new VCR thing called a DVD player, explaining to everyone who would listen the advantages of this new technology when he saw Jenny and Troy enter the room.
"Hey, you made it...about time." He stood up, towering his 6' 6" frame over Jenny and smiled a knowing smile. She had always liked Adam - he was extremely funny and nice and was the first guy to give her a rose. He took her to homecoming her freshman year. It was weird to think he even did that...She knew he knew what her plans were for the evening and it was nice to have his silent support.

"Yeah, I was late picking him up. Thanks for inviting me. Really, you have no idea..." She said. Troy smiled at her as she said the last part. And she grinned right back at him.

Soon enough, the movie started and Jenny and Troy were sitting on opposite ends of the leather love seat. At first, they just watched the movie, every once in a while laughing or making a comment about Bruce Willis trying be serious.
Then he said, "I see the turtle rings are back."
"Yeah...I felt it was time. I missed 'em."
"Let me see." Troy said.
Jenny's heart raced as she put out her hands to reveal the rings. When he took her hands in his, she practically melted into a puddle on the floor. She blushed deeply and looked down at her hands being held by his. He flipped her favorite one open and smiled.
"That's the best one."
"Yeah." She said looking at his big hands holding hers, finally, again. They dropped hands but were now right next to each other. They stayed like that for the rest of the movie, hardly even noticing it was still on. Jenny sat cross legged facing him, her bent knee over his thigh and they just talked...about nothing at all. They laughed and flirted, teased and talked. The flow of conversation was just so easy and unforced. She loved to just be near him.
"Nice shirt." Troy commented, sliding his finger into the teeny tiny pocket on her right shoulder.
"I wore it just for you." She said boldly, with a smirk.
He raised an eyebrow, "Oh, really?"
"Yes, really. I know you've always liked and it makes me feel hot. I know that's a conceited thing to say, but I wanted to feel hot tonight. I didn't say it made me hot, it just makes me feel hot." She said, loving that she could be so bluntly honest and know that he didn't think a thing about it.
"No, it makes you hot." He said grinning.She laughed and tossed her hair. They were practically facing each other now, shoulders touching as Jenny was all but sitting on his lap as he laid his hand on the bent leg resting on his thigh. Butterflies of excitement fluttered through out her whole body as she summoned the courage to lay her hand on his, slightly wrapping her fingers over his. He leaned into her and whispered, sending chills down her neck and back, "You wanna go for a drive or something? Get away for a while?"
Breathless, she nodded closing her eyes for a split second.
"I'll be back." he said suddenly and stood up.
"O...kay." she said unsure of where he was going.

Now she was left alone with only a few people who she barely knew. Except one person. Jess. The guy she dated before Parker. The guy who single-handedly destroyed her self image in one short month. She didn't like Parker, but she hated Jess. With every fiber of her being. He would be the guy she would never forgive, the person she would think of during sermons in church about forgiveness. It wasn't just what he did to her, but the complete disregard for his actions. He had no remorse, never an apology.

He was sitting on the opposite side of the room from Jenny when he caught her eye. He grinned devilishly at her and said, "Well, you look like you're having a great time."
"Yeah, I am." She replied looking away as he stood up and made his way across the room to join her on the love seat.
"You know, I'm glad you finally wised up about Parker." He said staring at her coolly, "He was such a jerk."
There are some things certain people just can't say. This was one of them. Yeah, Parker was a jerk, but Jess was in a class all his own. He, of all people, had no right to say anyone was a jerk.
"He's a prince compared to you." She said with every ounce of anger and maliciousness she had within her.
He held his cool grin,his white teeth gleaming as he leaned back in the sofa. He let his eyes wander slowly over her body. His stare had always made her self conscious, completely out of place in her own skin and this night was no different.

"And now Troy, again." He continued, his emphasis on the last word mocking her. "He's a good guy. But..."

Her face red with fury, she stopped him mid-sentence, "He's the best guy. The only guy. The...guy. He's not some self righteous...pig that... manipulates people. You're not even in the same class as him. Not even in the same...same..." She hated that she could never find the right words when she most wanted to.
"Woah, woah, woah," Jess laughed casually, "Calm down, Jenny, no need to get all upset. I was just going to suggest you be on your own for a while."
She hated that he didn't even seemed phased by her anger, that he was oblivious to the palpable hate she had for him. And now he was giving her advice.

"Alone for a while? Being with you made me feel more alone than I ever have in my life. Being with you was worse than being alone. And since when do you think about anyone besides yourself? Do me a favor, Jess, and stop pretending to care for me, or about anything besides yourself." She stood up, red and shaking as she turned to go outside. She heard Jess chuckling to himself and fury raged within her. Every part of her being wanted to turn around and beat the living snot out of him.

Standing in the night air, she tried to cool down, to forget him. Jess was in the past. She needed to leave him there.
"Hey," she heard Troy say, "What are you doing out here?"
"I hate that guy." She said, spitting the words out with disgust.
"Who? Jess. He's a jerk. I didn't know he was going to be here. Did he say something to you?"
"I hate that I can't ever shake him, that he's always so cool, or thinks he's so cool. The way he looks at me like I'm a joke. I just wish I could make him hurt, physically hurt deep down the way he..." Her sentence faded into the night air as she saw Troy's face grow cloudy. "Whatever. He's in the past and I like...now." She finished, forcing a smile.
"What did he say to you?" He asked, a hint of anger boiling within his voice.
"He suggested I be alone for a while." She answered, looking away. "As if he has any idea what's good for me...."
"Maybe you should be...you know, be on your own for a while. It might be good..." His voice trailed off as he looked out at the parked cars in front of Adam's house. For a moment she was terrified he was trying to find a way out of what was happening between them, but then she realized that he was just trying to say what he thought he should.
She turned to face him. "I have been alone for two years. I may have had a boyfriend, but I was alone. I am sick of alone. I'm ready for..." She couldn't think of a good way to end the sentence.
"A drive?" he filled in, dangling Lee's keys from his finger.
"Ooh! The Mustang! He's a good guy, Lee." Jenny bubbled up instantly, the conversation with Jess forgotten.
"Yeah, he is." Troy agreed as they made their way to Lee's brand new white mustang.They climbed in and sped away, leaving Jess and the party behind them.

At first they just sat, listening to the radio, not really saying much. Then Jenny asked, "So, I never heard, what happened between you and Crystal? Why'd you break up?"

"Well," he began. "She was great. She was pretty, athletic, funny, outgoing..."Jenny did not like where this was going.
"Okay, I get it." She laughed, "Don't beat me to death with it. I asked why you broke up. Usually that's when you point out her flaws."
He grinned and looked out at the road as he said, "She wasn't you."
Jenny's heart all but stopped beating. She didn't know what to say to that, so she attempted to be funny.
"Well," she said with sarcasm, "No one is. I mean, I am pret-tee amazing."
His eyes still on the road in front of them, he said, "No, I'm serious. She really was, is a great girl. I liked spending time with her and I tried to make me, make us work, but, then I'd see you and I knew it was pointless. I had to have you back."
Jenny, suddenly had absolutely no words as her body began to literally tremble with every possible emotion. Troy seemed unusually calm, very out of character for him during conversations like this.
"That's why I broke up with her," he continued, "I wanted you back and I knew it was wrong to be with someone else when I felt that way. Seeing you with Parker every day and then hearing about all your fights... I thought you'd never get out. When you told me that you and Parker broke up, I couldn't...I mean, I was...It was great news."
Jenny finally managed to squeak out a pathetic, "Yeah?" before he went on.
"Then, when we were at the movies, you treated me just like you always do, a friend, and then when you wouldn't just tell me what you were thinking, I was afraid you were regretting the break up. That's why I was acting so weird...I couldn't imagine seeing you with that jerk again. I had to have you back. It's always been and always will be you." He finished.
Jenny took a deep breath. He had put it all out there, plain and simple. There was no sugar coating, no charm, just cold, hard facts.
And she wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
Now, it was her turn. Trying to control her body as she actually shivered with excitement, she began, "Wow. Okay, so, I am not as good at these kind of conversations as you apparently are, so I'll just start." Troy smiled as she began.

"I kind of got lost in Parker. At first, I really did like him, but then he just turned into this...controlling jerk. But I couldn't just give up. It was like a challenge to fix him, to change him. I had to make it, us work. After Jess and I, my self esteem was gone and Parker, at first, built that right back up. Staying with him was what I thought I had to do. I couldn't fail again."

Troy nodded and glanced at her as he drove towards horseshoe bay.

"But then it just got worse and worse. I didn't really want to stay with him, but I was so caught up in it. I really thought he adored me, but he somehow was...just destroying me. I was just so...so upset all the time. We fought all the time..But I didn't want to let it go for some stupid reason. I just felt like if I could just be good enough or something, it'd work out. But then, do you remember that day a few weeks ago, when I saw you at the basketball tournament?"
"At school, during lunch?" He asked.
She nodded and continued, "I knew then that it would be okay...if I could get you back. Later that same day, I was in dance class and my teacher had us do this really weird thing where we laid on the floor and listened to music to relax. She played Angel by Sarah Ma -whatever-her-name-is. I just laid there... and cried. At that moment, I knew Parker and I were going to break up and it broke my heart,. As bad as he was, it still hurt to lose something I was so used to... But then, about halfway through the song, I thought about you. And I knew, if I could just win you back, it'd be okay. I knew you were always the one I'd end up with, but I was an idiot that thought maybe I should make sure you were the one by dating complete jerks."

His face was serious as she continued quickly.

"About a week after Parker and I got together, I was talking to Cristy, telling her about him, and I told her that I didn't know why I was even dating Parker, because I knew, in the end, I would marry you. I knew we were meant to be. I really thought Parker and I would date for a few weeks at most, but then it just kept going. Then I heard you were dating Crystal, and I figured there was no chance for me and you. That made me want to make it work with Parker even more."
Jenny knew she was rambling."So, I am probably saying way too much. I'm sorry. I -"
"No, you're not." He interrupted with a smile.
"Good, I just want you to know why I was so stupid."
"You weren't stupid."
"Yeah, I was....anyway, when Parker broke up with me, I knew that I had to get you back. At the movies, I had this terrible thought that you were only there because Richard liked me -"
"What?" He said, shocked.
"Well, you were weird that night. You let him just talk and talk and you hardly said a word-"
"It's Richard," he explained, "you can't keep him from talking."
"That's true," Jenny agreed with a laugh. "But, I guess, it was hard for me to believe you'd want me back...that you'd feel the same way. I did break up with you twice and...then, everything else."
"Yeah, you did pretty much rip my heart out twice. You better not do that again." He said with a grin.
"I know. I'm sorry, but I think it was good... in a very odd kind of way. I mean, if I hadn't broken up with you and I hadn't dated other idiot jerks, then I would maybe never have realized how perfect you are."
"I'm not perfect."
"You're pretty dang close." She said with a smile. "Okay, I know this is off subject, but where the heck are we going?"
He laughed that wonderful laugh, "I have no idea. Adam told me there was this place somewhere up here...that overlooks something. I don't know."
"Oh, so you're driving me to some make-out hot spot?" She teased.
He blushed, "No! I mean, well, that's what it is...but I just wanted a place to go...to talk or whatever."
"Or whatever?"
"Shut up." He smiled. "I can't find it anyway, so where should we go?"
Jenny looked at the clock. 10:45. Her heart fell.
"I have to be home by eleven." She said as though she were stating the time of her execution.
"Aw, really?" he said, immediately slowing down the car to turn around. "I'm sorry. I didn't think about what time it is. I don't want you to get in trouble. I can't have you grounded, especially now..."
"Don't worry. My mom's always had a soft spot for you. When she finds out where I was, she'll let me off the hook...now, dad, that's a different story."
He sped up a bit, turning towards Adam's subdivision.

On the way back to Adam's, they just talked about randomness, neither one knowing how to get the conversation back to where they wanted it to be. Jenny was desperately trying to think of a way to stretch out the evening as they pulled in front of Adam's house. She could not leave yet. She didn't care about curfew. She was never late before. This being her first offense might save her from serious consequences. But how could she stretch out the evening? They couldn't say goodbye at Adam's. There were people everywhere. Then she had the most brilliant of all brilliant ideas.
"I don't know how to get out of meadowlakes!" She said suddenly, out of nowhere, like she had just solved the most difficult math problem she'd ever seen.
It took Troy a second to catch on. "Oh, well that is a major problem. I guess I'll just have to lead you out..."
Then Jenny realized that once he did that they wouldn't have a chance to say goodbye at all. They'd be in their cars. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
"Then what?" he asked.
Thank God!
"Then...HEB?" That was the best she could think of. The stupid HEB parking lot.
"O...kay." Troy said puzzled.
"I don't know! It's the best I can think of. I just don't want to leave yet."
He smiled. "Cool, let's go."

They climbed into their separate cars and Jenny followed him to HEB. She was grinning from ear to ear the whole way there, her heart racing as she replayed their conversation over in her mind again and again. They were back together, he hadn't officially said as much, but it was obvious. She had him back. He did like her, love her.

She couldn't believe that their evening was about to be over. She just wanted to sit and talk with him for hours, to make up for the last two years. Now that there was no worry of how he felt, they could talk about any and everything... and now she had to leave. Stupid curfews.

When they got to HEB, she parked and he pulled in right behind her. She got out and walked towards his car. He was grinning as she came towards him.
"This has been a great night." she said, emphasizing each word.
He leaned against Adam's car and smiled."I can't believe this happened. I never thought I'd get you back."
Jenny, turning to face him, leaned into him and took his hands."I know." She said grinning a huge, dorky grin.
"Jenny and Troy, again."
"Finally."
"Third time's a charm..."

They were looking at each other smiling and suddenly, Jenny knew they were going to kiss. They had to. If they didn't kiss now...this was the moment she had been dreaming of, waiting for, anticipating. She wrapped her hand around his neck as she rose up on tiptoes, until she was inches from his face. Troy eyes found hers, then his gaze dropped to her lips as he placed one hand on the small of her back. Slowly, they kissed. As they came together, she melted into him as the world seemed to dissolve around her. His arms tightened around her waist, then his hands rose slowly to her neck. After a short moment, she pulled away and he smiled down at her."You have no idea..." he breathed, his hands still holding her face close to his.
"...how long I've wanted to do that." She finished.
"Really?" He said, surprised.
"Are you kidding me?" Jenny giggled. "I about mauled you last night after the game."
"No way! I wanted to kiss you too, but I didn't know how you felt and then just when I was barely getting the courage to -"
"Adam!" They both said in unison.
"I know!" Jenny laughed. "I seriously wanted to knock him out...but I guess this was better. I had such a great time tonight."
"I know, me too." He kissed her again with a little more confidence this time and Jenny knew she had to go, for more reasons than one.
"I have...have to go." She whispered.
"I know. " He said, unwilling to let her out of his arms.
"I'll call you tomorrow?"
"Tonight."
"Tonight." She said pulling herself away.She lingered, wishing that she had forever to stand in that parking lot. Finally, she turned towards her car, reaching for her keys when she got to her door. When they weren't there, she looked back at Troy, and, dangling from his hand, were her keys. Without saying a word, she went towards him as he did the same, their pace quickening with every step until they were again in each other's arms, kissing as though they had no tomorrow. Jenny had been kissed before, but never, not once, like this. She had to summon every ounce of willpower to pull herself away.
"I have to go." she said breathlessly, "Or...I have to go."
"I know. I know..." He said, holding her against his chest.He released his embrace running his hand down her arm, lacing her fingers through his.She looked at their hands and said, "That, that, feels so good."
He smiled, kissed her on the forehead and then dropped her hand."You better go. If you get grounded or something and I can't see you until Monday at school, I will lose my mind."
"I'll call you. The moment I walk in the door...or the moment right after the moment I explain where I've been."
"Okay."
They stood there, both unwilling to move away from each other. Finally, with a deep sigh, she turned, walked to her car and climbed in.
She must have drove home, but she couldn't tell you how. Even when she came in 30 minutes past curfew, her dad's stern reprimand couldn't shake her. She was defining the phrase "walking on air."
As soon as she could get up to her room and dial the phone she did. And then they talked. They talked for hours into the night, about everything from the very silly to their future together. Finally, as the sun was peeking up over the horizon, they said goodbye and Jenny fell asleep knowing her dreams would never be better than her new reality.

Three things I never posted about, but totally meant to...

1. Grant has two teeth. Two little tiny saw-sharp teeth on the bottom. Mason's first teeth were his top canines. He looked like a little blond vampire. So, Grant's very normal arrival of teeth are much appreciated.

2. We got that statement in the mail the other day, you know, the one that tells you how much your new mortgage payment will be based on Taxes and your Homeowner's insurance. I opened it praying that it wouldn't go up more than x amount. It didn't. It actually went down. Our mortgage payment went down 40 a month, starting, June 1st. It gets better. In this same envelope there was a check for an amount we had somehow overpaid. He's amazing, that's all I can say...absolutely amazing.

3. IT'S MAY!!!! There are only 15 teaching days left until finals week. I finally really feel like I am on the downhill swing of things. I can't even tell you how excited I am. I can't believe I didn't post something sooner about that. It's just so very exciting to know that Summer is soon to arrive in all its splendid glory.

A new sidebar

I labeled all my Jenny and Troy posts. If you click on Jenny and Troy under "the full story," you'll get just that.

I thought that was a pretty cool feature and so I just figured out how I can have categories of photos on Sprinkle's blog. Yay!

So, I caved...

I wrote the next intallment. Because I started it before my last post, it's below the "darn shame" post.

It's called, "Another tomorrow."

And it's long. Like ridiculously long. Sorry if it bores you to tears.

It's just a shame...

I mean my PJ's are so comfy...and, gosh, the buttered pecan ice cream is going to be so dang good. Catch and Release or Becoming Jane?

It's just a shame you couldn't be here with me. A darn shame...

I guess I'll have nothing better to do than finish the evening up with another chapter.

Wait a minute! That was the master plan, wasn't it? You girls knew I couldn't write if you were here...

Perhaps I will just withhold the next chapter, which by the way, is the whole reason I started the whole thing. It's good, this one night that I am about to describe with painfully sappy detail. Gosh. You must be so bummed I foiled your perfect little plan.

No story for you! Ha!

:)

Another Tomorrow.

School was worse than expected. Not only did everyone know about the break-up, everyone had a very strong opinion about it. Opinions varied from "He's such a jerk. I can't believe you dated him as long as you did....You know he went to parties without you and did stuff...You were always way too good for that pig." to "You're gonna work it out, right? You're so cute together. And Parker still totally loves you...Give him another chance." But that wasn't the worst part.

Parker's best friend had been at the movie theater the night before. He saw Jenny with Richard and Troy and that kind of thing can definitely get the gossip wheel turning. But, Jenny didn't even care. Parker, the idiot, as Troy so eloquently put it, did, ultimately end the relationship. She was free to do what she wanted with whomever she wanted. She was shocked at how much she didn't care about the rumors. She knew the truth and that's all that mattered.


What she was unprepared for was the sudden attention she got from a different crowd all together. For some reason, suddenly she was the hottest thing to hit the market. Guys, the popular, could-have-any-girl-in-the-school guys were suddenly very talkative. But Jenny didn't care. She really didn't. She knew what they saw and she definitely knew what they wanted. she was not interested one bit.

All she cared about was going to that basketball game.

The school day was long and exhausting. She was sick of explaining and answering questions. She saw Parker a few times and he would make some stupid jerk remark to a friend as she walked by. The only good thing about the unending day was seeing Troy at lunch and around school. He, Richard and Adam did as they said they would. They met her, ate with her and made her laugh harder than she had in a long time. She felt so good with them. The layers of self doubt and self-consciousness built up by the past two relationships were peeling away. And Troy, she could tell, wanted to be near her. There was hope and, a great deal of it, in his actions. She just couldn't wait to be alone with him, if even for a moment.

Finally, finally, she was walking into the MFHS gym to watch Troy play. She spotted Richard in the crowd, off by himself, alone. She headed up to him with a big grin. Richard was a good guy and spending the evening next to his one-liners wouldn't be so bad.

"Hey!" She said plopping down beside him.
"Hey. What's up?" He responded.
"Nothing, just glad to be here." She answered.
"I bet." He said with a knowing grin.
"What's that supposed to mean?" She teased back, slapping his arm with the back of her hand.
"Oh, you know what it means. It's so obvious. You two.." He stopped, but Jenny didn't know why. Then she saw Spencer Chase two steps away from her, smiling that too-cool smile of his.
Great. Last year, Spencer, you would have had me at hello. Your timing's a little off...
"Hey, Jenny. Man, sorry to hear about you and Parker." He said in a genuinely fake voice. "He's an idiot to let you go."
"Yeah." She said flatly, trying to sound cool, nice, but uninterested. Even though she didn't like him, his good looks and bold confidence was unsettling. She felt so insignificant talking to guys like him.
"Well, this weekend a big group of us are hanging out at Ryan's. You should come out, get your mind off things. His house is awesome." He was sitting very close to her now, one arm leaned against the bleacher behind her back. His perfect blond hair combed to immaculate perfection accented his cool blue eyes and he leaned in closer, smiling, as his cologne swept over Jenny. It was at that moment that the team filed out of the locker room and onto the court. Her eyes searched and then found Troy and the butterflies in her stomach whirled rapidly. She looked right at Spencer, smiled coyly, then looked out at the court as she replied, "Yeah, I don't think so. I kind of have some plans, but, you know, if I get desperate, maybe."

The shock on his face was mild compared to Jenny's shock at her own words. Slowly, he took his arm down, leaned both elbows on his knees and said, "Well, if you change your mind, give me a call."
Looking at the court, Jenny replied through a smile oozing with charm, "Thanks, Spencer, really. But I think I'm good."
Ruffled, he got up and said with forced casualness, "Cool."

"You just turned down Spencer Chase. Yeah -You and Troy -I knew it was just a matter of time." said Richard as he watched Spencer go back to his posse of jocks.

"What are you talking about? I just don't want to go to some stupid party." Jenny replied, praying he would say more.

"Oh, come on. Last night at the movie, you, all giggly and flirty. Then coming to his game, and at lunch. You're all over him!"

"Whatever! I was not flirty last night! We hardly even talked and Troy's my friend. I just want to watch him play..." Jenny took a deep breath. "Plus, it's not like he's interested...right?"

"Um, yeah, I am pretty sure...Oh, great here we go again."

"Huh?" She said following Richard's eyes. Coming up towards her in long easy strides was Spencer's right hand man, Steven. Oh, for crying out loud.

"Hey, Jenny." Steven began.
"Hey," she sighed.
"You gotta give my boy a chance. He's really into you. And he's a good guy. Just hang out with him for a while."

"Into me? Really?" She questioned with sarcasm, "He doesn't even know me, Steven. And I'm just not interested. I just...want to be left alone for a while. No guys for a while."

"Oh, naw, he's not into anything serious. He just wants to hang out, get to know you." Steven argued.

Jenny wasn't good at being rude, or saying no or any form of confrontation, especially with people who were so confident in their every word.

"I'll think about it, okay. But I'm just really not...interested...right now. He's a nice guy, but..."

"Just come sit with us."

"No."

"Come on. What's the harm in sitting with us?"

Jenny took a deep breath and looked at that crowd. Spencer was smiling at her, but then glanced away when another guy play punched him in the arm. They were the popular kids, the group she had always secretly wanted to be a part of. They were so cool and now they wanted her to join them. She could just be nice and sit with them. What would be the harm in just sitting with them? She didn't like Spencer in any way, but that didn't mean she had to shun him. She glanced out at the court and saw Troy watching her from the bench. When he saw her looking at him, he quickly glanced away.

"No. I can't leave Richard all alone and, no. No thanks. I'm fine where I am." She stated firmly.

"Cool. Whatever. That's cool." Finally, he turned and left.


Jenny let out a deep breath and looked at Richard, "What's the deal there? Seriously!"
"You're fresh meat." He stated with a straight face. Then laughed.
"I cannot believe you just said that to me. Fresh meat. Jerk." Jenny laughed at Richard's teasing insult. "Fresh meat. I'm the same me, but apparently, somehow I am the new and improved version."


She had to somehow get the conversation back to she and Troy. But before she could creatively do that, Richard started on some tirade about Jocks and girls and that transformed into basketball conversation. She couldn't exactly just say, "So, yeah, I want to profess my love to your best friend. How do you think he's gonna respond to that?"

During the fourth quarter, the game began to unravel. Even Jenny, who knew next to nothing about sports, could sense the disaster happening on the court. And Coach Berkman looked mad. Real mad. A worry crept into her heart. Those words she had rehearsed all day wouldn't sound the same if they fell on defeated ears. Especially after one of Coach Berkman's famous rants. She glanced at Troy sitting on the bench. He no longer even looked towards the stands, but just sat edged on his seat, brows furrowed in frustration. He was far from happy.



When the final buzzer sounded, MFHS was three points shy of victory. Players sulked and slammed their way into the locker room, followed by an even angrier coach. This was not good. She should just leave. It was already late and Troy was mad and she had to be home before 11. Maybe tonight wasn't right.

But she had to at least see him. And talk to him. She couldn't leave without at least saying hi. She had to see him. When she got to her car, she sat on her hood and waited.

And waited.

And waited still. I should just leave. I've been sitting here for half an hour. He's going to think that's weird. And he may not even want to see me. He's probably still ticked from the game. But I can't leave. I just have to at least see him for a second. She couldn't peel herself away,
so she waited still.

Finally, she heard the gym door slam against the concrete wall as Troy's tall frame stormed out, silhouetted against the bright gym lights.

For the rest of her life, the way he looked in that moment would forever send a tingle down her spine.

Looking out at the parking lot, he took quick angry strides. His hair, still wet and tousled from the shower, allowed little droplets of water to run down his cheeks. His eyes were burning with frustration under a brow wrinkled in defeat. He frown was furious. His shirt, blowing against his chest from the wind, clung to the remaining wetness from his shower. He was, in that moment, indescribably sexy. There was no other word for it.

He stormed towards Adam's car, in the row before her own, and slammed his bag on the hood. Jenny knew instantly she shouldn't have stayed for so long. She would be the last person he wanted to see. She wished she could escape unseen somehow, but she was in plain sight. Quickly she scooted off her hood, and went to open her door.
"Jenny?" Her heart stopped, then beat with new vigor.
"Yeah, hey, I just - was waiting - hey." She stammered.
"For an hour?" Troy asked with a bit of annoyance.
"Yeah, um, I just wanted to, you know, say hi and...hi. But I have to go."
His voice softened as he said, "Really?"

Hope.

"Um, well, I need to be home by 11, but I kept thinking you, ya'll, would come out and so I just kept waiting, but I don't think you look like talking."
He came toward her, his blue eyes steady and hot, as beads of sweat mingled with the water running down his face. Jenny's hands began to shake as a cold burning sensation flared in her chest.
"No, I can talk. I'd love to talk. About anything but that stupid game."
"Well, good, because you know I am pretty much an idiot when it comes to basketball, so I certainly wouldn't help."
He laughed. He laughed. She loved his laugh.
As he got closer to his car, he sat on her hood, arms resting on his knees and looked at the gym. She joined him.
"That sucked. I screwed up that game, big time."
You said we weren't going to talk about basketball.
"And Coach was ticked. He just kept yelling at us. I mean, we know we screwed up, don't beat us to death with it." He continued.
He leaned back on his hand, placing it just inches away from Jenny's and looked at her.
"I can't believe you stayed this long."
His blue eyes held hers for a moment. He was right there, inches from her, and they were alone under the perfect night sky.
She ached to rest her hand on his, lean into him and slide her hand gently around his neck, into his wet hair, and kiss him. She was sick with excitement, but sat frozen next to him.
He looked away.
Jenny finally spoke. "Well, I just wanted to see you."
"Yeah, and apparently every guy in the school wanted to see you tonight." Teased Troy.
She giggled, "That was ridiculous. The thought of going out with any of them...yeah, right. I am just so sick of stupid guys that don't matter." Her eyes found his.
Just say it or just do it. Just kiss him and end with "I love you and I always will."
"Really? No guys for a while, huh?"
"No, just no stupid idiot guys who just like my blond hair, blue eyes, and long legs...I can't believe I just said that! That was so conceited. Sorry!"
"It's true though." He said with a grin.
"I don't know if I should be insulted or flattered by that remark!" Exclaimed Jenny.
"Complimented." He said looking straight into her eyes.
Her heart beat impossibly faster. He did like her. He did.
"Whatever." She replied, never one to take a compliment well, "The attention was nice. I mean, Spencer Chase...remember my huge crush on him last year? But I -"
"Then go for it, " he interrupted. "He's obviously into you. You should go for it."
What was he saying? Go for it. He wanted her to date someone else?
"No, way, I don't want any of those guys. I am sick of dating. I want to be done with the whole thing."
"Sure", he said, his voice falling as he turned away.
No, that's not what I meant. I just want you, Troy. I just want you, forever.
"I didn't mean no dating. It's just..."
"What?" He looked at her, his eyes burning straight into her soul, sending new sensations down to her toes. "And don't say, I don't know."
"It's just," She began. "It's just..."
It was finally happening, but she didn't know where to begin. Suddenly, the rehearsed words she had gone over a thousand times were gone, lost in him. She didn't know what to say first.
Just kiss him.
She was inches from him, could feel the heat radiating from his body. She ached to feel him, to hold his hand, to lean in and kiss the man she wanted to be with forever. He held her gaze for a moment, waiting for her to finish her sentence. She picked up her hand to place on his when suddenly, a door slammed in front of them and a few players came filing out. Adam being one of them.
"Hey, Jenny? What are you still doing here" He asked. Then, instantly his face changed...then he smiled."Yeah, um, I forgot my bag. I'll leave you two alone."
Troy looked at Jenny quickly, then stood up.
The moment was completely over.
There were several other people in the parking lot now and Troy was standing up, obviously embarrassed by the "leave you two alone" comment.

Jenny was crushed. She wanted to pummel Adam.

"Hey, Jenny," Adam said, his glance going from Troy's to hers, trying to find a way to help his buddy out, "Tomorrow night we're watching movies at my house and hanging out. You should come. We'll, Troy and a few others, will be there."

She had always adored Adam.

"Really, you sure?" She grinned at him with absolute gratefulness.
She looked at Troy to see his reaction. He was looking at Adam as though he wanted to hug him.
"Definitely." Troy began, grinning. "You should come."
"I'll be there." Jenny smiled at Troy, then Adam, "but I don't know how to get to your house."
Before Troy or Jenny could offer a suggestion, Adam said, "Drive to HEB, wait for Troy to get off at 7, and then ya'll can drive together to my house."
Jenny and Troy both smiled at Adam and then looked at each other.
"I'll be there. 7. Tomorrow. The HEB parking lot." She said.
Troy smiled, and her heart skipped a beat.

There was no doubt about it. They were going to get back together. Tomorrow night.

Everything would happen tomorrow night.

Just putting this out there...

Tonight, at about 9 pm, for the third night in a row, I will be watching a girly chick flick in my PJ's with a bowl of ice cream.

Perhaps, you would like to join me?

I know it's short notice and therefore fully expect a lot of no's, but if you wanna come...

But if you are interested in coming - the house will be far from clean. I've been living in single parent world for three days and have also chosen to write a rather melodramatic love saga instead of completing even the simplest of tasks at home. Enter at your own risk.

Call or comment if you're interested. And of course, no hurt feelings if I get no responses. I'll be happily enjoying my evening of Ice Cream and love stories either way. I just might be happier sharing it with a few gals...

And everyone is invited. Well, no boys. We have to talk about the boys... ;)

I am psycho

It's 1:33 am and I just finished that last entry in the Jenny/Troy saga.
I have school tomorrow.

That's why I stopped writing it. It consumes me.

But, now that my eyelids are deadweights willing me to sleep, sleep i must.

Good night and happy readshnerglemorfing....zzzz...xerglesnorf...zzz....

Something there.

Jenny climbed out of her rusted-out car ironically named "Ruby," as she was anything but a precious gem. She tossed her hair over her shoulder and saw him walking towards her car.

There's nothing quite like it - A tingly feeling that races through your body, it shakes you. The heart does not simply race, but beats in a whole new way. Every beat bolder, harder, deeper than the one before it. At the first sight of him, a shot of energy, from some unknown force, courses through the veins. As eyes catch, if even for just a moment, a cool heat tingles down your spine and settles into the swarm of butterflies whirling within you. Its an unmatched emotion, new love.

She couldn't help but smile. He smiled back and Richard looked out of place. But, of course, he was most oblivious to the fact that he was in an awkward position. Instead of noticing that he was the most obtrusive third wheel in existence, he spoke first.
"Geez, Jenny. What the heck is up with your shoes? They're like four inch heels but boots...They make your feet look tiny."
"They are not Richard. Whatever." Jenny joked back. "They're just shoes like everyone else wears."
She glanced at Troy, who, was, of course, now looking at her shoes. Not exactly the focal point she had hoped for.
"You're right man. Good grief. You're almost as tall as me...and where did your feet go?" Troy commented, still looking at her very normal black boots, peeking from beneath her jeans.
All Jenny could do was laugh, toss her curly blond hair nervously and start walking across the street towards the theater. The boys followed still mocking her shoes and, now, how she walked. This wasn't exactly going how she planned.

Waterboy was the only movie option because their small hometown had one theater and that one theater had one screen and that one screen only showed one movie for a week at a time. They bought their tickets and headed in. As they made their way down the dark aisle, Jenny followed Troy. She watched him take those long easy strides, unhurried, confident. Her stomach felt all tied up inside. The boys chose an aisle. Troy went first, Jenny second, and, of course, the third wheel with his giant drink and giant popcorn filed in after Jenny.

As soon as they sat down, Richard began talking. And just wouldn't stop. He just rambled on and on. Fortunately, he was, indeed, funny...and entertaining, she had to admit. So she sat and laughed at him as she settled in quite comfortably to watch a movie that she had no desire to see.

That feeling of uncontrollable excitement was eating her alive. He was gorgeous and his smile, his lips, his eyes...she wanted to tell him everything. Everything wrong with every other guy and everything so very right with him. She wanted him to know that, even while feeling so jittery from all these renewed feelings, he put her completely at ease. Completely. But she didn't and couldn't. This wasn't the time or place and, she realized, as she watched him from the corner of his eye, he may not feel the same way.

That realization came as a crushing blow. She had thought about that a dozen times before, but that was before he nonchalantly sat beside her, and before he let his friend talk her ear off while he watched the previews, before he let Richard pay her way in.

He may not want her back.

Why would he? She had broken up with him twice. She had dated other complete jerks and dragged him through the ups and downs of each relationship. She had shunned him when told. Hadn't even called when he broke up with Crystal. And had to find out from another friend that he had joined the Army Reserves.

He didn't want her back.

She had called him. Practically forced him into the movie invitation...the butterflies swirling within her collided into a heap at the bottom of her gut. And then she got it. Richard. He...liked her. Troy was doing this for him.

She felt positively ill. She wanted Troy and only Troy. And now. Immediately. Forever.

The movie ended and while crammed in the small aisle on the way out, Troy asked, "Hey, you okay? I mean, you're not gonna like go home and cry all night or anything?" He said it with a teasing smile, but there was an undercurrent of concern.
"No." Jenny replied as she glanced up at him. She loved that she had to glance up at him. Even in silly boots. It made her feel...like a girl. "No, I'm good. Not great, but I'll make it. Its just..."
They caught eyes as her sentence cut off.
Holding her eyes in a deep stare, he questioned, "just what?"
"It's just, I don't know." She replied, dropping her gaze to the ground quickly, her heart rate quickening.
"God, I hate it when you do that." As he moved in front of her.
"What?" jenny demanded, a little shocked at the sudden change in his voice.
" 'It's just, I don't know.' " He mimicked. "Just say what you were going to say. You never do that. Just say what you want to say."
It's just that I love you. That I want to call you mine, feel you wrap your arms around me forever, go to school every day knowing that I get to sit with you at lunch, have you walk me to class. That I want to kiss you for the first time. I want to kiss you and love you and forget about what the world would do if we were together the day after Parker and I broke up. It's just that I love you. You really want me to say that here?

"It's just that I don't want to go to school tomorrow and be alone." She finally said, looking out at the empty street. They were outside by this time.
"Alone? You're never alone. You've got friends." He said quickly, still sounding a shade under annoyed.
"Yeah, but you know...it's weird. Who do I sit with at lunch or hang out with before school and all the stupid questions..."
He softened a bit. "We'll find you. Richard, Adam and I. And you can eat lunch with us."
"Really? Thanks. You know most of my friends now are his friends...so...it's just gonna be weird..."
"Yeah, well, they can get over it. It's not like you did anything wrong. The idiot broke up with you, so no one should treat you weird."
Jenny grinned. The idiot broke up with you. There was some major hope in that.
"You're right!" She agreed. There was a chance...
"And," Richard interrupted. She had forgotten he was even there. "Tomorrow's Troy's Basketball game, if you need something to do tomorrow. I'm going...so we could sit together and I'd protect you from all the idiot jerks."
Yep, something was definitely up with Richard. But watching Troy play basketball was a beyond brilliant idea.
Jenny smiled at Richard and as charming as Miss O'hara herself, she said, "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

She turned to say goodbye to Troy, but he was already heading to the car. He tossed out a smiling bye and climbed in the car. She knew her face fell for a moment before forcing a cheery goodbye. Troy seemed so nonchalant...so painfully friendly. That's all she was to him anymore. A friend. And why not? He knew the details of every relationship. How could he let that go? She was his best friend, and that's all.

As Jenny climbed into her car, she wanted to cry. But she was sick of crying. She was sick of crying and giving up. She was going to fight for this. There had to be something there. There was. There had to be. It was in his eyes. His smile. There had to be something there...

She'd just tell him how she felt. She'd just do it. Tomorrow. After the game. She'd tell him and he'd smile that grin and she would feel his hand lace through hers and she could be Jenny once again. Tomorrow...