Worst mother on earth right here.

I took Grant to the doctor today. We were there for three hours. Me, mason and Grant. Fun times.

I was in the car headed to the bank and HEB when the nurse returned my phone call about Grant at 11:24. After describing his symptoms - a cough that seems to be getting better, NO fever, healthy appetite, but this little wheezing - the nurse acted like I was awful for not bringing him in immediately.

This was tick mark one in the "worst mother" column. I didn't know, okay? He's been happy and cheerful and sleeping great. I know now. Wheezing in any teeny tiny form should immediately be reported to a medical professional. I must have missed that section of Grant's owner's manual.

During the 11:24 am phone call I was told that I could have an appt at 11:30. Um, like six minutes from now 11:30? So I drove straight through the bank line without cashing a check that was, well, desperately needed, and headed for the doctor. No snacks. No bottle. No toys to occupy the elder child.

Tick mark two in the "worst mother" column.

When we arrive at the doctor I checked in and the waiting began. And seemingly never ended. The whole time I am sitting there I was just thinking what a horrible mother I am for not bringing him in sooner. These were my thoughts: "He's been cheerful. The cough was getting better. BUT, horrible mother, he's three months old and wheezing. Wheezing! And the cough has been around for a while. But, he's been sleeping so well. and never ran a fever and is super cheerful, BUT, you stupid mother who shouldn't be, your mom told you..." and so on.

After TWO hours of sitting in the waiting room with only two other people, we were called in. We had to see Dr. Young whose nurse made it very clear that "it's been very busy. There are only two doctors doing the work of eight..." She was nice though. Anyway, we go through the whole weighing (16.8 lbs), and temperature taking and interrogation of the inadequate mother, followed by another forty minute stint waiting for the actual doctor, who again interrogated me upon arrival.

Tick Mark three for waiting so long to bring him in. Tick Mark four for snapping at Mason a dozen times for petty things. Tick Mark five for not knowing the precise moment in time that the cough/wheezing/congestion began.

The Doctor busts out the stethoscope. Grant is adorably giggling through the whole examination. She says we are going to give him a breathing treatment and listen again.

We wait for the breathing treatment. It finally arrives. I cover my poor little baby's face with an a mask as medicine fogs around him. The guilt has hit a new high.

The doctor returns, listens again, washes her hands and then says, "If I were a betting person, I would bet he has RSV."

Tick Marks 6-10 for allowing your three month to somehow contract this horrible disease. Tick Marks 11-20 for not doing anything sooner.

So, we were sent home with a nebulizer and a prescription for arbu...tol...something and now Grant has to have breathing treatments every four hours until Wednesday when he has to go back to my doctor to make sure he actually has RSV and to see what we need to do.

So, after three hours at the doctor, an hour at HEB waiting for the prescription, finally at about 4 pm I feed both my children and myself.

Like I said worst mother on earth here.

So Grant has RSV. We will be homebound for some time....Except that Grant's first day of daycare is supposed to be on Thursday...

Absolute worst mother on earth.

Obviously he can't go to daycare. I have to go to work. Stupid dumb stupid stupid work. I have to figure this out. Sigh.

So here we are. Rock - Jenny - Hard Place.

It will work out. God willing it will work out.

God will it.

God, will it?

Christmas is over...

It's always a wee bit sad, isn't it?

I packed up all the christmas stuff yesterday. It's just kind of sad to see the house back to normal. But at the same time, it's nice to have the house back to normal.

I nearly cussed audibly while trying to rip the dang lights off the tree. Good Grief. What a pain in the hiney. I am making a trip to a few places today in desperate hopes that their is a super cheap prelit tree on sale somewhere. There are some things that are just worth paying for...

This year's Christmas was a lot different than I had hoped it would be. By the time I got out of school, I had little time before guests started arriving. My brother and sister in law came in on Saturday and it was so nice to have them here. They were only able to be here for one night due to work and a death in Kara's family. We don't get to see them near enough...Then on Sunday, Troy's mom arrived, followed on Monday by Troy's brother, Tim, and his girlfriend, Lori. We don't get to see them near enough either. My mom, Don, my sisters Gina and Bekah had been here since Friday.

So, by the time Christmas eve rolled around there were 12 people here. Let's just say there was no more room in the inn. It was fun and loud and very merry. Except Grant wasn't very merry. He was super fussy. He had a pretty bad cough and I think he is having a hard time adjusting to formula. Anyway, this is how Christmas Eve and Christmas Day went.

2pm: Mom, Cindy, Mason, Grant and I take a trip to Hobby Lobby. Those last minute deals, you see...
5pm: Discussions regarding the Christmas Eve Service begin. We had planned on going, but there were several obstacles. Don was feeling sick. I was feeling weird - like weak and faint and just weird. Grant was sick. Josh's plane(he is a pilot and had a very convenient overnight layover in San Angelo on Christmas Eve) didn't get in until 5:45. But we still went.
6pm: Christmas Eve service - wonderful, beautiful and perfect. Grant was fussy so I spent half of it in the lobby, but still, it was great.
7pm: Home for tamales and beans and queso. Yummy!
9:30: Tim and Lori arrive.
10pmish: A game of liverpool begins. It's like a ten round rummyish game. I didn't play because I anticipated Grant waking up. Of course, this was the one time he actually slept for a while.
10:30pm: Mason leaves gingerbread men and chocolate milk for Santa and apple slices for reindeer and then off to bed. I was really surprised at how fast he fell asleep. I thought the Santa excitement would keep him up forever!
1:30 am: Liverpool is still going. I start filling stockings. And setting up Mason's train set.
2:30 am: Finally crawl into bed. FYI Grant is in our room sleeping in his swing and Mason is sharing our bed with us. Like I said, the inn was full.
3:30 am: Grant wakes up screaming and coughing. He won't stop. He won't nurse. He won't do anything but cough. I rub him down with Vicks and troy sneaks into his room for the humidifier that we set up in our room
4:30 am: Grant finally is back asleep...on the floor with me holding him...with no blanket because all blankets were gone.
5:30 am: Grant is awake coughing again. and wakes up about every thirty minutes coughing uncontrollably.
8:00 am: By some miracle this is what time Mason woke up. Oh, but he peed in his pants...in our bed... nice.
8:15: Mason loves his train and totally loved opening his stocking. I loved seeing him so excited about all those little goodies.
10am: Opening presents and munching on delicious sausage balls - YUMMY!!!!

The rest of the day was great. We opened presents which was complete craziness. Anytime you have that many people all opening presents it will be mayhem. But it was great and I think everyone loved their presents. Mason cleaned up! Man alive! He is just at such a fun age to buy for. He loves his Geotrax train. He loves it!

So, Christmas was great even if I was a wee bit delirious from lack of sleep. But it was great.

But these are some things I want to change for next year:

The big one is that I think I am ready for Christmas to be just the four of us at our house. Don't get me wrong - i LOVE our families and I love spending time with them. Playing games, cooking together, watching them open our presents is great. But I think I am ready for it to be just us on actual Christmas day and then we will go to them like the next day. Is it bad to want that?

Also, I think next year we are going to set a budget for each person and stick to it. We did a pretty good job this year, but next year will be a little tighter since I hopefully won't be teaching. And I really hope people set a limit for us too. This was the first year that I was stressed out about christmas presents. I mean really stressed out. I just want to simplify...

And I am going to make presents for people next year. Not everyone, but at least mom and Cindy, and the boys. I just missed that excitement of seeing people open something I had made for them. I am going to make that a priority.

So, I guess that's it. I just wanted to write those things down so I could read this next year and remember what I was thinking.

It's been too long...

So you guessed it! Bullet post:

• You know what's great? When you actually get to church before eleven, all proud of yourself for being not just on time, but actually early to church for once. And then you discover that it's combined church sunday and church started at 10:30. Of course I immediately remembered seeing that in the bulletin at the Christmas Eve Service, but then Christmas happened. Like I can remember anything after that.
  
• Christmas was great! Our house was super full and the presents were a little crazy - spilling so far out from under the tree that we had to actually rearrange the furniture. It was a great first Christmas away from home.
  
• I go back to work on Thursday. Gag me. No, just kidding. The only thing I keep telling myself is "Five more months. Five more months. Five more months..." I do like my job, but I sure do love my kids a lot more.
  
• Grant is screaming. Those three bullets are all you're getting. Geez. He's NOT happy.
  

I only hope...

Today in advisory my students can decide to play mumball or make a scarf. They absolutely love to play mumball. It's actually a pretty cool classroom game. Anyway, I was taking a vote on who wanted to do what yesterday and one of my boys asks, "Do I have to make the scarf for me?" To which I replied, "Of course not."

So, I ask students to raise their hands if they wanted to make a scarf and this boy raises his hand. His buddies around him say with exasperation, "What are you doing?!" And the boy, hand still in the air, says, "You can make one for your mom, dude."

I only hope that when mason is a smelly 6th grade boy, he will still want to make me a gift over playing mumball.

Christmas Grant

Isn't this the cutest picture of Grant? My mom sent it to me at work. I love it!

Grant Memories.

Grant laughed for the first time last night. It was so adorable I almost cried! He was laying on his back wearing only a diaper. He is happiest naked. Loves it. He has been making those cute little squeals for a while now, but last night, when I tickled him under his double chin, he actually chuckled. It was wonderful. I called mom in to show her and he did it again. I love it. I have been thinking about him all day and wondering if he would chuckle for me again tonight...

When grant is upset, mom and I have started saying that he is "grumping." And that he has the "grumpers." When he is in this said state, he makes the saddest little face and cries the sound, "mmgeee...mmgeee.." I love it. I almost don't want to soothe him for a second because he is so cute when he is that kind of fussy.

He was dedicated on Sunday. I was so happy that my parents could be there for that. I was trying to explain what "being dedicated" meant to mason. It didn't go over so well. I said that we were giving him back to God and mason looked terrified. I can only imagine what he was thinking. So, we just said that we were praying for him and us to be the family God needs us to be. That was much better recieved.

For the record

I do know that I write in fragments quite often.
It's intentional. It's part of my "voice", my particular writing style. (whatever)
I just didn't want you guys thinking that I don't know what a complete sentence is, yet I teach English.
It's what I do. My trademark. How I think.

Just wanted to clear that up.
:)

PS. My students are watching polar express today. I have some down time, hence the two posts in 10 minutes. I suppose I should grade...or plan...or file...or...

Odd.

He did it again.
He slept through the night again.
How very odd.
In case you have forgotten, I don't make sleeping babies. I make nurse-around - the - clock, up-every-two-hours, non sleeping children.
But he slept for seven straight hours last night.
I know it won't happen again.
This is just some very odd happenstance of the stars aligning or God simply being fed up with my delirious tears.
It's just so odd.
But regardless,
Thank you Father for letting this mother sleep!

Christmas

When did Christmas get lost in christmas?

I was reading my sister's blog the other day and she was writing about all the things she loves about Christmas and I actually started to cry because I hadn't done any of them. Granted, I cry a lot here lately. I'm in a constant state of delirium, you see. No sleep = tears. But, still, how do I get so busy doing "Christmas" things that I don't enjoy Christmas? I've really tried this year, too, you know?
I've been picky about Christmas parties because I value my time at home so much. (Or I forgot okay? Are you happy? I forgot the woman's christmas party at church. Plumb forgot. I am a horrible, unsocial person right now.)
I've made good lists before I go shopping so I use my time wisely.
I keep reading the books to Mason.
The house is lit up like santa's work shop inside and out.
The presents, what few have actually been wrapped, have bows. Big pretty real-ribbon bows.
I haven't brought work home.
Christmas music plays all the time.
The puzzle is out.

So, here we are. One week till Christmas and all I feel is overwhelmed.
So, here's the list of what I haven't done.
I haven't made any gifts this year. This is really bothering me. Every year I make gifts for people. Something simple, but something homemade and from the heart. Mason does the same. This year it just isn't happening.
I haven't baked. Not one single thing. Not even chocolate covered pretzels.
I haven't, AGAIN, sent out picture christmas cards.
I haven't bought enough or done enough or gone enough.....

But it's all those "haven'ts" that make Christmas not Christmassy! So what do you do?

Quit. Quit it all.
I am going to just enjoy the rest of this week. What doesn't happen won't happen. And Christmas will still be Christmas. A day with family and to celebrate our faith.

I am going to do the things that for whatever reason make me feel like it's christmas because, for some odd reason, these things remind me of Christmases past, not because I should do them, but because I WANT to do them.
I am going to play pac- man and Galactica with Troy for hours, late into the night.
We're going to rake leaves in the freezing cold, at night, and jump in them.
I will bake, but just a few simple things like cinnamon hard candy that fills the house with a smell that is Christmas.
I am going to eat Sausage balls with my family on Christmas morning.
I am going to watch Lord of the Rings. Even if only for half an hour.
I'm going to buy Troy a completely fun and completely pointless gift.
I will listen to Christmas music until I can't stand it.
We're going to play Lord of the Rings Risk even though I get bored within the first ten minutes.
I'm going to work on the Christmas puzzle instead of...because that's what I WANT TO DO, DARN IT!
I'm going to find Mickey's Christmas Carol and watch it. I have to see that scene of the chipmunks fighting in the tree...Is that the same movie?
And I am going to remember why we celebrate this holiday in the first place.

This is my mission statement, if you will.
I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT until the 26th. I am going to enjoy Christmas and my family.

I am.

A Great Night

Tonight was nothing short of wonderful.

My team from school had our Christmas party. Her house is beautiful and fancy. It's not ritzy, snobby fancy, but comfortable pretty fancy. It makes you forget about cleaning and babies and laundry and ungraded papers.

We had simple special finger foods for dinner. Things like finger sandwiches, meatballs, these little tomatoes stuffed with cream cheese, and these little cheesecake-mouse-like chocolate desserts. We sat at the table and ate and talked and watched the foxes that come up to her house every night because she feeds them. It was so very relaxing.

But that's not all.

No, dear friends, that's not all.

On top of all those other things, we got massages. Yes, the kind where you sit in one of those little chairs and we each got a good 20-30 minute massage. It was heavenly. H-e-a-v-e-v-e-n-l-y.

It was a very nice grown up night. Relaxing and fancy at the same time... is that possible?

Now, I did wear jeans to this gathering and I took Grant who, by the way, was perfect. Only a few grumbles and many more giggles. It was a great night.

Sigh...such a great night.

Miracles happen!

I know this won't happen again.
I know this was a fluke.
I know this was simply a tease.

But...

Grant slept straight through the night last night!

From about 10pm to 7 am. That's nine hours people. It's amazing how much better I feel without waking up every two hours.

Now, of course all day I have been replaying whatever we might have done differently last night that made the impossible, possible.

I can't come up with anything.

The Sweetest Thing

Today one of the writing teachers on my team got engaged! And it happened in the sweetest way!!!!

She was called from her 2nd period class because supposedly Mr. Waters needed to see her. Of course, terrified, she left to go have this impromptu meeting. Well, after waiting several minutes for Mr. Waters, he showed up and just kept stalling, finally telling her that they would have to reschedule but that she wasn't in trouble.

So, she returns to her class. The teacher covering for her said that the kids had a question they needed to ask her. She said okay, and then across the room kids stood up and they had signs that spelled out "Will you marry me?" and then in walks her sweetie!

Now, is that not the absolute cutest thing ever? If I could get proposed to again, I think I would want something just like that!

Congratulations Courtney!!! I know you have many wonderfully happy moments ahead!!!

A Happy Post

After far too many unhappy, whiney posts, here are some things that have made me smile in the last few weeks.

Did I ever post that at Grant's two month check up he weighed 14 pounds! Wowzers. And I am almost certain he has put on a great deal of weight since then. I just make squishy, roly poly babies!

Mason took me on an "adventure" the other night. First he cut up all these tiny slips of paper, wrote h's, p's and other random marks on them and put them in a bowl. Then I had to draw one and hand it to him. He then would "read" it and say, "Oh, this says we have to go to the green room." and off we would go. ONce, there I had to look for the treasure, (blocks.) If I took too long in finding them, he would give me hints like, "Hmmm...i think maybe we should listen to some music." because there was a block hidden by the CD's. It was a very fun little adventure.

I get out, no, sorry, the kids get out at 12:45 on Thursday AND Friday before Christmas break. Can you imagine the wonderfulness in that? I have to stay until four, but without students. How very very very heavenly. I will have time to grade and plan and be ready for my return in January.

At our school's christmas party, we have drawings for prizes. Teams donate varied things and then we do a chinese Christmas thing to see who gets what. Well, when I stole some pens from the vault on Wednesday, I saw one of the team's prizes - the most beautiful basket of scrapbooking things. It had paper, ribbon, an album, flowers, colored brads, stamps, buttons, scissors...it was so wonderful. I told Troy that if I didn't win it he would have to get it for me for Christmas. So anyway at the party, it was the first thing given away and I just prayed all night that my number would be called so I could steal it from the Nurse Schumpert. But it never happened.
I was so very sad.
At the end of the party, I went over to look at it one more time and decide if Troy really should get it for me. And this is the conversation I had,
"I had to come look at this again, because i desperately want this for Christmas now that I haven't won it. "
Nurse: Honey you can have it.
Me: No! I couldn't take it.
Nurse: Please do. I don't have time to scrapbook at all. It will just sit there forever.
Me: But don't you have someone who would want it for Christmas.
Nurse: No, really, please take it. YOu just had a baby. You need it.
Me: But I couldn't!
Nurse's husband: Please, honey, just take it. It will just take up space in our house.
And so on for about 2-3 more minutes before I sheepishly walked away with it.
When Troy came back from the bathroom and saw me holding the basket in all its glory, he said, "What did you do?"
I got the basket! I got the scrapbooking basket! I smiled all night thinking about that silly basket.

And today we are taking the boys to Christmas at Old Fort Concho and that makes me happy too.

And it's the weekend! Yay!

It's been a while...

I haven't posted in almost a week.

It's because I just want to whine, but am trying very hard not to. This is one of the first times I haven't been able to "fake it till you feel it", you know - put on a smile until you actually feel like smiling. In some very tiny ways its getting easier. In some very large ways it's getting harder.

Pumping is not going so well. I just don't have a good schedule for that. I pump during lunch with the intention of eating during 4th period conference. That often results in not eating almost all day. Not good. And I am not producing near enough milk. Grant's already having formula which does not make me happy.

Grant has a cold. Nothing bad, but a little sad rattly cough.

I have actually kept up with reading Mason a Christmas story every night in addition to the two bed times stories we always read. It's been nice. The answer to "What happened on Christmas?" is starting to have more to do with Jesus, than Santa. Small victories.

My mom is like the best thing on earth. She does laundry EVERY DAY. And we eat food at night, real food. Not hot dogs or grilled cheese. I can't imagine what I would do without her. I owe her big BIG time.

Don't you think doing a venn diagram comparing the book Polar Express to the movie Polar Express is definitely a valid use of classroom time? Yes, I thought so.

I took Meems' family's pics on Sunday. It went well, but, as usual, I am not as thrilled with the pictures as I thought I would be. But I think they will be happy. If not, I almost want to reshoot...Meems?

Um, Is it healthy to live on a cup of coffee, three bottles of water and cheese nips? Probably not. I do eat dinner too.

Grant is NOT sleeping at night. I am too tired to even try to change this. This morning, I actually fell asleep on his floor by his crib in the fetal position(I was cold) because the walk to and from my bed seemed too overwhelming.

I wore heels and a skirt today. I should get an award...but I didn't shower or wash my face.

Is it better to have a choice? No. It makes it that much harder. Doubt, uncertainty, guilt...I have to commit to something. One way or the other and fully, FULLY, accept it.

My Christmas tree is pretty. One solitary beautifully wrapped present is under it. It makes me very happy to see both. Christmas, the 12 day break, is coming. I can make it.

I only whined through about 3/4ths of this. That's gotta count for something right?