Worst mother on earth right here.

I took Grant to the doctor today. We were there for three hours. Me, mason and Grant. Fun times.

I was in the car headed to the bank and HEB when the nurse returned my phone call about Grant at 11:24. After describing his symptoms - a cough that seems to be getting better, NO fever, healthy appetite, but this little wheezing - the nurse acted like I was awful for not bringing him in immediately.

This was tick mark one in the "worst mother" column. I didn't know, okay? He's been happy and cheerful and sleeping great. I know now. Wheezing in any teeny tiny form should immediately be reported to a medical professional. I must have missed that section of Grant's owner's manual.

During the 11:24 am phone call I was told that I could have an appt at 11:30. Um, like six minutes from now 11:30? So I drove straight through the bank line without cashing a check that was, well, desperately needed, and headed for the doctor. No snacks. No bottle. No toys to occupy the elder child.

Tick mark two in the "worst mother" column.

When we arrive at the doctor I checked in and the waiting began. And seemingly never ended. The whole time I am sitting there I was just thinking what a horrible mother I am for not bringing him in sooner. These were my thoughts: "He's been cheerful. The cough was getting better. BUT, horrible mother, he's three months old and wheezing. Wheezing! And the cough has been around for a while. But, he's been sleeping so well. and never ran a fever and is super cheerful, BUT, you stupid mother who shouldn't be, your mom told you..." and so on.

After TWO hours of sitting in the waiting room with only two other people, we were called in. We had to see Dr. Young whose nurse made it very clear that "it's been very busy. There are only two doctors doing the work of eight..." She was nice though. Anyway, we go through the whole weighing (16.8 lbs), and temperature taking and interrogation of the inadequate mother, followed by another forty minute stint waiting for the actual doctor, who again interrogated me upon arrival.

Tick Mark three for waiting so long to bring him in. Tick Mark four for snapping at Mason a dozen times for petty things. Tick Mark five for not knowing the precise moment in time that the cough/wheezing/congestion began.

The Doctor busts out the stethoscope. Grant is adorably giggling through the whole examination. She says we are going to give him a breathing treatment and listen again.

We wait for the breathing treatment. It finally arrives. I cover my poor little baby's face with an a mask as medicine fogs around him. The guilt has hit a new high.

The doctor returns, listens again, washes her hands and then says, "If I were a betting person, I would bet he has RSV."

Tick Marks 6-10 for allowing your three month to somehow contract this horrible disease. Tick Marks 11-20 for not doing anything sooner.

So, we were sent home with a nebulizer and a prescription for arbu...tol...something and now Grant has to have breathing treatments every four hours until Wednesday when he has to go back to my doctor to make sure he actually has RSV and to see what we need to do.

So, after three hours at the doctor, an hour at HEB waiting for the prescription, finally at about 4 pm I feed both my children and myself.

Like I said worst mother on earth here.

So Grant has RSV. We will be homebound for some time....Except that Grant's first day of daycare is supposed to be on Thursday...

Absolute worst mother on earth.

Obviously he can't go to daycare. I have to go to work. Stupid dumb stupid stupid work. I have to figure this out. Sigh.

So here we are. Rock - Jenny - Hard Place.

It will work out. God willing it will work out.

God will it.

God, will it?

Christmas is over...

It's always a wee bit sad, isn't it?

I packed up all the christmas stuff yesterday. It's just kind of sad to see the house back to normal. But at the same time, it's nice to have the house back to normal.

I nearly cussed audibly while trying to rip the dang lights off the tree. Good Grief. What a pain in the hiney. I am making a trip to a few places today in desperate hopes that their is a super cheap prelit tree on sale somewhere. There are some things that are just worth paying for...

This year's Christmas was a lot different than I had hoped it would be. By the time I got out of school, I had little time before guests started arriving. My brother and sister in law came in on Saturday and it was so nice to have them here. They were only able to be here for one night due to work and a death in Kara's family. We don't get to see them near enough...Then on Sunday, Troy's mom arrived, followed on Monday by Troy's brother, Tim, and his girlfriend, Lori. We don't get to see them near enough either. My mom, Don, my sisters Gina and Bekah had been here since Friday.

So, by the time Christmas eve rolled around there were 12 people here. Let's just say there was no more room in the inn. It was fun and loud and very merry. Except Grant wasn't very merry. He was super fussy. He had a pretty bad cough and I think he is having a hard time adjusting to formula. Anyway, this is how Christmas Eve and Christmas Day went.

2pm: Mom, Cindy, Mason, Grant and I take a trip to Hobby Lobby. Those last minute deals, you see...
5pm: Discussions regarding the Christmas Eve Service begin. We had planned on going, but there were several obstacles. Don was feeling sick. I was feeling weird - like weak and faint and just weird. Grant was sick. Josh's plane(he is a pilot and had a very convenient overnight layover in San Angelo on Christmas Eve) didn't get in until 5:45. But we still went.
6pm: Christmas Eve service - wonderful, beautiful and perfect. Grant was fussy so I spent half of it in the lobby, but still, it was great.
7pm: Home for tamales and beans and queso. Yummy!
9:30: Tim and Lori arrive.
10pmish: A game of liverpool begins. It's like a ten round rummyish game. I didn't play because I anticipated Grant waking up. Of course, this was the one time he actually slept for a while.
10:30pm: Mason leaves gingerbread men and chocolate milk for Santa and apple slices for reindeer and then off to bed. I was really surprised at how fast he fell asleep. I thought the Santa excitement would keep him up forever!
1:30 am: Liverpool is still going. I start filling stockings. And setting up Mason's train set.
2:30 am: Finally crawl into bed. FYI Grant is in our room sleeping in his swing and Mason is sharing our bed with us. Like I said, the inn was full.
3:30 am: Grant wakes up screaming and coughing. He won't stop. He won't nurse. He won't do anything but cough. I rub him down with Vicks and troy sneaks into his room for the humidifier that we set up in our room
4:30 am: Grant finally is back asleep...on the floor with me holding him...with no blanket because all blankets were gone.
5:30 am: Grant is awake coughing again. and wakes up about every thirty minutes coughing uncontrollably.
8:00 am: By some miracle this is what time Mason woke up. Oh, but he peed in his pants...in our bed... nice.
8:15: Mason loves his train and totally loved opening his stocking. I loved seeing him so excited about all those little goodies.
10am: Opening presents and munching on delicious sausage balls - YUMMY!!!!

The rest of the day was great. We opened presents which was complete craziness. Anytime you have that many people all opening presents it will be mayhem. But it was great and I think everyone loved their presents. Mason cleaned up! Man alive! He is just at such a fun age to buy for. He loves his Geotrax train. He loves it!

So, Christmas was great even if I was a wee bit delirious from lack of sleep. But it was great.

But these are some things I want to change for next year:

The big one is that I think I am ready for Christmas to be just the four of us at our house. Don't get me wrong - i LOVE our families and I love spending time with them. Playing games, cooking together, watching them open our presents is great. But I think I am ready for it to be just us on actual Christmas day and then we will go to them like the next day. Is it bad to want that?

Also, I think next year we are going to set a budget for each person and stick to it. We did a pretty good job this year, but next year will be a little tighter since I hopefully won't be teaching. And I really hope people set a limit for us too. This was the first year that I was stressed out about christmas presents. I mean really stressed out. I just want to simplify...

And I am going to make presents for people next year. Not everyone, but at least mom and Cindy, and the boys. I just missed that excitement of seeing people open something I had made for them. I am going to make that a priority.

So, I guess that's it. I just wanted to write those things down so I could read this next year and remember what I was thinking.

It's been too long...

So you guessed it! Bullet post:

• You know what's great? When you actually get to church before eleven, all proud of yourself for being not just on time, but actually early to church for once. And then you discover that it's combined church sunday and church started at 10:30. Of course I immediately remembered seeing that in the bulletin at the Christmas Eve Service, but then Christmas happened. Like I can remember anything after that.
  
• Christmas was great! Our house was super full and the presents were a little crazy - spilling so far out from under the tree that we had to actually rearrange the furniture. It was a great first Christmas away from home.
  
• I go back to work on Thursday. Gag me. No, just kidding. The only thing I keep telling myself is "Five more months. Five more months. Five more months..." I do like my job, but I sure do love my kids a lot more.
  
• Grant is screaming. Those three bullets are all you're getting. Geez. He's NOT happy.
  

I only hope...

Today in advisory my students can decide to play mumball or make a scarf. They absolutely love to play mumball. It's actually a pretty cool classroom game. Anyway, I was taking a vote on who wanted to do what yesterday and one of my boys asks, "Do I have to make the scarf for me?" To which I replied, "Of course not."

So, I ask students to raise their hands if they wanted to make a scarf and this boy raises his hand. His buddies around him say with exasperation, "What are you doing?!" And the boy, hand still in the air, says, "You can make one for your mom, dude."

I only hope that when mason is a smelly 6th grade boy, he will still want to make me a gift over playing mumball.

Christmas Grant

Isn't this the cutest picture of Grant? My mom sent it to me at work. I love it!

Grant Memories.

Grant laughed for the first time last night. It was so adorable I almost cried! He was laying on his back wearing only a diaper. He is happiest naked. Loves it. He has been making those cute little squeals for a while now, but last night, when I tickled him under his double chin, he actually chuckled. It was wonderful. I called mom in to show her and he did it again. I love it. I have been thinking about him all day and wondering if he would chuckle for me again tonight...

When grant is upset, mom and I have started saying that he is "grumping." And that he has the "grumpers." When he is in this said state, he makes the saddest little face and cries the sound, "mmgeee...mmgeee.." I love it. I almost don't want to soothe him for a second because he is so cute when he is that kind of fussy.

He was dedicated on Sunday. I was so happy that my parents could be there for that. I was trying to explain what "being dedicated" meant to mason. It didn't go over so well. I said that we were giving him back to God and mason looked terrified. I can only imagine what he was thinking. So, we just said that we were praying for him and us to be the family God needs us to be. That was much better recieved.

For the record

I do know that I write in fragments quite often.
It's intentional. It's part of my "voice", my particular writing style. (whatever)
I just didn't want you guys thinking that I don't know what a complete sentence is, yet I teach English.
It's what I do. My trademark. How I think.

Just wanted to clear that up.
:)

PS. My students are watching polar express today. I have some down time, hence the two posts in 10 minutes. I suppose I should grade...or plan...or file...or...

Odd.

He did it again.
He slept through the night again.
How very odd.
In case you have forgotten, I don't make sleeping babies. I make nurse-around - the - clock, up-every-two-hours, non sleeping children.
But he slept for seven straight hours last night.
I know it won't happen again.
This is just some very odd happenstance of the stars aligning or God simply being fed up with my delirious tears.
It's just so odd.
But regardless,
Thank you Father for letting this mother sleep!

Christmas

When did Christmas get lost in christmas?

I was reading my sister's blog the other day and she was writing about all the things she loves about Christmas and I actually started to cry because I hadn't done any of them. Granted, I cry a lot here lately. I'm in a constant state of delirium, you see. No sleep = tears. But, still, how do I get so busy doing "Christmas" things that I don't enjoy Christmas? I've really tried this year, too, you know?
I've been picky about Christmas parties because I value my time at home so much. (Or I forgot okay? Are you happy? I forgot the woman's christmas party at church. Plumb forgot. I am a horrible, unsocial person right now.)
I've made good lists before I go shopping so I use my time wisely.
I keep reading the books to Mason.
The house is lit up like santa's work shop inside and out.
The presents, what few have actually been wrapped, have bows. Big pretty real-ribbon bows.
I haven't brought work home.
Christmas music plays all the time.
The puzzle is out.

So, here we are. One week till Christmas and all I feel is overwhelmed.
So, here's the list of what I haven't done.
I haven't made any gifts this year. This is really bothering me. Every year I make gifts for people. Something simple, but something homemade and from the heart. Mason does the same. This year it just isn't happening.
I haven't baked. Not one single thing. Not even chocolate covered pretzels.
I haven't, AGAIN, sent out picture christmas cards.
I haven't bought enough or done enough or gone enough.....

But it's all those "haven'ts" that make Christmas not Christmassy! So what do you do?

Quit. Quit it all.
I am going to just enjoy the rest of this week. What doesn't happen won't happen. And Christmas will still be Christmas. A day with family and to celebrate our faith.

I am going to do the things that for whatever reason make me feel like it's christmas because, for some odd reason, these things remind me of Christmases past, not because I should do them, but because I WANT to do them.
I am going to play pac- man and Galactica with Troy for hours, late into the night.
We're going to rake leaves in the freezing cold, at night, and jump in them.
I will bake, but just a few simple things like cinnamon hard candy that fills the house with a smell that is Christmas.
I am going to eat Sausage balls with my family on Christmas morning.
I am going to watch Lord of the Rings. Even if only for half an hour.
I'm going to buy Troy a completely fun and completely pointless gift.
I will listen to Christmas music until I can't stand it.
We're going to play Lord of the Rings Risk even though I get bored within the first ten minutes.
I'm going to work on the Christmas puzzle instead of...because that's what I WANT TO DO, DARN IT!
I'm going to find Mickey's Christmas Carol and watch it. I have to see that scene of the chipmunks fighting in the tree...Is that the same movie?
And I am going to remember why we celebrate this holiday in the first place.

This is my mission statement, if you will.
I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT until the 26th. I am going to enjoy Christmas and my family.

I am.

A Great Night

Tonight was nothing short of wonderful.

My team from school had our Christmas party. Her house is beautiful and fancy. It's not ritzy, snobby fancy, but comfortable pretty fancy. It makes you forget about cleaning and babies and laundry and ungraded papers.

We had simple special finger foods for dinner. Things like finger sandwiches, meatballs, these little tomatoes stuffed with cream cheese, and these little cheesecake-mouse-like chocolate desserts. We sat at the table and ate and talked and watched the foxes that come up to her house every night because she feeds them. It was so very relaxing.

But that's not all.

No, dear friends, that's not all.

On top of all those other things, we got massages. Yes, the kind where you sit in one of those little chairs and we each got a good 20-30 minute massage. It was heavenly. H-e-a-v-e-v-e-n-l-y.

It was a very nice grown up night. Relaxing and fancy at the same time... is that possible?

Now, I did wear jeans to this gathering and I took Grant who, by the way, was perfect. Only a few grumbles and many more giggles. It was a great night.

Sigh...such a great night.

Miracles happen!

I know this won't happen again.
I know this was a fluke.
I know this was simply a tease.

But...

Grant slept straight through the night last night!

From about 10pm to 7 am. That's nine hours people. It's amazing how much better I feel without waking up every two hours.

Now, of course all day I have been replaying whatever we might have done differently last night that made the impossible, possible.

I can't come up with anything.

The Sweetest Thing

Today one of the writing teachers on my team got engaged! And it happened in the sweetest way!!!!

She was called from her 2nd period class because supposedly Mr. Waters needed to see her. Of course, terrified, she left to go have this impromptu meeting. Well, after waiting several minutes for Mr. Waters, he showed up and just kept stalling, finally telling her that they would have to reschedule but that she wasn't in trouble.

So, she returns to her class. The teacher covering for her said that the kids had a question they needed to ask her. She said okay, and then across the room kids stood up and they had signs that spelled out "Will you marry me?" and then in walks her sweetie!

Now, is that not the absolute cutest thing ever? If I could get proposed to again, I think I would want something just like that!

Congratulations Courtney!!! I know you have many wonderfully happy moments ahead!!!

A Happy Post

After far too many unhappy, whiney posts, here are some things that have made me smile in the last few weeks.

Did I ever post that at Grant's two month check up he weighed 14 pounds! Wowzers. And I am almost certain he has put on a great deal of weight since then. I just make squishy, roly poly babies!

Mason took me on an "adventure" the other night. First he cut up all these tiny slips of paper, wrote h's, p's and other random marks on them and put them in a bowl. Then I had to draw one and hand it to him. He then would "read" it and say, "Oh, this says we have to go to the green room." and off we would go. ONce, there I had to look for the treasure, (blocks.) If I took too long in finding them, he would give me hints like, "Hmmm...i think maybe we should listen to some music." because there was a block hidden by the CD's. It was a very fun little adventure.

I get out, no, sorry, the kids get out at 12:45 on Thursday AND Friday before Christmas break. Can you imagine the wonderfulness in that? I have to stay until four, but without students. How very very very heavenly. I will have time to grade and plan and be ready for my return in January.

At our school's christmas party, we have drawings for prizes. Teams donate varied things and then we do a chinese Christmas thing to see who gets what. Well, when I stole some pens from the vault on Wednesday, I saw one of the team's prizes - the most beautiful basket of scrapbooking things. It had paper, ribbon, an album, flowers, colored brads, stamps, buttons, scissors...it was so wonderful. I told Troy that if I didn't win it he would have to get it for me for Christmas. So anyway at the party, it was the first thing given away and I just prayed all night that my number would be called so I could steal it from the Nurse Schumpert. But it never happened.
I was so very sad.
At the end of the party, I went over to look at it one more time and decide if Troy really should get it for me. And this is the conversation I had,
"I had to come look at this again, because i desperately want this for Christmas now that I haven't won it. "
Nurse: Honey you can have it.
Me: No! I couldn't take it.
Nurse: Please do. I don't have time to scrapbook at all. It will just sit there forever.
Me: But don't you have someone who would want it for Christmas.
Nurse: No, really, please take it. YOu just had a baby. You need it.
Me: But I couldn't!
Nurse's husband: Please, honey, just take it. It will just take up space in our house.
And so on for about 2-3 more minutes before I sheepishly walked away with it.
When Troy came back from the bathroom and saw me holding the basket in all its glory, he said, "What did you do?"
I got the basket! I got the scrapbooking basket! I smiled all night thinking about that silly basket.

And today we are taking the boys to Christmas at Old Fort Concho and that makes me happy too.

And it's the weekend! Yay!

It's been a while...

I haven't posted in almost a week.

It's because I just want to whine, but am trying very hard not to. This is one of the first times I haven't been able to "fake it till you feel it", you know - put on a smile until you actually feel like smiling. In some very tiny ways its getting easier. In some very large ways it's getting harder.

Pumping is not going so well. I just don't have a good schedule for that. I pump during lunch with the intention of eating during 4th period conference. That often results in not eating almost all day. Not good. And I am not producing near enough milk. Grant's already having formula which does not make me happy.

Grant has a cold. Nothing bad, but a little sad rattly cough.

I have actually kept up with reading Mason a Christmas story every night in addition to the two bed times stories we always read. It's been nice. The answer to "What happened on Christmas?" is starting to have more to do with Jesus, than Santa. Small victories.

My mom is like the best thing on earth. She does laundry EVERY DAY. And we eat food at night, real food. Not hot dogs or grilled cheese. I can't imagine what I would do without her. I owe her big BIG time.

Don't you think doing a venn diagram comparing the book Polar Express to the movie Polar Express is definitely a valid use of classroom time? Yes, I thought so.

I took Meems' family's pics on Sunday. It went well, but, as usual, I am not as thrilled with the pictures as I thought I would be. But I think they will be happy. If not, I almost want to reshoot...Meems?

Um, Is it healthy to live on a cup of coffee, three bottles of water and cheese nips? Probably not. I do eat dinner too.

Grant is NOT sleeping at night. I am too tired to even try to change this. This morning, I actually fell asleep on his floor by his crib in the fetal position(I was cold) because the walk to and from my bed seemed too overwhelming.

I wore heels and a skirt today. I should get an award...but I didn't shower or wash my face.

Is it better to have a choice? No. It makes it that much harder. Doubt, uncertainty, guilt...I have to commit to something. One way or the other and fully, FULLY, accept it.

My Christmas tree is pretty. One solitary beautifully wrapped present is under it. It makes me very happy to see both. Christmas, the 12 day break, is coming. I can make it.

I only whined through about 3/4ths of this. That's gotta count for something right?

In case you're wondering...

I am alive. barely.

It's not getting easier. If anything, it's harder. I haven't posted because I didn't want to whine anymore. But it's really hard.

I can't imagine what it will be like leaving him at daycare. I just don't think I can do it...

Day 1 down, a milliondy jillion to go...

I didn't cry when I left. I didn't cry in the car. I didn't cry when people hugged me hello and said welcome back. I cried when I opened my classroom door and the familiar smell of white board cleaner and old carpet reached my nose. It was then that a few tears came. It was sad to not be pregnant. It was sad to see my "to do before baby list" still tacked on my board. It was sad that my time of maternity leave was over. And it was sweetly sad when I opened my email and there were two sweet emails from friends who said they were praying for me.

But I only cried a few minutes. I got ready for the day. First period arrived. There were hugs and grins and "I am so glad you're backs" and shy smiles. And slowly the day went on. I didn't cry again. I only got sad when I wondered what he was doing or wondered if he wondered where I was. But even then I didn't cry.

At lunch, I called home. The boys were doing great. No problems. I pumped several ounces in about ten minutes.

Then I found out the holiday extravaganza we were planning was cancelled. That put a smile on my face for sure.

Then 6th period came and 7th period came and they were good. Really good. ANd then I was done. I quickly got ready for tomorrow and left.

And then I got to see my baby grant. And he smiled and nursed and all was well.

I am dead tired, but it was a good day. A very good day. Thank you Jesus for such a great first day back. Thank you friends for all your sweetness and prayers.


Just 19 days till Christmas break...

Oh, and I will be calling tomorrow about pictures. Wow. What a response! You guys are the best...I hope I didn't guilt you into it. Those were some pretty whiney posts...
:)

Mrs. Whiney Pants Realizes a few things

1. I needed to pout. I needed to whine. I needed to mourn. So I did. (below)
   
2. Since typing that post about 30 minutes ago, I went to bed and realized many things.
   
3. I like my job. I do. It's draining and tiring and hard, but it's rewarding and creative.
   
4. I have many good breaks - Christmas, Spring Break, and the big Kahuna Summer.
   
5. I was able to take off 9 weeks, not just six like many many mommas. Definitely worth appreciating.
   
6. My mom is going to watch him for four weeks. She is not me, but pretty darn close. Grant probably wouldn't even notice except for the bottle thing.
   
7. The day care he is going to is good. Has an 86 person waiting list. Mason will be there too. It's not me, but it is a good place.
   
8. I work in one of the most mom friendly environments. I am surrounded by moms. That is important.
   
9. I live three blocks from my house. If over the next four weeks I can't stand it, I can drive home and see the boys during my conference.
   
10. My principal has already give me permission to do number 9.
    
11. I don't have a TAKS test to worry about.
    
12. Grant is a healthy good baby. He's cute. His caretakers will like him, if not love him.
13. I have very little reason to whine. I have many reasons to be thankful.
    
14. I apologize for pouting. But it did make me feel better.
    
15. I have it good, here, people. Real good. Thank you Father for already opening my eyes.
    
16. Sorry, for being pouty. I would delete the post, but Kylah gets made when people do that so I won't.

Good night.

Pictures?

Due to a slightly rising interest in my photography skills, and my ever growing desire to find an alternative to full time work, I am going to start taking pictures for people. I don't know yet what I will charge. That part seems impossibly awkward...but...well, it is what it is.

So, if you or someone you know needs a very not professional photographer for family portraits or baby pictures, or maternity pictures or engagement pictures or anything (EXCEPT WEDDINGS) then give me a call.

I know this somewhat contradicts my whining post about not wanting to be away from grant but I see this little post as a start to something bigger, maybe. It will take tme away now, maybe, but in the end maybe this will be a way for me to be at home part time...

One more thing, I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, be offended if you don't ask for me to be your photographer. I don't expect you to. I am just putting this out there to see what happens. I 100% expect that very few of you will actually need this "service" immediately if ever. I just thought my blog would be a good first "ad".

Okay, so there it is. Comment or call if needed. No pressure. Really.

Many Things

• Thanksgiving was fantastic, wonderful, fun, delicious, perfect...except for the absence of Troy. The stupid basketball coach had a practice at 11 am on THANKSGIVING DAY. So he was unable to go home for the holiday. I keep reminding myself of the two months we will have during the summer.
  
• We put up the tree, decorated the mantle and put a few more odds and ends here and there. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....
• My mom has officially moved in for the next four weeks to keep Grant while I go back to work. It is a blessing I can't express in words. I know her time here will be so helpful and wonderful and I will be forever indebted to her for doing this.
  
• I have been having school nightmares. I always do when I am about to go back. I dream things like me having no plans, or horrible students, or wearing two different shoes or my classroom is outside in the cold, etc.
  
• Mason is dying to write his Santa letter, except he calls it his "toy list" which sounds much more greedy than a sweet letter to santa. I have a lot of work to do, too, A.
  
• We made a fire today and listened to Christmas music all day. If only it had snowed...
• And finally, the longest bullet of them all...tomorrow. It's here. It's actually tomorrow. I go back to work, to 125 students, to grading papers, lesson plans, stupid holiday extravaganzas, parent conferences...and I leave grant and Mason. I would like to say I haven't cried again. I would be lying. I cried on the way home from Thanksgiving and I cried just now putting Grant to bed.
  

I keep telling myself it could be worse, to be thankful, that I am doing what I have to, blah blah, blah. All I want to do is throw myself down on the floor and cry like a two year old. I spent all day decorating just trying to keep from thinking about it, but then the whole house was decorated and all I could do is think of it. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. The big black cloud that has loomed in my mind is about to drown out my happiness.

I am being slightly melodramatic. In my mind, I have been thinking of tomorrow as the end. The end of all the good stuff. The end of smiles. The end of Grant. The end of being a good mom. The end.

I think that is because teaching is somewhat an all consuming job. It's hard and long and draining. I can't just show up. I have to plan and plan and give and give and be patient and loving and kind and creative...even when I don't want to. But here's the deal. Everything I do the rest of the year I am going to have to ask myself this question, "Am I giving this job priority over my family?" and if the answer is ever yes, then something is wrong. My students, as important as they are, are NOT more important than me being with my family. I will not be the world's best teacher this year(or any year ever), I will not get an award for most creative, fantabulous lesson and I will not get super scores on my dumb Sweeps walk throughs, but I will leave at a decent hour and I will NOT bring work home. Period.

I am sad. I am heartbroken. I don't want to leave. I know I will cry tomorrow. I know I will cry the next day and the next. But it could be worse. It could. Moms are in Iraq. Moms work two or more jobs just to get by. This continual woe is me litany must end....It's just so hard. So heart ripping hard.

Tomorrow is here.

Father,
You have provided for me again and again. You have showered me with your love, covered me in your grace and shown me that you are my hope. Help me tomorrow and the next day and the next day...Help the days to go quickly and smoothly. Help me to remember to keep things simple, to not let my job consume me. Continue to open my eyes to the abundant blessings you have provided. Thank you, Thank you for all you have done and will do. You are my strength. You can do things I can't even fathom. You have done the impossible. Bless this time. Fill me with joy, not sorrow. Set my feet to dancing. Help me to not wallow in this difficult time, but to find joy in it. You are my provider - my provider of joy, of hope, of earthly wants and needs, of life. Help me, Father, to be the mother, wife and woman of God you want me to be. Help. In all the ways you already know that I need.
In your name,
Amen

Yippee Skippee!!!

Is anyone else beyond thrilled that the weather forecast for T-day is super chilly?
Or that that on sunday we actually have a chance for SNOW SHOWERS?

I mean, what better way to start the christmas season?!

I can't wait.

A Kitchen Tragedy

So, I made dinner tonight. It was a tragedy.

Is steak supposed to have a jerkyesque quality? No, I didn't think so.

Are baked potatoes supposed to have crunchy cores after an hour and a half in the oven followed by two stays in the microwave? No.

Is sour cream supposed to be crunchy? Oh, it's not supposed to be frozen? Seriously, what is wrong with my fridge..

We had very little butter. Had it not been for the cheese, the potatoes would have been a complete loss.

This meal must make me pause and ponder:

Steak and potatoes is the most fail proof meal one can make.
I have failed.
What does this mean?

Yes, I thought you would say that.

Quit trying and hire a cook.


I must say this for the record: I am typically a baked potato master. Ask troy. I am an artist with baked potatoes. And steak - oooh, doggy. Good stuff. It makes this failure particularly potent....

7 weeks going on 70 years

I love this picture of grant! He looks like he is thinking something of such great importance...He has such an old man face.

Tears

Tears come when I least expect them.

When I hear the song "I'll be home for Christmas" and I think about soldiers who won't be home.

When I tuck mason's covers around him before I go to bed.

When I go to school to prepare for my return and I get so overwhelmed it scares me.

When I think about all the things I haven't done.

When I think about all the things I need to do.

When I pray.

But most of all, when I think about going back to work. I mean, really, really, really think about it. Today was the first time I let myself. I was nursing grant, and I imagined not seeing him for at least 8 hours. An ache formed deep within me. A guilty, black, horrible ache settled into my heart.

The ache of simply leaving him is compounded by the question that haunts my every thought.
"Am I a bad mother?"

I know the answer. I do. But it's still there. That little voice.

It's happening. I am going back. I am. I have to finish this year and then I am done. I am done. I have said it for two years, but this year I am done. God has given me too many creative talents to not use them for a better purpose. I'll take pictures. I'll tutor. I'll watch other people's children. I'll make things to sell at craft fairs. But I am not going to leave my kids all day every day anymore. I wasn't built this way.

But for the next six months, I must. And it will be okay. It will. I am going to keep crying, but I will find a way to be happy.

If you're not happy with what you have, you're never going to be happy with what you want. I have to find a way to be happy with this situation. It's all about my attitude.

I can do all things through him....I know the plans I have for you...there is no end to His love...

As the tears make hot tracks down my cheeks, I realize how blessed I am:

A God who loves me. I was going to continue after that sentence, but that one really just says it all.
A family who supports me, who is there for me.
Jobs that we are proud of, that we enjoy - good, solid, jobs
Friends - amazing supportive loving funny wonderful friends
Our health that I so often take for granted
A home that I love, that was built for my family.
I could go on and on...

There are so many with so little. Be thankful, Jenny.

Tears. They just come sometimes. Just when I think I might have it under control, there they are. But sometimes a good cry is all I need to smile again.

A Hot Date!!!

Troy and I went on a date tonight! My sister Bekah came over with her two roommates and watched the boys.

I took a shower, did myhair and make up, and put on my sexy momma jeans and a cleavage revealing shirt. I mean, come on, I have it for once in my life. The least I can do is show it off for my hubby. :)

So, what did we do for our hot date? We ate at chilis and went to, you guessed it, Target. But it was oh, so fun. Just talking with no constant interruption. No trips to the potty just because mason is bored waiting for the food. No nursing while I eat.

Troy and I actually had a conversation. We talked about jobs, Christmas, family, what we want to do during our summer off...it was so very very nice.

At target we got some ideas for christmas presents. I was ecstatic when I saw the christmas music display. I almost cried when I pressed the button for the Christmas Crooners CD and Bing Crosbys, "I'm dreaming of a white christmas" played.

It was a very wonderful first date post baby. And the boys did great. Grant drank wonderfully from a bottle and never got fussy supposedly. Yay!

Awkward

Yesterday, Mason, Grant and I were just hanging out on the floor.

Grant tooted, rather loudly.
Mason looks at me, eyebrow raised, glances side to side and says, "Awk-ward."

Okay, that is just not a funny typed because you guys don't know the tone he said it in but it was hilarious. This is for me to remember.

Upon Further Consideration...

I am going to make Taco soup tonight for the playdate. That way I can already have it in the crockpot before you arrive so I won't be trying to cook something with you here. The kids could have something different like a gourmet meal of macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets. Let me know what you think. And meems if you want to bring chips and salsa, that would be great!

Why!????!!!!!

Why won't he go to sleep? WHY? What is wrong with him?????? Oh, my gosh! Seriously. THis has been our night since about 7pm.

Nurse, burp, change, swaddle, bounce, asleep, goes in bed, sleeps for oh, five minutes, and then wakes up sreaming. I let him cry for a few minutes and then bounce, sleep, bed, sleep, crying again. Nurse, change, swaddle, bed, cry....and on and on and on and on.

I have a headache. I need some sleep. I thought I had done it about nine pm. He was crying, crying, crying and then slowly it stopped. "Yes!" I thought. He is asleep and he did it all by himself. OH, about TWENTY minutes later I went to check on my sleeping precious only to discver him wide eyed and bushytailed staring at the ceiling. About five minutes later the crying commenced.

Why do I give birth to non sleeping children?

Eek! Playdate at my house

Okay, so I am doing it. A playdate at my house. I am excited and nervous. For some reason being a hostess stresses me out.

I am letting it go. The...the...whatever it is that keeps me from inviting people over. You people like me for me, not my house or my hostessing skills.

Okay, tomorrow I have some early afternoon commitments. So lets set this shindig up for around 5ish. All ages and genders welcome. Um, dinner will occur during this. Hmm. Suggestions? I could make spinach quesadillas...they're pretty good. And the kids could just have cheese quesadillas. Let me know...

I am so excited about possibly speaking to actual girl adults. Yippee!!!

And Kia, you come here! I am sure the 3 and a half hour drive will be worth it! :)

Bullets

• I like coffee
• Grant is sleeping better. If better means a four hour stretch now and then. Celebrate the small victories, right? He is doing better because I have been a horrible mom. I have allowed him to cry before bedtime sometimes. The longest I have allowed him to do this is ten minutes. Is that bad? The good thing about this mean method is that he hasn't nursed to sleep in a while. I just swaddle him into a baby burrito, bounce him around for a few minutes until his eyelids get heavy and then I put him in bed.
• Mason is trying to earn money by doing chores because he broke one of our windows with a ball. He didn't tell us he did this. His punishment is to pay us back (and spankings), of course, we don't really expect him to earn all of it. It's just the idea, you see.
• I should be cleaning something.
  
• My parents are in New York for two weeks. Losers. Can you imagine how pretty it is there?
  
• I have nothing to say. I thought the bullet method would make me ramble. It's not working. I feel like I have had a string of boring posts lately.
  
• You know what happens when you always enter your house through the garage and never use your front door? Your jack o lanterns become bug infested rotting corpses that resemble a chopped off head. Beware of our doorstep.
  
• Troy is out of town this weekend. I am going to be bored to tears. Well, not bored. But desperate for adult contact. Is anybody free tomorrow evening for a very casual play date?
  
• Are you ready for this? My laundry room has no laundry in it. I have done it all. Folded it all. Put it all away. Miracles never cease.
  
• Last night Grant was in bed and then he started to fuss. I finished loading the dishwasher(again, miracles...) and was headed back to his room when he stopped crying. I get to his door and troy, in his orange boxers and nothing else, is standing by Grant's crib. He was swinging grant back and forth gently as he went back to sleep. It was just about the cutest thing I have ever seen.
  
• I finished my Louis Lamour book. It was so dern good I started another one. Yes suh, I did!
• I hung Grant's letters. I just stuck them to the wall. I tried the ribbon and stuff and it just made the letters look too busy. They look cute on the wall, but I still feel like his room is kind of blah.
  
• Mason's favorite food lately is this really easy good potato soup I make. It has four ingredients. Yep. Just four and it is mighty tasty and can feed your family for about three bucks, six if you add a salad.
  
• Seriously, I have nothing important to say.
  
• I go back to work in two weeks. That post is coming.
  
• Okay, I must get something done...

That's all she wrote.

Grandi to the rescue

Grandi called! She has marbles. Yippee! And due to my resourcefulness, I no longer need jacks. So all my problems have been solved.

Well, I mean, I still bite my nails. I can't finish a load of laundry to save my life. I talk to myself in HEB. I don't know how I will pay for the toothache that has developed lately. And Mason's haircut that he got today makes him have two poofs on the side of his head.

But the marble problem has been solved.

marbles and jacks

Does anyone know where I can find some marbles in town? I want alot of classicy looking ones to fill a jar. I don't want to spend a fortune. I have checked the new wal- mart and dollar tree. It seems like you used to be able to find these anywhere...I guess no one is really playing marbles anymore. That's kind of sad.

And jacks in classic colors. I don't want like neon or all silver.

If anyone has any tips that would be great!

One more thing - has anyone seen the rereleased fisher price toys that are in Target. They are coming back because of that movie, mr. magosomeones emporium. For someone who loves anything vintage or classic(like me!), these toys are so cool. Both the boys will be getting a few for Christmas.

Christmas Traditions

I, like every blogger, am very excited about Christmas. I just can't wait. I really want to capture the Christmas spirit and make the whole month of december feel special.

So, like I said in a previous post, this is the year for great Christmas traditions to begin. Of course we have several now, but I want to start a few more since Mason is really old enough to enjoy them.

Anyway, I have a request or favor to ask of you. Will you post some of your family's christmas traditions? All or just your favorites. Things you eat, bake, do, read, watch, how presents are opened, when presents are opened, etc.

To get us started here are some of ours:

• We eat sausage balls for breakfast. They are so good and the smell of them baking is so christmassy.
  
• I only allow myself to listen instrumental christmas music until after thanksgiving. Then I can listen to it all.
  
• I always try to get mason to make people gifts. Last year he gave mom painted flower pots, pop pop got a painted hammer and Grandi got a painted picture frame. Troy got a painted box. (mason told him when he came home after we had painted it: "We painted gema a pot and we DID NOT paint you a box." It was pretty cute.)
  
• We get to open one present on Christmas Eve. When we were growing up, choosing which gift to open was so hard!!!
• Troy's family hides a pickle ornament on the tree and whoever finds it gets a present. I love that. I had never heard of it until I was married.
  
• I always make peppermint and cinnamon hard candy. You just pour the mixture onto a cookie sheet and then crack it like glass. Oh, the smell of it boiling (forever!) is the best. It just fills the whole house. And it is so pretty in a glass jar.
  
• One year we went caroling on a hay ride in my neighborhood. We only did it one year, but it was so wonderful. We should find a way to do this in san angelo - can't you just imagine sitting all bundled up in the trailer with cups of hot cocoa in our hands as the words of Silent Night fill the air. Oh, we have to do this!!!!
• This year I am doing an advent calendar. Every day from december 1st to Christmas we will open a little box(I know how to make them out of paper) and in each will be old fashioned christmas hard candy and a piece of paper that tells us which Christmas story we will read or a Christmas movie to watch. We'll start with books like "How the grinch stole Christmas" and then progress to the more meaningful ones like that one by max lucado and the real christmas story. I like the idea of doing something every day and reading a story will take all of 15 minutes, so I think we'll actually do it. Movies will probably be on fridays and saturdays. Polar Express, miracle on 34th street, home alone, santa clause, white christmas, rudolph, the charlie brown christmas special... I just can't wait!!!
• We are also going to have a christmas puzzle. I love puzzles. Like almost to the point of addiction. I can't stop working on them. So we'll have a table set up somewhere and have a puzzle to put together by Christmas.
  
• This year I am going to really wrap my presents. I used to think that wrapping should be done as cheaply as possible, but I think there is something so special and exciting about opening up a beautifully wrapped present. It seems more special. (Plus, it satisfies my need to buy colorful ribbon and make pretty things!)
• This year I am going to bake ALOT and deliver Christmas tins of goodies to people - friends, maybe the fire and police station, neighbors, etc.
  

Okay, I guess that is it. I am sure I will think of more but those are my favorite. Please share yours.

Maybe we could all share a favorite christmas recipe too?

Don't feel pressured to share, but I think it will really spark that christmas spirit and I would like to have a few more traditions.

A renewed love of reading

Okay, confession.

I teach English.

But up until very recently I hadn't read a book for pleasure in, are you ready for this, years! Unless Mason's bedtime stories or a student's paper counts, that's the truth. I am so ashamed to say that.

Well, then I became a nursing mom. I have found that reading while nursing is wonderful. It helps me relax and not watch the clock. It gives me something to think about while I am sitting in the rocking chair endlessly. And it keeps the TV off which could very easily be the nursing entertainment.

So in the last four weeks or so I have read about 8 books. Mainly ones my mom loaned me. I just finished two nicholas Sparks books - At first Sight and Dear John. As all sparks books go, I cried like a baby reading them. So very good. He is such a great writer. If I could trade jobs with someone, I would be him or Mary Engelbreit. I once saw a picture of her studio and almost cried because it was so...so...colorful. Paint, markers, pencils, paintbrushes, paper, posters....I can't imagine how fun it would be to go to "work" and use those things. And I would be Nicholas Sparks because his books are so real and honest. I mean they all have a fairy tale like feeling, but the heart of them is so sincere and believable and inspiring.

I am way off track.

So I read those two books which I highly recommend and I am down to only two book options. One by Louis Lamour and the other by Elmer Kelton. Both are western fiction. I borrowed both from my mom because she always read LL books when I was a kid and because Elmer Kelton is from San Angelo.

SO I am about halfway through the LL book. It's quite a difference to go from the depth and romance of Sparks to the
"Listen, 'ere, woman.The name's jebediah and I ain't much on courtin', but when I first laid my eyes on you, I knew it was you I would be aiming to marry. "
"Well, sir, that is mighty fine and I had been wanting to take me a husband right quick before the wagon trained headed west. I'll marry ya."

I mean really, the lack of "courtin' " in his books is down right hilarious, but probably somewhat historically accurate. And besides that, I can hardly put his book down - all the indian scalpin's and wagon trains and near death encounters. It's pretty dern good, if I do say so meself. :)

It's nice to be reading again. I used to read all the time as a child, but then, sadly, English class assignments kind of stole the pleasure and joy of reading. But it's back now.

I am an English teacher. I hope I am not the kind that squelches the reading joy.

Grrrr.....

I cannot tell you the frustration I have just experienced while making that slide show. I lost it TWICE! And still there are like three pictures that didn't make it to the slide show. I hope you enjoy what few pictures made it.

A little bit of everything October

The Project

I have been wanting to do something with Grant's name in his room. I couldn't decide how or what to do to the letters to make them cute or cool. I thought about painting them, but didn't know how I would... so I did this.

The letters are basically scrapbooked. And for once, they turned out as cute as I imagined they would be. I have to say I am pretty proud of my little creation. :) The only problem now is trying to figure out how to hang them - ideas? Also, I think the r looks funny. What do you guys think? Give me a g!

Give me a R!

Give me an A!

Give me a N!

Give me a T!

What do you get? A very cute "grant!"

ONe more thing

This is silly that I am posting this but I thought they were cool. Target also has these really cute place mats for a dollar. There is one for letters, shapes, colors, USA, and numbers. I got one of each for mason to learn from. I mean he already knows most of that stuff(except the map) but a little daily reminder while we eat won't hurt, right?

Okay, that's it. Really.

FYI

Not that ANY of us need more candy in our house or anything, but Target has all their halloween candy and halloween stuff 50% off. Only the outside packaging is halloweenish so you could use the little candies for upcoming holidays. I bought a bag for stocking stuffers and for Mason's school party. They also have a ton of their fall stuff on sale which I think is silly since Thanksgiving is still like 20 days away, but whatever. And all their old 'one spot' stuff is 75% off. I got lots of stocking stuffers there too. But it was kind of slim pickin's.

Also, on a completely separate note. I returned to hobby lobby today. Minus one boy. Nothing was injured but my "blow" money envelope.
I bought the supplies for a project that in my mind will be adorable, but I fear will not turn out that way. But I am going to have fun trying! Of course if it works, pictures will be posted.

I want to post our halloween, pumpkin patch, pumpking carving pictures but it just takes so long. I will get to it. I promise(mom). :)

How?!

How does it happen?
I picked up the house this morning. I didn't clean, but you know, picked up.
It's 1:29.

There is a
sock
five shoes
two dvd cases
a hula hoop
a small pumpkin
three index cards
a package of pretzels
a roll of smarties
a glass bowl
a boppy pillow
two pacifiers
a baby shirt
and a butterscotch candy

on my floor or on the couch in the living room.

How does it happen?
HOW!!!!?????

And so begins the picking up again...

:)

Quite nice

It's quite nice to have a sleeping baby on your chest as you read and comment on all your friend's blogs.
He's happy.
I am happy.
Mason's not so happy. He is not a big fan of the blogs and understandably so. His mom spends far too much time in blog therapy. :)

Scary and rather humiliating

So today I had to go to Hobby Lobby and the grocery store. The food shortage in our house was pretty bad. Last night I ate frozen waffles, mason ate a hamburger bun with a slice of sandwich cheese in the middle and Troy ate freezer burnt boneless buffalo chicken strips and fries. Anyway, I had to go.

I barely dragged myself out of bed as Grant seems to think waking up all night long for little snacks is necessary. I couldn't have coffee because we had no cream. For someone who puts almost as much cream in her coffee as she does coffee, there was no negotiating this. I had no coffee. I got the boys dressed. And then I looked at the mirror.

Mascara raccoon eyes. Greasy hair. Zits. It wasn't pretty. I knew taking a shower would be helpful but I just couldn't make myself do it. It takes so long to shower, blow dry, curl, makeup...ick. ANd who would see me at HEB and Hobby Lobby anyway?

So, I wiped the mascara out from under my eyes with a baby wipe(it works amazingly well) and slapped on just enough make up to keep people from screaming in horror when they saw me. I threw my hair up in a a pony tail that, well, wasn't so hot. I didn't even put on a real bra. I just kept on my sports bra and threw on a shirt and jeans and tennishoes. As I looked in the mirror, I realized that I looked like one of those moms that lets her kids take over her life and never does anything for herself. Oh, well. It happens. And I do have my pretty days...occasionally.

I loaded us up into the car and headed to Hobby Lobby. On the way there I looked in the rear view mirror and realized that Mason's hair probably hadn't seen a brush since before church and had what appeared to be a roosters tail sticking up in the back. "He's a boy." I said to myself like that was justification for letting him out of the house looking like a ragamuffin.

We pulled into the parking lot and as I was unloading the boys I made the executive decision to not get the stroller and instead put Grant's carrier in the basket at HL. So here I am, ragamuffin with crazy hair and stained shirt behind me, sleeping Grant hooked over my arm in front of me and me, greasy ponytail, lopsided boobs from lack of two sided nursing for one feeding, and pimples that could light santa's sleigh. We're walking. I get to the sidewalk, I take a step and somehow I missed it. I dont' know how. And I went flying. Now mind you, I am still carrying grant in his carrier as I go flying through the air. It's amazing how much you can think as you're falling. I had no hands to stop myself because both were holding him and I was also terrified that my collapse to the ground would cause him injury. So somehow I managed to fall flat on my stomach and grant went skidding out in front of me and his carrier fell to the side. He immediately burst into tears. It was terrifying. I thought for sure he got hit. Miraculously he did not. Praise the Lord.

It takes me about 2.3 seconds to start feeling the pain. I ripped both knees out in my jeans and my knees were skinned and bleeding. It was about that time, as I am trying to free Grant from his life saving carrier that a woman rushes up. She's that kind of woman who you just know has never left the house without her Mary Kay makeup applied to perfection. Her hair was perfect. Her clothes and jewelry were perfect. ANd here I am, sprawled out on the sidewalk, bleeding knees with ragamuffin boy who is saying, "mom, you have to watch where you're going!"(as if this happens all the time) and looking like I have just stumbled out of bed into the Hobby Lobby parking lot. Well, she was very nice but treated me like I was far too young to have children and almost as though my falling was caused by something other than clumsiness. I was shaking of course from being scared that I had just scarred my 5 week old for life so she brought me a basket and helped me up.

The three of us went to the girls rest room where I attempted to clean myself up and calm down. Miraculously I didn't cry. This is because me crying from pain makes mason cry. My tears aren't worth it.

I looked at myself in the mirror. It had gotten worse, of course. The reflection, that is. In addition to everything else, I now had the knees ripped out in my jeans and a brown blood stain on one. I had to make a choice. Forego my pride and continue to shop in this condition or go home, repair myself and come back later.

You know I stayed. I already had two boys in Hobby Lobby. THere was no backing out now. So I shopped.

And then I went to heb in my condition. Tons of people know who I am there because troy worked there. Oh,well, we needed food as you could clearly tell from the first paragraph. It was a dire situation.

I, of course, saw one of my students moms. One of the perfect ones. I hope that saying, A smile is your most beautiful accessory or however it goes is true. That's all I had going for me.

So that was the first part of my day. No telling what the rest holds. I am down one pair of jeans. My tennishoe jeans. Great. My knees are quite disgusting. And I still have not showered. But my needs at hobby lobby were met and my pantry has food.

Gemas delight up and running

Well, my mom and don have been moved to a fancy hotel that apparently has internet access because she is posting again. Just so you all know! There are three new posts!

Just some thoughts...

My boys are so perfect. Not perfect in behavior, or appearance or attitude. Perfect in their own perfect way.

I used to wonder how I could love my second child as much as Mason. I knew it would happen but it's a hard thing to understand. Then Grant came and I not only love Mason just as much, I appreciate and adore him even more. I see him differently.

His eyelashes are so dark and thick. When he laughs, I want to cry it's so cute. Sometimes just the way he says things breaks my heart because it is so precious. The other day he said "blue balloon" and it was just so cute. "Buhlue Ballllooon" And then the things he says. Sometimes he just seems so grown up. I was nursing Grant a few days ago and he comes in, sits down on the floor silently for a few minutes and finally says, "soooo, how are you doing?" in this polite, conversationalist voice.

He got a book for being a big brother from my assistant principal. It's like a nature guide book on reptiles and amphibians. He loves that thing. We found two lizards outside when we were taking out the trash and tried to catch them. We failed(thankfully).When we came back inside he promptly went to his guidebook to identify the lizards.

He is an amazing butterfly catcher. He catches them with his hands. There have been several times when I hear him banging on the front door only to find him with a butterfly in each hand and a huge grin on his face.

Sometimes I am so impatient with him. I am trying so hard. But it is hard. He just wants me so much and I can't be there all the time because of Grant. I have found myself saying things that are rude to him. It's so easy to be snappy with him, and impossible to take back those snappy remarks. Not only does he get hurt by my words, he learns from them. It's an overwhelming task, being a mom.

He was trying unsuccessfully for about three minutes to put on a shirt while Troy and I were talking in his room. Finally, with one arm protruding through the arm hole, and only half his head poking through the top, he says in a sarcastic tone, "Okay, Seriously!"

Grant. Grant is heaven. Do all moms stare at their babies? Just stare at them and wonder how God could make something so perfect. Even when he cries, he is cute(up to a point). I have this instrumental CD of Christmas music and I have been playing it when I nurse him before bed time. It's beautiful music. As I sit there nursing him, I just...just...am overwhelmed with everything. Gratitude. Love. Adoration. Fear. Hope. Every once in a while he will catch my eye and actually stay focused on it. It's like he is looking right into my soul.

Motherhood, the 2nd time around, has been so much easier for me. With Mason, I doubted everything I did. I had no confidence in myself as a mother. None.

This was a completely new feeling for me because, up until that point, things that were supposed to be difficult like marriage and college and living away from home, were easy for me. I just assumed that motherhood, something I had spent my whole life dreaming about, would be natural, maybe not easy, but natural. I was so wrong.

I cried so much with Mason. I felt like a horrible mother because he wouldn't sleep or ate too much or not enough. If he was fussy, it was my fault. If he was clingy, it was my fault. I struggled so much during his first year of life.

I realize now that I was young and that had to be a part of it, but I also had very few friends with babies. And those that had babies had perfect babies. I remember one day having a conversation with a girl in one of my college classes. She had a baby girl a few months older than Mason who was a "difficult" baby. When she told me her baby didn't sleep through the night or that she cried so much people in her church recognized her cry or that she had to be rocked to sleep every night, I can't tell you the relief I felt. It was just so reassuring to know that I wasn't alone in this. Mason wasn't the only "hard" baby in the world and therefore I couldn't be the worst mother out there.

With Grant, things have been so different. I really don't think he is that much different than Mason was. Maybe a little easier, but not totally. The difference is me. When he cries, I don't panic. I finish folding the laundry and then get him. I don't feel like his crying is a bad thing. It's just what babies do. His crying is not a indicator of my abilities as a mother.

He is still far from sleeping through the night. While I desperately want him to do this for my sake, I don't feel like a failure because he's not. I feel like we're normal. I couldn't even really tell you how long he nurses on each side or how often he nurses because I don't care. I nurse him when nothing else seems to make him happy or when he's trying to suck on anything that touches his cheek. I am starting to try to find a routine but that's only for the sake of his future caregiver while I am at work.

Work. This isn't the post for this. I am not thinking about it.

I think another reason I have felt so much better about things this time around is because of this. This blog community. I have heard your weaknesses. I know your children don't always sleep or obey or look perfect. I know you get frustrated. Mommy friends are important. Otherwise you sit in your dirty house with your crying kids and wonder, "Is this what it is supposed to be like or am I just bad at this?"

I can always be a better mother. But I am doing okay. Good. Even great sometimes. And look at those two boys? I am doing okay.

Gemas Delight out of Commission for a while

Just so everyone knows(mainly my family) Mom and Don are in San Diego with the Red Cross helping fire victims. They left yesterday(i think) after getting about an hour to pack for their two week trip to San Diego followed by a two week trip to New York to see DOn's family.

Mom said they had to leave so suddenly that she didn't get to send out her normal email explaining what part of the country she and Don will be in and she asked me to make a post. She and Don are in San Diego at the Petco(?) stadium sleeping on cots with about 500 other red cross volunteers. She said the weather is beautiful but it's a little hazy from the smoke. It sounds like it's a pretty major mobilization of Red Cross, similar to Katrina.


Her cell phone is out of commission so call Don's if you need her. After this Red Cross call they are going to New York the first two weeks of November. So, needless to say, there will be few, if any posts to mom's blog for a while. She's got a pretty good excuse, huh?

Mr. Blue Eyes

um

judging from the picture below, i also need to buy a tan...

geez...

pics of my shopping spree

okay, so that really goofy picture of me shows off my new eye shadow, my new concealer, my new blush, and my new lipstick(which i don't like). I also brushed my hair and teeth with the respective new brushes and pinned my hair back with my new blonde bobby pins.

And here is my super cute sweater that makes me want to go on a sleigh ride and my new jeans. by the way, mason took this picture - not too bad, huh?

Oh, Dear!

Um, I have done something I never do. And I mean never. Ever

Yesterday, I went shopping.

I went to Target. I bought make up, Christmas presents, bottles for Grant, hair stuff...I spent like 80 bucks. I never do that. Ever.

Then I went to Old Navy. Eek!!!!

I bought Jeans, a sweater and three shirts. Oh, dear. I spent 26 bucks more than was in the clothing envelope.

Oh, dear.

But, I deserve it right? Right? I mean, I haven't bought jeans in TWO years!!! And they were on sale. And my lipstick was older than Mason. No, not Grant, Mason. 4 years. And the sweater is so cute. THe last sweater I bought was about 5 years ago. And this one is SOOOOO cute. I just can't wait to wear it. Oh, dear. And I still bought the cheapest makeup I could find...

Of course, Troy's response to all of this, was "Good for you. You deserve it." He's so great.

I also went to Bath and Body works.

Oh, Dear!!!!

I only spent 3 dollars there, but still! I had a coupon. I have four more coupons. I have to use them all, right? Oh, my!

It was so very fun. This is what happens when you deposit a disability check on the same day you get paid... The bank account looks so good...

Dave Ramsey would be so disappointed.

Oh, pooh! I deserve it, darn it! Maybe, if I ever take a shower again, I will get dressed up in my new goodies with my face beautified in my new make up, and post a picture and all of you ladies will say,

"Why, Jenny, what a good thing you did! Shopping is vital to being a woman. It's like air. You only did what is expected, no demanded of you!"



Oh, dear...

Already?

Grant rolled over yesterday. It was from his tummy to his back, but I still couldn't believe it. I feel l,ike every day he gets so big. I just want to slow down time. Every day is one day closer to me returning to work. but that's another post entirely...

Sleeping Boys

It's 8:48 am and Mason is still asleep. In our bed, but asleep, nonetheless.

But the real victory of the night was Grant. It wasn't a huge victory but I think it will begin to happen.

I bought him an alarm clock that plays CDs AND has four different nature sounds on it. So last night, I put on the ocean waves, swaddled him into a baby burrito, and put him in his swing. He slept from 10pm to 2:30am. And then until 4:30 and then until 7:30. I know this may sound like nothing of a victory but the boy had previously slept no longer than 2 hours by himself in his room.

The other big thing is that he went back to sleep every time just with some gentle rocking, not nursing or a pacifer. Well, he did nurse, but then woke up until I rocked him to sleep.

He's only four weeks old. I mean, we have to start somewhere, right?

He is in such a good mood this morning. Just all grins and kicks.

Tagged

This is for my family.

I have a feeling this 'tagged' thing will stall out on us because mom and i kind of goofed. So I am officially tagging you all - Tammie, Tania, Gina, Kara, and Amber...is that all of us???
So HA!
:)

yummies in our tummies!!!

Taco soup is simmering on the stove. Enough said!!!

Ranch Pics

That's Mason in the distance! Many frogs were caught and now mercilessly have died.

One month old Grant. One month old...don't even get me started...

Grant and his Gema - oh, they had fun together!

My provider

I have been meaning to post this but time is not always on my side. It seems Grant has decided sleep is not so fun anymore.

Anyway, the other day, I opened a bill from the hospital. Not a fun thing to do. It was still very high and unfortunately it appears that the insurance has already paid their portion. Well, the very next thing I opened was a check for about 20 dollars more than the bill. It was for Troy's contract work which is money we don't depend on or anything. It's very unpredictable. But wow. Here it was, completely paying for that bill. God's an awesome provider.

Today, when I got home from the ranch, I saw an envelope from my disability insurance. I opened it cautiously, hoping that we would get something, anything to help us out during the time I won't be getting a paycheck at all. Well, let's just say that it was far more than I expected. A huge blessing from our financial provider, God.

There's been so many other things like that. Grocery money going farther. Cars not guzzling gas. Unbelievable generosity from friends and family. It's just amazing.

I am just so very grateful for the way He is providing. Thank you, thank you , thank you, Jesus.

It's coming

Can you hear it?

It's coming.

It began as a whispery breeze. A few leaves fluttered from their perch.

Then it came in moaning gusts scattering leaves in every direction.

I heard the first howl as I tucked Mason in.

The first cold front of the year. The first real one.

It's whistling down my chimney, wrapping itself around the house, warming our hearts as it chills the air.

Autumn, in all its blustery glory, has arrived.

Soon, leaves will paint the town in vibrant oranges and reds and will then fall leaf by leaf to the crunchy grass below. Piles will be raked and laughter will ensue as children leap into them. Soups will warm us body and soul. Our breath will hang in little clouds in the crisp air. Fires will be made and hot chocolate will be sipped.

Autumn is here.

Of all the things God has made for us to enjoy in His world, seasons are my favorite. We could have the same exact weather day after day. Imagine that. But he made us seasons. Season that you can actually see and feel as one fades into another. He could have made every day the same...

Tagged

Seven things you never knew about me and now wish you didn't. Or as you put it...Seven strange/weird/crazy things about me:

1. I have gone to Hobby Lobby so many times in one week that Mason actually started crying when we pulled into the parking lot. It wasn't a tantrum either. It was big tears of genuine depression.

2. I once dreamed, passionately, of being an olympic gymnast. That dream ended with two broken arms in a span of 6 months.

3. I can remember with absolute clarity on what part of the page something was written. Upper right hand corner, about three lines down, etc...

4. I wore the exact same dress and high heels to my highschool and college graduation. That just shows you how very cheap I am. I literally have bought like maybe three dresses in the 7 years I have been married.

5. I cry every, EVERY, time I watch Forrest Gump or A league of their Own. THe part where Forrest is talking to Jenny's grave - good gosh, I just can't make it. And then, in a league of their own, when that one girl gets a telegram that her husband died in the war - I bawl every time. In fact, I am fairly certain that is the first movie that made me cry.

6. I cannot stand the sound of someone eating cereal. I mean it seriously annoys me to no end. It always sounds like they're congested while slurping soup. I also can't stand the smell of hot ketchup. Gross.

7. I think in blog format. All of my thoughts are in blog format here lately. I literally can't stop myself. I often can't go to sleep at night because I am "writing" in my head and I keep changing what I want to say and then I have to go back the beginning of my "post." It's quite exhausting. I have even had a hard time praying a couple of times because I will, unknowingly, start writing a blog about how great God is rather than just praying it.


I tag Kara and Mom

A lil peace n quiet

We are at our ranch in fredericksburg. And by we, I mean me and the two wilde boys. I think I brought everything I own. We're staying for three days. We brought so much stuff you'd think we were moving here.

So right now the smell of my mom's cooking has filled the one room cabin. Mason is enjoying some pop pop time and Grant is sacked out on his boppy pillow.

It's so very peaceful and quiet and wonderful. It just makes me so thankful for family and the wonderful, beautiful world God made for us.

Dinner's ready. Yummmmmmmmmmm

Long shot but

They boys and I are going to the park by the church at about 4:30. I think we'll be there for at least an hour.

If by some miracle you read this, have nothing to do, and can load up your kiddos to meet us there, we would love it.

If no one shows up, my feeling will not, i repeat, WILL NOT be hurt. I am giving you less than an hour's notice and that's if you are reading this as I type which is impossible.

confession

The below picture of Ellie was not taken by me. It was taken by Kylah.

Yep, so there you go. It's the camera, not me. :)

Now, I did crop it, change it to black and white, adjust the lighting, and alter the brightness and contrast but still. The picture, that perfectly timed smile, was captured by Kylah.

For seph

Kylah and Ellie came over for a short while last night and Mason was making Ellie laugh sooo hard by hitting himself in the head and doing other equally goofy things. I hope the picture makes you smile, not cry, Seph.

Oh, and Troy was like beyond thrilled when he came home and saw her. He played with her for quite a while too...

Getting so big...

He is getting so big. He has started staying awake a lot more and he smiles a lot. He has been fussier here lately but that's onlybecause I think he doesn't respond well to chocolate. That's not good for me...

Maybe he's not so big after all...

I cannot tell you how much mason loves Grant. He always asks me to change his diaper so he will wake up. And he gets annoyed when I feed him because he goes to sleep. They laid on the boppy pillow like this for a good thirty minutes.

A monkey and his banana

My boys are going to be a monkey and a banana for halloween. Aren't they so stinkin' cute!? Grant's costume swallows him up. I just hope Halloween is chilly or I am going to have half dressed little boys...

I am...(not so serious)

I am a mother and a wife
I wonder why it's so hard to take out the trash or to not leave your shoes in the big middle of the floor
I hear Lord knows what during "quiet time"
I see dirty dishes, dirty laundry, dirty floors, dirty kids, dirty...
I want to sleep for 8 straight hours with only my husband
I am a mother and a wife

I pretend that the grasshopper held three inches from my nose is cool, not terrifyingly disgusting.
I feel like coffee is my new best friend
I touch the frog, the slimy, warty, icky, catch-of-the-day frog and force a smile
I worry that my son will learn where I hide the candy
I cry because
I am a wife and a mother

I understand that this is supposed to be hard and it's okay
I say I love you more than anything in the world and I mean it.
I dream that this day will be as imperfectly perfect as the one before it.
I try not to think about the day the boys will leave us
I hope they know that they are my dreams come true
I am a wife and a mother

I am ...

I am a dreamer , not a doer
I wonder what my place in this world really is
I hear the encouraging words of others
I see a craft room filled with unending colorful supplies
I want to find that thing I was really meant to do
I am a dreamer,not a doer

I pretend to work towards this goal
I feel like I will just fail
I touch the blank canvas
I worry that i'm not good enough
I cry because I don't know how to make it happen.
I am dreamer, not a doer

I understand that I have to work for my dreams
I say I'll do it someday
I dream of my studio where my creativity can flourish
I try out a new idea
I hope someday it, I, will happen
I am a dreamer, not a doer